Situations 

A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road.A woman was driving down the same road. As they passed each other, the woman leaned out thewindow and yelled, ''Pig!'' The man immediately leaned out his window and replied,''Bitch!'' They continue on their way and as the man rounded thenext corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of theroad.

A cowboy along with his horse and dog are captured late oneafternoon by hostile Indians. This presents no problem for thehorse as the Indians can always use another pony. The dog'sfate is some what tenuous but it is certain that the cowboy willbe burned at the stake the following sunrise. That evening theIndian chief tells the cowboy that he can have one last wish,within reason, before meeting his ultimate fate the thefollowing morning. The cowboy tells the chief that his lastrequest is to see his faithful dog, Rex. When the dog is broughtby the Indians the cowboy strokes and pets his companion andwhispers something into his ear. At once the dog bounds and runsthrough the Indian village and over the hill. This does notparticularly distress the Indians as they didn't really know whatto do with the dog anyway.At about 8 o'clock that evening the dog returns accompanied bysome two dozen hookers from the closest town. Needless to say thebraves were delighted at the prospect of an evening's entertainment.As the orgy wore on through the night, the chief told the cowboythat his stake burning was being postponed as they were all tootired from partying.The next day, the chief said to the cowboy, ''in gratitude forfurnishing the ladies last night, I'm going to grant you anotherrequest before you are burned at the stake in the morning.'' Againthe cowboy requests to see his faithful dog. When the dog isbrought forth the cowboy again strokes and pets his companionand whispers into his ear, ''this may be my last chance Rex, soplease get it right this time --- go to town and get the posse!''

A man and a woman are on an elevator at the top of theworld's tallest building, when all of a sudden, the cablesnaps and the elevator starts plummeting to the ground. The emergency brakes don't work, the emergency phonedoesn't work, and they both begin to panic. The woman screams ''We're going to die!'', rips of all herclothes, throws herself on the floor and says to the man''make me feel like a woman again!'' So, he pulls off his jacket, throws it on the floor, andsays ''pick that up, bitch.''

It seems that Abe and Morey, two salesmen for an advertising agency,were traveling together through the midwest, when they were caughtbetween towns during a driving snow storm.The further they went, the worse conditions got, and they finallyslid off into a ditch. Fortunately there was a house quite nearby.They waded through the drifts to the house, and after a shortconversation with the lady who answered the door, they were able toconvince her that they were no danger to her, and she let them come in.She prepared a meal for them, and during the conversation Abe andMorey learned that she was a widow of a few years standing.Conditions continued to deteriorate, and she prepared the guest roomfor Abe and Morey.The next day about 10:00 AM, a snowplow came through and helpfullypulled the salesmen's car our of the ditch, after cleaning the road.Abe and Morey thanked th widow Brown and went on their rounds.Nine months later, Abe called Morey, and asked if Morey had, by somechance, happened to have drifted down the hall to the wodow Brown'sbedroom after he (Abe) had gone to sleep. After a little hemming andhawing, Morey admitted he had. With a little further prodding, headmitted that he had given the good lady Abe's name, address and phonenumber as his own.Where upon Abe said, ''That explains this letter from her lawyer sayingshe has left her entire estate to me!''

''Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model,'' the editor from themen's magazine explained. ''It's too obvious that your blonde hairisn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black.'' The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor'sfingers. ''What the hell did you do that for!'' he exploded. She smiled sweetlyand said, ''Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? Andthey've only been banged once.''

The Mortitian arrived at the Mortuary one morning and wasaproached by his assistant.''Anything interesting happen over-night'', asked the mortitian.''Yes'', replied the assistant, ''The most gorgeous 18 year-oldblond came in last night. Dead of course''''What was the cause of death'', enquired the mortition.''I'm not sure'',replied the assistant. ''But she's got a Prawnstuck up her cunt!''''Are you sure?'', said the Mortitian.''Yes, come and have a look for yourself'' ,said the assistantopening the body bag.The mortitian closely examined the beautifuly trimmed snatch.''That's not a prawn you stupid wanker'', he responded, ''That'sher clitoris''''Are you sure?'', said the assisitant,'''Cuz it certainly tasted like a prawn''.

One day a lady went to the doctor's office and told the doctorthat her husband wasn't interested in her any more he justwouldn't have sex with her anymore.So the doctor went into the back of the shop and got a bottle of100 pills. He told her that ''if you give your husband one ofthese pills then he would have sex with you.'' So she bought the pills and took them home. She put one in hisdinner and he ate it. They had sex till midnight. The next dayshe thought it was so good that she wanted some more. so she puttwo in his dinner and they had sex till twelve noon the next day.She thought it was so good that she put all of the pills in hisdinner and he ate it.Three weeks later a little kid was outside screaming and a guywalked up to him and asked him what was wrong. The little kidsaid, ''My mom is dead, my sister is pregnant, my asshole hurtsand my dad is in there on the floor saying, 'here kitty kittykitty...'''

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As hesat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. Anearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a cleanspoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed, andasked, ''Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?''The waiter replied, ''Yes. We had an efficiency expert here thatdetermined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table.By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen.''The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented,''Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a stringhanging from your fly?'' The waiter replied, ''Yes, we all do. Thatsame efficiency expert determined that we spend 21.4% of our timewashing our hands after using the men's room. The other end of thatstring is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull thestring to get my tool out of my pants, go, and then return to work.Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands.Saves a lot of time.''''Wait a minute,'' said the diner, ''how do you get your penis backin your pants?'' ''Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I usethe spoon.''

Weill and Mahoney had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, and the business failed. Weill and Mahoney blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms. Five years later, Weill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Weill looked up and gasped.''Mahoney!'' he said, shaking his head. ''It's a terrible thing, seeing you working as a waiter in a place like this.''''Yeah,'' Mahoney said, curling his lip. ''But I don't eat here.''

A woman gives birth to twins, a girl and a boy.Her husband isn't there, and she doesn't wantto name them without him seeing them first. Butthe hospital insists that the babies must benamed by the end of the day. Crazy Uncle Louieoverhears this and he names them (unbeknowst tothe couple). Later the husband arrives, and thehappy couple are set to name the babies when anurse informs them that Uncle Louie already tookcare of that. ''Oh no!'' they cry. ''He's crazy anddoesn't know what he's doing. What names did hepick?'' The nurse says, ''Well, he named the girlDeniece.'' ''Whew, not bad. In fact, that's nice.And how about the boy?'' ''Denephew.''

The Director of the Scottish Tartans Museum, Dr Michael MacDonaldwas in America. An old lady fixed her gaze on his 17th Centurysporran and asked, ''What, exactly, do you keep in your scrotum?''

One day Pete was complaining to his friend ''my elbow hurts. I bettersee a doctor''. His friend said ''Don't do that. There's a computer inthe drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaperthan visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine andit will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. Itonly costs $10.00.'' Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urinesample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured inthe sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weirdnose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a smallslip of paper printed. It said: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water,avoid heavy labor,it will be better in two weeks.Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Petebegan to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples fromhis wife and daughter. To top it off, he masterbated into the concoction.He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine anddeposited $10.00. The machinhe again made the usual noise and printed outthe following analysis: Your water is hard,get a softener. Your dog has worms, get him shots. Your daughter's using cocaine,get her into a rehab clinic. Your wife's pregnant,it's not yours,get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, Your tennis elbow will never get better!

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, ''When you feel like you are getting readyto ejaculate, try startling yourself.'' That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the twobegan, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later,felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, ''How did it go?'' The man answered, ''Not that well... when I fired thepistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!''

A man was looking for a cheap prostitute in a brothel.He went up to the pimp, and asked him what he had. The pimp showed him a blonde whore for $50, but she wasfar too expensive. The pimp then showed him a brunette for $10, but she wasalso too expensive. Finally the pimp showed him a whore for $1, who happenedto have her legs open ready. The man agreed, but the pimp said he must wear a black condom. So the man wore the condom and bonked his heart out and hadthe time of his life. He enjoyed it so much he went back thenext day for the same $1 whore, and again had to wear a blackcondom.Again the prostitute had her legs open ready. When he went the day after, he asked the pimp why he must weara black condom? The pimp told him ''To show respect for the dead.''

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.''Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?'' Arnold asked.''Not very likely,'' his wife said.''It's worth a try,'' Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, ''Just a minute. I'll have to look for these.'' He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.Two minutes later, the man called out, ''Here they are!''''No kidding?'' Arnold called back. ''That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time.''The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. ''They'll be ready Thursday,'' he said calmly.

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to thefront door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?,'' hesays. ''That's cool'' says Bobby.Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobbyreplies politely that they will probably just go to the sodashop or a movie.Carrie's father responds ''why don't you two go out and screw?I hear all the kids are doing it.'' Naturally, this comes as aquite a surprise to Bobby-so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.''Yeah,'' says Carries father, ''Carrie really likes to screw;she'll screw all night if we let her!''Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan forthe evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minuteslater, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt andannounces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless withanticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house,slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:''Dammit Daddy! It's called the twist!''

A nosey neighbour remonstrated with the woman in the adjoining apartment.''Mrs Smith, do you think it is right that a seventeen year old boy spendsthree hours every night in your apartment?''Mrs Smith replied. ''Its a platonic friendship. Its play for him and atonic for me.''

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to thehospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. Hethen sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, andlow and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck.''So'' the wife says, ''what do you think he'll become after he finishesschool? A GP or a surgeon?'' ''Well,'' says the man, rubbing his nose, ''by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law.''

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One dayhe has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust.He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar ofVaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must beleft out in the rain.A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. Sheasks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readilyagrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up onhis Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in shetells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks firstafter dinner must do the dishes.After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the firstperson to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteenminutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family.And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more directapproach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is gettingdesperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table.They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls outthe Vaseline. And the father says, ''Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes.''

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful youngwoman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tightleather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots andjacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to geton, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allowher leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus drivershe reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinkingthat this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Againshe tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover shestill couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once againreached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and fora second time attempted the step and once again, much to herchagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzippedthe offending skirt to give a little more slack and again wasunable to make the step.About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the linepicked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly onthe step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be heroscreeching at him ''How dare you touch my body!! I don't evenknow who you are!'' At this the Texan drawled ''Well ma'am normally I would agreewith you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kindafigured that we was friends.''