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Situations 

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Stolen Car A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, ''Can I help you, sir?'' ''Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!'' the man replies. The cop asks, ''Where was your car the last time you saw it?'' ''It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!'' the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally. About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, ''Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?'' The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans ''OHHH GOD . . . they got my girlfriend too!!!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder. Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds. Curious, he begins to climb. Before long, he is *in* the clouds. He looks around and sees the most horribly ugly woman he has ever seen in his life. Obese, snaggle-toothed, matted hair..... She looks at him, beckons, and says, ''Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success.'' Well, having no intention of doing *anything* with this woman, the man climbs higher up the ladder. A bit further on, he comes upon a woman slightly less ugly than the woman before. Not attractive, by any means, but not repugnant. ''Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success, ''she says. Again, the man elects to continue his climb. Before long, he comes upon another woman. This one is actually attractive. Not a knock-out, but very pleasing. ''Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success.'' Well, he figures the women keep getting better and better looking as he gets higher and higher. So he decides to continue climbing. A bit farther up is the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen in his life! Miss America beautiful. In a sultry voice she says, ''Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success.'' Well, needless to say he is *very* tempted. But he just can't imagine what could top this woman, so he decides to climb higher. On the next cloud up is a horrid 500 lb man. You can see the lice in his hair, he stinks, his clothes are ratty..... ''Who are you?'' our climber asks in horror. Grinning a toothless grin, the man looks at him and says, ''Hi. I'm Cess.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction. ''Quick, man,'' he whispered to the waiter, ''what did they say?'' ''Nothing,'' replied the waiter. ''They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

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A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. ''I feel terrible,'' he explained, ''I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.'' The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, ''What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?'' The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: ''Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to ''enforce the laws pending.'' He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, ''Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?'' The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, ''This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?'' The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, ''This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?'' The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, ''This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?'' Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, ''You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?'' The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said ''You're so smart, YOU tell ME!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Embarrassing moments The following are the top three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in New Woman Magazine. 1)''While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' ''The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter'' * Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia 2)''It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. ''As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. ''Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.'' * Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York 3)A lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: ''PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN,TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE.'' That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word ''tampax'' for ''THUMBTACKS.'' In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: ''DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy says ''OK,'' and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms. Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms. The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. Guy says, ''OK,'' and goes back to the drug store and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms. Finally, the pharmacist asks, ''Look, if it makes you sick, how come you keep doing it?''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

I HAD A BAD DAY It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly told the man, ''Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died.'' ''No problem.'' said the man. ''Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was going to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more, so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'' The angel sat back and though for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it was a crime of passion, so he announced, ''OK, Sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,'' and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. ''OK, here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died.'' ''Sure thing'' the man replied. ''But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!'' The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. ''I could get used to this new policy,'' he thinks to himself. ''Very well,'' the angel announces. ''Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,'' and he lets the man enter. A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. ''Tell me about the day you died,'' said the angel. ''OK, picture this, '' says the man. ''I'm naked inside a Refrigerator.......''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds: Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed. About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch. ''I'm here about your ad,'' he says. ''You must be mistaken,'' she says. ''Let me explain,'' he says. ''I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And I can't run away because I don't have any legs.'' ''But,'' she asks, ''How do I know you're good in bed?'' ''I rang the doorbell, didn't I?''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child. ''I guess you must be in the fifth,'' she said. ''No ma'am'' he replied, ''I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

The Barber Shop This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, ''How long before I can get a haircut?'' The barber looks around the shop and says, ''About 2 hours.'' The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, ''How long before I can get a haircut?'' The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, ''About 2 hours.'' The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, ''How long before I can get a haircut?'' The barber looks around the shop and says, ''About an hour and a half.'' The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, ''Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.'' In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, ''Bill, where did he go when he left here?'' Bill looked up and said, ''To your house.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named ''Clint'', and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to Clint, ''You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?'' Clint says, ''I want to see my horse.'' The Indians get his horse. Clint grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with Clint. The Indians look at each other, figuring, ''Typical white man - can only think of one thing.'' The second day, the chief says, ''What your wish today?'' Clint says, ''I want to see my horse again.'' The Indians bring him his horse. Clint leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the Clint. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, ''Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing.'' The last day comes, and the chief says, ''This your last wish, white man. What you want?'' Clint says, ''I want to see my horse again.'' The Indians bring him his horse. Clint grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, ''Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Ventriliquist cowboy walks into town and sees Indian sitting on his porch.Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?Indian: Dog no talk.Cowboy: Hey dog, hows it going?Dog: Doin alright.Indian: [extreme look of shock]Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]Dog: YepCowboy: How's he treat you?Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes meto the lake once a week to play.Indian: [look of disbelief]Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?Indian: Horse no talk.Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it going?Horse: Cool.Indian: [extremer look of shock]Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]Horse: YepCowboy: How's he treat you?Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes medown often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.Indian: [total look of amazement]Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?Indian: Sheep Lie!!

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle. When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. ''Oh, those are my father's ashes,'' Stacey informs her new friend. However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with a -- ashes and broken vase scattering all around. After turning three shades of red she stammers out, ''Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to..'' ''It's OK dear,'' the mother says. ''The vase was just from Wal- Mart.'' The new friend catches her breath enough to say, ''But... but your husband's ashes...'' ''Well,'' the mother says, ''looks like he'll just have to get off his lazy butt and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

This young lady, a flighty young thing, got a job cleaning the bank windowsin the evening after the bank closed for business. Anyway, she was up thisladder, cleaning good and proper and as she was in the habit of wearing noknickers, every young man who would come along would stop and stare for asecond or two. But this evening an old geezer came along and stayedlooking.''What are you looking at'' she said.''I'm looking at the moon'' he said.''Well, if you were here last night, you would have seen a man in it'' shesaid.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A man spoke frantically into the phone: ''My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!'' ''Is this her first child?'' the emergency operator asked. ''No, you idiot!'' the man shouted. ''This is her husband!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.Mum : Well, you have done the right thing.Son : But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.The passerby asks, ''Who's in your upstairs room?''The elderly man replies, ''I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs.''The passerby hands him the used condom and says, ''Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, ''Let's get off the corner.'' No one moved, so he barked again, ''Let's get off the corner!'' Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, ''Well, how did I do?''''Pretty good,'' replied the veteran, ''especially since this was a bus stop.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Woman: Two *Achoo!* tickets, please. Clerk: Have you purchased tickets here before? Woman: *cough* No. Clerk: Then I need your address. Woman: Okay. It's 260..*AHEM* Sorry..Laryngitis... Clerk: You'll have to spell that one for me.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

0101.sk

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