Situations 

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a womanjust passing and said, ''Pardon me, miss, do you happen to have the time?''In a strident voice she responded, ''How dare you make such a proposition tome?''The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortable aware thatevery pair of eyes in the place had turned in their direction. He mumbled,''I just asked the time, miss.''In a voice even louder, the woman shrieked, ''I will call the police if yousay another word!''Grabbing his drink, and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastenedto the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath andwondering how soon he could sneak out the door.Not more than half a minute had passed when the woman joined him. In aquiet voice, she said, ''I am terribly sorry, sir, to have embarrassed you,but I am a psychology student at the university and I am writing a thesison the reaction of human beings to sudden shocking statements.''The man stared at her for three seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed,''You'll do all that for me all night for just ten dollars?''

A man and his date walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier afterhaving eaten a very expensive lunch at one of Beverly Hills mostexclusive restaurants.''Show the lady your finest mink!'' the fellow exclaims.So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with anabsolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, thefurrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, ''Ah, sir, thatparticular fur goes for $65,000.''''No problem! I'll write you a check!''''Very good, sir.'' says the shop owner. ''Today is Saturday. You maycome by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared the bank.''So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns.The store owner is outraged: ''How dare you show your face in here?!There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!''''I just had to come by,'' grinned the guy,''to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!''

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a longflight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks ifhe would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, sohe politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lottafun. He explains ''I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer,I'll pay you $5.'' Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get tosleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, ''OK, if you don't knowthe answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you$50!''This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this tormentunless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the firstquestion. ''What's the distance from the earth to the moon?'' The Engineerdoesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollarbill and hands it to the Programmer.Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer ''What goes up a hillwith three legs, and comes down on four?''The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptopcomputer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone withhis modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress.Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineerpolitely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks''Well, so what's the answer?''Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer$5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods. They circled round and returned home an hour later from a completely different direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from themselves.Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in hand and bellowed, ''Did you two push the outhouse over this afternoon?''The older boy replied, ''As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon.''At this revalation, the farmer proceeded to flail the two boys severely and sent them to bed without supper.In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the brekfast table and took their seats. Everything was quiet until their father finally said, ''Have you two learned your lesson?''''Sure, Dad!'' said the big brother, ''But, in school we learned that George Washington admitted to HIS father that he'd chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he told the truth.''''Ah yes!' said the farmer, ''BUT, George's DAD, wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!!!''

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, ''How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?''The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, ''I'm drowning, you moron!''

Three college roommates -- two females and a male -- beganto argue after dinner about whose turn it was to do the dishes.''All right,'' one of the girls said, ''the first one to speak has todo them.''The trio retired to the living room to watch TV. When theirneighbor, a school football star, came by, the three remainedsilent. The visitor shrugged and led one of the girls into herbedroom.Forty-five minutes later, the young man emerged andapproached the second girl. Through sign language, theyagreed to adjourn to her bedroom.When he came out, he began to fix himself a cup of tea butburned his fingers on the stove.''Hey, where's some petroleum jelly?'' he hollered from thekitchen.''Oh, hell!'' the male roommate said, jumping up. ''I'll do thedishes.''

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day whena young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered hisbutcher shop and confronted him with the news that thebaby was his and asked what was he going to do aboutit?Finally he offered to provide her with free meat untilthe boy was 16. She agreed.He had been counting the years off on his calendar,and one day the teenager who had been collecting themeat each week, came into the shop and said, ''I'll be 16 tomorrow.''''I know,'' said the butcher with a smile, ''I've beencounting too, tell your mother, when you take thisparcel of meat home, that it is the last free meatshe'll get, and watch the expression on her face.''When the boy arrived home he told his mother. Thewoman nodded and said, ''Son, go back to the butcherand tell him I have also had free bread, free milk,and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch theexpression on HIS face!''

There was a guy sitting at a bar having a beer.Up walks a so called ''lady of the night''. Shesays, ''For $300.00, I'll do anything you want.''Our fine lad thinks for a moment then says:Ok. Paint my house, bitch!

A guy was attending a masquerade Halloween Ball, and dancing with a girl who was wearing a map of Texas for a costume. Suddenly she slapped him hard and stalked off the dance floor.''What the hell happened?'' asked a friend who had witnessed the entire event.''I'm not really sure.'' the man replied, rubbing his red cheek. ''When she asked if I had ever been to Texas, I put my finger on Amarillo to show her, and she let me have it.''

Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in hisleft eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headacheand asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hourlater Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.''I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms.''''Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you evertried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?''

This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, ''Ballroomplease.'' A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, ''I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you.''

Well the King's daughter was into her mid twenties,and the king didn't want his princess to be an old maid.The princess wasn't the most beautiful of women, andwasn't having any luck finding a suitable husband. TheKing finally decided to take matters into his own hand.He had flyers printed up and posted all over the kingdom,''who so ever wishes to marry the princess should appear at thecastle at noon, the following Sunday.''Only three suitors arrived at the castle. The king decidedto have a test to determine who would get his daughter's hand.Each suitor would have to climb the castle wall, swim the moat,and then have sex with one of the castle's cows. The first suitor didn't even make it over the wall.The second suitor made it over the wall, but couldn't swim the moat.The third suitor, climbed the wall, swam the moat, fucked the cow,and wasn't even tired.The king went up to him, and said ''Congratulations, you are the onlyone worthy enough to marry my daughter.''And the suitor replied, ''Forget your daughter, I want your cow!''

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks 'Do you do custom work?'Why of course!'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of myright thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside ofmy left thigh.'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and getup on the table.'After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes.The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and Ican prove it.' With that, he runs out of the shopand grabs the first man off the street he can find;it happens to be the town drunk.'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreadingher legs. 'Do you know who these men are?'The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutesand says. 'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are,but the fellow in the middle is definately Willie Nelson!'

A man walked into the bar and there was a gorillasitting on a barstool.The man asked the bartender what the gorilla wasdoing in the bar so the bartender showed him. Hetook out a bat and hit the gorilla over the headwith it. The animal instantly dropped down andgave the bartender blow job.The Bartender then asked the man if he would liketo try it.The man said ''Sure, but please don't hit me quiteso hard''.

Barbie and G.I. Joe A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, ''What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?'' The little girl replies, ''I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe.'' Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, ''I thought Barbie comes with Ken.'' ''No,'' said the little girl. ''She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.''

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to theblind man and hands him a menu. ''I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read themenu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previouscustomer, I'll smell it and order from there.'' A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirtydish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns tothe blind man's table and hands it to him. The blindman puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deepbreath. ''Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf andmashed potatoes.'' Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walkstowards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner'swife and he tells her what had just happened. The blindman eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the ownermistakingly brings him a menu again. ''Sir, remember me?I'm the blind man.''''I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you adirty fork.'' The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it tothe blind man. After another deep breath, the blind mansays, ''That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni andchesse with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief,the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with himand tells his wife that the next time the blind man comesin he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner see'shim coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, ''Maryrub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.'' Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blindman walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. ''Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already havethe fork ready for you.'' The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff andsays, ''Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?''

''Dad, can i ask you something?'' ''Sure! What about?'' ''You see, I'm already fourteen and...I think it's just proper that i should own one.'' ''And what is this 'one' you're referring to?'' ''Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?'' ''No.'' ''My nipples are already prominent and it catches attention.'' ''Nope.'' ''It will be just proper at my age...'' ''I said no way...!'' ''But all of my friends wears.......!'' ''David! How many times shall i tell you that bras are for girls!?''

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brandnew tennis ball. Seeing no one around that it might belongto, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing,waiting for the lights to change.A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.''What's that?'' she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.''Tennis ball,'' came the breathless reply.''Oh,'' said the girl sympathetically, ''that must be painful. Ihad tennis elbow once.''

A new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat.They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from theRussians before the new government kicked them out. ''The Russians builtus a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus, we learned to drinkvodka and play Russian roulette.''The American frowned. ''Russian roulette's not a very nice game.'' Thediplomat smiled. ''That's why we developed African roulette. If youwant to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play.''I'll show you how.''He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later, six magnificently built, nudewomen were ushered in. ''You can choose any one of those women to giveyou oral sex,'' he told the American.''That's great,'' the ambassador said, ''but it doesn't seem much likeRussian roulette.''''Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal.''

A carpet-layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost hiscigarettes.In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. ''Nosense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' hesaid to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer andflattened the hump.As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said,handing him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet. ''