Children 

When I stopped the bus to pick up little five year old Chris forpreschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.''Is that your grandmother?'' I asked Chris when he boarded.''Yes,'' Chris said. ''She's come to visit us for Christmas.'' ''How nice,'' I said. ''Where does she live?''''At the airport,'' Chris replied. ''Whenever we want her we just go out there and get her.''

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. ''Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300.'' ''Easy, Dad,'' the boy replied. ''I earned it hiking.'' ''Come on,'' the father said. ''Tell me the truth.'' ''That is the truth,'' the boy replied. ''Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!''

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, ''Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, ''No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now.''So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, ''Willyou please make a sound like a frog?'' Grandpa again says, ''No, not now. I don't really want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later.''Then the third little boy comes out and says, ''Grandpa, oh please... Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?''''Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?'' Grandpa asked. The little boy replied with a hopeful face, ''Well, Mom said that whenyou croak we get to go to Disney World!''

Little Joey and Little Danny, both aged 5, are walking home fromschool. Danny says ''I won't be going to school tomorrow.'' ''Why not?'' asks Joey. ''I have to go to the hospital,'' says Danny woefully. ''That's awful,'' says Joey. ''Why do you have to go there? Are yousick?'' Danny shakes his head and replies, ''I have to have a circumcision.'' Joey stops dead in his tracks, an expression of complete horror acrosshis face, ''That's Horrible!'' he cries, ''Why, I had that done when I wasborn, and I couldn't walk for MONTHS!!''

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins,to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentlessworld-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied,''Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificatesfiled and since both you and your wife were unconscious,I named them for you.''The husband was thinking to himself, ''Oh no, what has hedone now?'' and said with trepidation,''Well what did you name them?''The brother replied, ''I named the little girl Denise.''The husband, relieved, said, ''That's a very pretty name!What did you come up with for my son?''The brother replied, ''Denephew.''

A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers. Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say ''Hi there little boy!!''One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies. They reply: ''well, that is what size we imagine your penis to be... it is just a joke!''The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, ''HI THERE LADIES!

Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done so wellduring the year that the teacher suggests to the principal they givehim an oral exam to make up for the test he'd missed. The principalagrees so they called Johnny into the office and explain about theoral test.First the teacher asks, ''Johnny what does a cow have four of, that Ionly have two of?''Johnny replies, ''Legs.''So the teacher asks, ''Johnny, what do you have in your pants that Idon't have in my pants?''''Pockets,'' Johnny replies.Finally the teacher asks, ''And Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?''''Rome,'' is his answer.With that the teacher turns to the principal and asks,''Well, shall we pass him?''''Better not ask me,'' the principal says, ''I got the first two wrong!''

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, ''Hey, Pop! What are you doin'?''His father says, ''Son, I'm filling your mother's tank.''Johnny says, ''Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning.''

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says ''See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?''Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. ''Very good Sally,'' the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. ''See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?'' Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. ''Very good Billy,'' the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.''See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?''Still no one guesses. ''Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father.''Johnny shouts out ''I know what it is, it's a horny bastard.''

A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. ''Johnny, who signed theDeclaration of Independence?'' He said, ''Damn if I know.'' She was a littleput out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring hisfather with him when he came back. Next day, the father came with his son,sat in the back of the room to observe. She started back in on her quizand finally got back to the boy. ''Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Whosigned the Declaration of Independence?'' ''Well, hell, teacher,'' Johnnysaid, ''I told you I didn't know.'' The father jumped up in the back,pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, ''Johnny, if you signed thatdamn thing, hell, you damn well better admit it!''Sent by Kelly

Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.''Sure you can, Mickey,'' Charlie said, ''Just flap your armsreally *really* hard.'' So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground six stories below.Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, ''What the hell happened?!?''Charlie said, ''I was just teaching Mickey not to believeeverything someone tells him.''

What is Pink and Red and sits in a corner? A baby with a razor blade.

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, ''Good morning son.'' ''Good morning pastor'' replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. ''Sir, what is this?'' Johnny asked.''Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service'', replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, ''Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?''

Her teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account. ''The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store,'' she said.''Oh good,'' he said, ''Now I can use it to buy some stereoequipment!''

Little Johnny is in class. The teacher is going through the alphabet,having each child think up a word that starts with a letter. They getto ''W'', and the teacher figures Little Johnny can't think up anythingdirty with a ''W'' so she calls on him.''Womb!'', Little Johnny says.''That's a good word, Johnny'', teacher says. ''Is that as in where babiescome from?'' she asks.''No'', says Johnny, ''That's the sound elephants make when they'rescrewing... you know, ''Womb! Womb! Womb!''

A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children,trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration.With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumicestones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers,more flavors than you could ever imagine.''Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these,''announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identifythe taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacherhad them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every oneof the children was stumped.''I'll give you a hint,'' said the teacher. ''It's something yourDaddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time.''Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouthand shouted, ''Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!''

A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, ''Before, B-E-P-H-O-R.''The teacher says, ''No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?''Another little boy stands up and says, ''Before, B-E-F-O-O-R.''Again the teacher says, ''No, that's wrong.'' The teacher asks, ''Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?''Little Johnny stands up and says, ''Before, B-E-F-O-R-E.'' ''Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?''Little Johnny says, ''That's easy. Two plus two be fore.''

Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recentlydivorced mother her age? She told him that was not a questionto ask and that he shouldn't ask it again.He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that shewouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again.The next question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced.Once again, she told him that it was not a question he should askand to not ask that question again. He went away.A few minutes later, she found him digging in her purse. She askedwhat he was doing and as he turn toward his mother, he beamingly toldher he had found all the answers to his questions by looking at herdriver's license.He said, ''Mother, you're 34 years old, weigh 125 pounds and Daddydivorced you because you got an 'F' in sex.''

What is the difference between boogers and spinach? You can't get your kids to eat spinach.

A youngster devoted an entire rainy indoors afternoon to adrawing he was doing with varicolored crayons. His motherfinally looked over his shoulder, and, puzzled, asked ''Who'sthat you're drawing, son?''The son answered, ''God.''''Don't be silly,'' reproved the mother. ''Nobody knows what Godlooks like.''Not even pausing in his task, the son announced calmly,''They will when I'm finished!''