Newest jokes

A blonde was standing in front of a pop machine. Her boyfriend looks over and hears her screaming at the machine...''You're a dumb-looking button!'' ''You don't have much of a future, either!'' ''You're going to be replaced by a much better looking button!'' ''I've got better looking buttons than you in my dresser drawer!''Thinking she flipped her lid, her boyfriend walks over to see what the fuss is about.''What in the heck are you doing?'' her boyfriend asks.The blonde quickly points to the sign on the front of the machine that reads... ''DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE''.

Dear Tech Support:Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend5.0 to Husband1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend5.0.In addition, Husband1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL5.0 and NBA3.0. Conversation8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning2.6 simply crashes the system.I've tried running Nagging5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.--Desperate***Dear Desperate,Keep in mind, Boyfriend5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband1.0 is an operating system.Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears6.2. Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty3.0 and Flowers7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband1.0 to default to GrumpySilence2.5, Happyhour7.0 or Beer6.1.Beer6.1 is a very bad program that will create ''Snoring Loudly'' wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband1.0In summary, Husband1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood3.0 and Lingerie5.3.Good Luck! Tech Support

Diet for Stress How's your stress level? This should help. It is more than a diet, so read on... This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.Breakfast:1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast 8 oz. skim milkLunch: 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast 1 cup steamed spinach 1 cup herb tea 1 Oreo cookieMid-Afternoon snack: The rest of Oreos in the package 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream with nuts, cherries and whipped cream 1 jar hot fudge sauceDinner: 2 loaves garlic bread 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza 3 Snickers barsLate Evening News: Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)Rules for this Diet1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy jar are canceled out by the diet soda.3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS

Q. What did the snail say when he climbed onto the turtles back?A. WHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What's the difference between your wife and your job?After 5 years your job will still suck.

Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks10. Her term of affection for you is ''You Bastard.''9. She shaves your eyebrows off while you are asleep.8. She rushes to answer the phone each time it rings, and puts it down with a hushed, ''I can't talk now... I'll call you later.''7. Your picture on her wall has darts in it.6. She reads books like ''Women are From Venus, Men Are Complete Assholes.''5. She falls asleep during sex. The oral kind. While she's giving it.4. When you call her, she answers your voice with, ''Oh. It's only you.''3. She cancels your date because she has to clean out the septic tank.2. She makes inquiries about going on the Witness Protection Program.And the Number One Sign Your Relationship Is On The Rocks...1. Her cat pees on you. And receives a reward.

Bill's SongThis should be sung to the tune ''A Few of My Favorite Things'' from the movie ''The Sound of Music''The Bill Clinton version:My Favorite ThingsBlow jobs and land deals in backwater places, Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces, Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring, These are a few of my favorite thingsSusan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers, Horny young interns who while 'way the hours, Profits from futures that Hillary brings, These are a few of my favorite thingsWhen that Jones bites, When Ken Starr stings, When I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so badBeating the draft board and getting elected, Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected, Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing, These are a few of my favorite thingsGolfing with Vernon and suborning perjury, Falling down drunk that required knee surgery Stars in the White House who come here to sing, These are a few of my favorite thingsMeeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony, States of the Union with lots of baloney, Winning debates and the joy of my flings, These are a few of my favorite things

Some useful descriptions of people you may come into contact with from day to day.1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.3. A room temperature IQ.4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.5. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.6. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.7. Bright as Alaska in December.8. During evolution, his ancestors were in the control group.9. Fell out of the family tree.10. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.11. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.12. He's so dense, the light bends around him.13. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.14. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.15. It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.16. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.17. Takes him a hour-and-a-half to watch ''60 Minutes''.18. One burger short of a happy meal.

Rejected Hallmark Cards:So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat... when I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat... Sorry.You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.Your computer is dead... it was once so alive Don't you regret installing Windows 95?You totalled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Bud Dry?

TOP 10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN (and what they actually mean)10. I think of you as a brother.. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in ''Deliverance.'')9. There's a slight difference in our ages.. (I don't want to do my dad)8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)7. My life is too complicated right now.. I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)6. I've got a boyfriend .. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's)..5. I don't date men where I work.. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)4. It's not you, it's me.. (It's you.)3. I'm concentrating on my career.. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)2. I'm celibate.. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really means)1. Let's be friends.. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?Marriage.

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?A woman that won't do what she's told.

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)

An eighty year old couple decide to
try for
a child. They visit the doctor who asks the old geezer to produce
a
sperm sample in a bottle. After two weeks, the couple return and the

bottle is empty. ''What's the problem?'' asks the doctor. ''Well,''

says the old man, ''First I tried it with my right hand, then my left.

Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left. Then she
tried
it with her teeth in and with her teeth out, and we still
can't get
the lid off the bloody bottle.''

One day, little
Mikey comes home from
kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in
the kitchen, or the
living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom.
He opens the
door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also
come home for
lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked,
heavily
into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy,
the
parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a

couple of minutes asks, ''Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy

ride?'' ''Of course, Son, we're a family.'' So Mikey climbs on and after a

few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.
''Hang
on Dad!'', cries Mikey, ''this is where me and the mailman usually
fall
off!''

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked
up to his
wife and pinched her on her butt and said, ''You know if
you firmed this
up we could get rid of your girdle.'' While this was
on the edge of
intolerable, she thought herself better and replied
with silence. The next
morning the man woke his wife with a pinch
on the breast and said,
''You know if you firmed these up we could
get rid of your bra.'' This was
beyond a silent response, so she
rolled over and grabbed him by the
penis. With a death grip in place she
said, ''You know if you firmed this
up we could get rid of the
postman, the gardener, the poolman and your
brother.

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate

that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this

makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, ''I know the whole
truth.''
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes
home, and as
he is greeted by his mother he says, ''I know the whole
truth.'' His
mother quickly hands him $20 and says, ''Just don't tell
your father.''
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get
home from work, and
greets him with, ''I know the whole truth.'' The
father promptly hands
him $40 and says, ''Please don't say a word to
your mother.'' Very
pleased, the boy is on his way to school the
next day when he sees the
mailman at his front door. The boy greets
him by saying, ''I know the whole
truth.'' The mailman immediately
drops the mail, opens his arms, and
says, ''Then come give your real
father a big hug.''

A group of blondes walks into a bar, all excited and giggling. They order a round of drinks.One of the blondes raises her glass and shouts excitedly, ''51!!'' ''51!!'' The other blondes echo. After they have finished their drinks, another round is ordered. Again, the blondes toast ''51''. This happens a few times.Finally, the bartender speaks up. ''Excuse me,'' He says, ''But why do you ladies keep doing that?'' ''Well,'' Says one of the blondes, very bubbly, ''We got a puzzle, right? And it said 2-4 years on the box. We finished it in 51 days!!!!!''

Two teenagers wander off to the bushes

during a softball game on the outskirts of town and start necking.
After
a while the boy stops. ''You know we've been doing this for a few

weeks now and I think it's time we went all the way,'' he pleads.

''Well, maybe,'' she says, ''But I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides

all those people at the field may hear us.'' The boy stops and says,

''Hmmm, well then if it hurts, start making cow sounds, and I'll
stop.
But if it feels good start singing. That way no one will ever
guess what
we're really doing.'' The girl agrees so they quickly
take off their
clothes and get down to business. Ten minutes later
people watching the
game hear sounds echoing through the quiet
countryside so loudly that
the teams stop playing.
''Moooo ..... Moooooo
...... Moooooooon River .......!''