Children 

Vicar: Whats that you're doing, Tommy?Tommy: Sticking bangers up frogs arses, Vicar.Vicar: Rectum, Tommy.Tommy: Blows 'em to fucking pieces, Vicar!

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteerto tell a story. Suzy said, ''Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto theroad.'' The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, ''Don't keep all your eggs in one basket.'' Next is little Lucy. ''Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.'' The teacher asks for the moral of the story.Lucy replies ''Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.''Last is little Billy. ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands''. The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly anymoral to his story. Billy replies, ''Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he'sbeen drinking.''

One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom asked him how his day went. He said, ''We're learning about sexual education.'' She smiled, and said, ''At least he's learning something usefull.'' Billy went up to his room. A little later, Billy's mom went up to his room to call him down to dinner. She opens his door and sees him jerking off. She says, ''Billy, when you're done with your homework, supper's on the table.''

There is a child molester and a young boy walking through a deep remote forest. After a while the boy gets very cold and frightened so he says, ''Mister i'm scared and cold, please let me go'',the child molester cries out,''You think your scared I have to walk home alone!''

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in themiddle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in thedelivery.To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lanternand said, ''Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing.''Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.''Whoa there Scotty!'' said the doctor. ''Don't be in a rush to put thelantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come.''Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.''No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern,lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!'' cried the doctor.The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. ''Doye think it's the light that's attractin' them?''

Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noisescoming from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and walkeddown the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it tothe end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroomlight had gone on. Little Johnny walked into the bathroom andsaw his father removing a used condom.''Daddy, what are you doing?'' asked little Johnny.His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tellhis son.I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice.''replied his father.Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said,''Well, what are you doing? Fucking them?''

One day a little boy over heard his parents in the bedrooom arguing,''You bitch, your cunt is too hairy! Whell your dick is to small bastard!''The boy was curious about these new words so he went in the room and asked what they meant. The startled parents did their best to get out of the situation, ''You see son, bitch and bastard are what adults call each other sometimes and dick and cunt is a nickname we gave our coats.'' The boyshrugged his shoulders and went off to play. Later that day the boy was watching his dad shave. Suddenly his dad blurted out, ''Shit'' when he cuthimself. The boy asked, ''dad what does that mean?'' and his dad cleverly replied, ''That's the brand of shaving cream I'm using.'' So the boy wandered into the kitchen where his mom was preparing a turkey for company that evening. As he was watching, his mom burned herself on the stove and blurted out ''Fuck''. Again the boy asked the meaning and the frustrated mother snapped at him, ''It's french for cooking now go awnser the door! Thecompany is already here!'' So the boy went, oopened the door, and put his new vocabulary to use, ''Hello bitches and bastards, you can hang your cuntsand dicks in the closet. My dad is still in the bathroom putting shit on his face and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey.''

The Teacher tells the class they are going to play a game,she will describe an object and the students will tell herwhat she had described.Teacher: ''The first object is Red, Round, and has a stem.'' Timmy: '' I know what it is, it's an apple.'' Teacher: ''That's right, I like the way you're thinking.'' ''OK the next item is round, has a peel, and you eat it.''Christopher: ''I know what it is, it's an orange.'' Teacher: ''That's right, I like the way you're thinking.'' Johnny: ''Can I try, Teacher?'' Teacher: ''Yes Johnny, but, Keep it clean!'' Johnny sticks his hands in his pockets and feels around for asecond, and says ''My object is round, hard, and has a head on it.'' Teacher: ''Alright Johnny, go to the office!'' Johnny: ''No Teacher, it's a quarter, but, I like the way you're thinking!''

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, ''I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there.'' ''No,'' said the doctor calmly, ''He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons.''

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. ''If you get in the car,'' the driver says, ''I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy.'' The boy refuses and keeps on walking. A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. ''How about $20 and two pieces of candy?''The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking. Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. ''OK,'' he says, ''this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat.'' The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. ''Look,'' he says to the driver. ''You bought the Chevrolet, Dad. You'll have to live with it!''

One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class''What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?''Two children rose their hand. One was little Johnny. Hesitant topick on him she chose little Mary.''I think your heart goes first because, that's were your emotionsof love are.''''Very interesting.'' replied the teacher. Seeing no one else hadtheir hand raised but Johnny, she finally called on him.''I think your feet go up first.''Confused but relieved the teacher said, ''Why is that?''Johnny replied, ''Once when I walked in my parents room I saw mydad on my mom, and she had her feet in the air saying ''Oh God!''

A Sunday school teacher asked her first graders.''Where is God?''The room was filled with children that raised their hands to respond.''Okay, Mary, Where is God?''''He is everywhere,'' ''Very good that?s right.''But still there were two children that didn?t put their hands down,so the teacher continued.''Okay, Michael, Where is God?''''God is inside me.''''Very good that?s right.''Now there was one boy sitting in the back of the class waiving his hand. He was the last child with his hand up, so the teacher called on him.''Okay, Danny, Where is God?''''He?s in our bathroom.''Well the teacher just had to ask, ''How do you know he?s in the bathroom?''The answer came, ''Every morning my father knocks on the bathroom door and says,?My God are you still in there?? ''

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. Itwas a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenlythere was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.She quickly turned and asked, ''What's so funny Pat?''''Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.''''Get out of my classroom,'' she yells, ''I don't want to see you for three days.''The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title theassignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an evenlouder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, ''What's so funnyBilly?''''Well miss, I just saw both of your garters.''Again she yells, ''Get out of my classroom!'' This time the punishment is more severe,''I don't want to see you for three weeks.''Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. Soshe bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter fromanother male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving theclassroom.''Where do you think you are going?'' she asks. ''Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!''

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Johnny's hand shoots up. ''Not correct, Miss!'' he says. ''Please explain, Johnny,'' replies the teacher. ''Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went ''ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!'', and before he could say ''FUCK OFF!'', the dog ate him!''

A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked little Johnny, he said, ''My father's dead, Miss.'' ''Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?'' ''He went blue, held his chest and moaned aaaaarrrrrrggg, and collapsed.''

Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bullshitting about how tough their fathers were. ''My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!'' said young Harry. ''Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick that!'' Tommy said. ''That's nothing!'' declared little Johnny. ''My dad hasn't wiped his ass in 10 years... so lick that!''

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, ''Johnny. This is where you come from.'' Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as ''Lucky Johnny.'' ''Why?'' one asked. Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, ''Because I came this close to being a turd.''

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, ''Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?'' The kid says, ''Yeah.'' The cop says, ''Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.'' The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, ''By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?'' Humoring the kid, the cop says, ''Yeah, he sure did.'' The kid says, ''Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.''

A little boy was excited about his first day at school.So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after classstarted, he realized that he desperately needed to go tothe bathroom. So he raised his hand politely to ask ifhe could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, butasked him to be quick.Five minutes later he returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. ''I can't find it'', he admitted.The teacher sat him down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be ableto find it now. The boy looked at the diagram, said ''yes''and goes on his way. Five minutes later he returned to the class room and saysto the teacher ''I can't find it''.Frustrated, the teacher asked Jon, a boy who has been atthe school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.So two fellas go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Jon, ''Well, did you find it?''Jon is quick with his reply: ''Oh sure, he just had hisboxer shorts on backwards''

A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going. The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen.In her most reassuring voice, she said, ''The computer wants to know what your name is,'' then she walked over to the next child.The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, ''My name is David.''