Children 

A young boy came home from school and told his mother, ''I had a big fightwith Sidney. He called me a sissy.''''What did you do?'' the mother asked.''I hit him with my purse!''

A young girl is with her dad at the barbers eating somecandy, when it slips from her fingers into a pile of hairon the floor. ''Oh dear, have you got hair on your candy?'' asked the barber. ''Don't be so stupid, I'm only three!!'' said the girl!

A poor little girl was begging in the street. A man passed byand the girl mumbled, ''Please, sir, give me some money for a fix.'' The man answers, astonished, ''Good heavens! But, how old are you,little girl?'' ''I'm eight, sir.'' ''Oh, my God, and how long have you been into drugs?'' ''Since I was raped, sir, when I was four.'' ''RAPED?! And who raped you, little girl?'' ''I don't remember, I was drunk.''

''Say, how old are you anyway ?'' the reporter asked as theobviously young lass was disrobing.''Thirteen.'' she replied with a shy smile.''Thirteen ??? My God girl !!! You get those clothes back on atonce and get the hell outta here ! Are you crazy ?'' he thundered.Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphetsmiled and said, ''Superstitious, huh ?''

How do you make a gay baby cry?Take the pacifier out of his ass.

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, ''Who was *that*?''

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner ''Mom& Pop'' grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundrydetergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly,asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. ''Oh, no laundry,'' the boy said, ''I'm going to wash my dog.''''But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's verypowerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. Infact, it might even kill him.'' But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergentto the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried totalk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy somecandy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. ''Oh, he died,'' the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an ''I-told-you-so'', said he wassorry the dog died but added, ''I tried to tell you not to usethat detergent on your dog.'' ''Well, the boy replied, ''I don't think it was the detergentthat killed him.'' ''Oh? What was it then?'' ''I think it was the spin cycle!''

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very smallboy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him toreach.After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer tothe boys position.He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and,placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives thedoorbell a sold ring.Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently andasks, ''And now what, my little man?''To which the boy replies, ''Now we run!''

A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class. She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, ''oh miss, oh miss!'' with his arm pumping.''Yes, Johnny, what is it?'' she asked, trying to remain calm. Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, ''at our house, we have everything.''''Don't be silly,'' the teacher replied, ''not even the richest man has everything.''''We do,'' he answered, ''My daddy said so the other day.''''Now, why would your father say such a thing?'' she asked.''Well, my fifteen year old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend, and told poppa she was pregnant. That's when my dad said ''God, that's all we needed.''

Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spidersmating. ''Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?'' ''They're mating, Lucy'' he replied.''What do you call the spider on top Daddy?'' Lucy asked.''Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs.Lucy asked, ''Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is aMommy Longlegs?''Daddy replied, ''No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs.''Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!''

A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim. Alarge wave came up and washed over her, tearing off her bikini top.She came out of the surf with her arms folded across her chest.Little Johnny, playing in the sand looked up at her and said,''Lady, if you're going to drown those puppies, I'll take the one withthe brown nose.''

When the boy started Kindergarten, the teacher asked all the children to give their first name. When she got to thelittle boy in the second row, he said: ''I'll give you ahint. First it's in your hand, then it's in your mouth,and then it's in your tummy.''The teacher smiled and said: ''OK, Dick, sit down.''

Little Harry walks in the bathroom and sees his mum with no clothes on, standing in front of him, he looks up at her private parts he asks''What's that mum ? '' His mum frozen tried to think what to say, finally she came up with the following, ''That's where your dad accidentially hit me with an axe!'' and little Harry replies, ''Good shot, right in the CUNT!''

Little Tommy is at the zoo on a school visit and he spots a deer. Being a city kid he's never seen one before and so he asks his teacher, ''What's that, Miss?''Miss decides to play a word game with him and says, ''That's what your Daddy calls Mummy, Tommy.''Tommy thinks for a moment and then says, ''I'm not stupid Miss, I know that ain't a fucking pig!''

Little Johnny was late for school. When he finally got therehis teacher asked,''Why are you late little Johnny?''Johnny replied, ''My grandpa got burnt, Miss.''The teacher replied, ''I hope it wasn't too bad.''Then little Johnny said, ''Don't worry, the crematorium doesn'tmuck around!''

Two kindergarten girls were talking outside: one said,''You won't believe what I saw on the patio yesterday--a condom!''The second girl asked, ''What's a patio?''

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold creamon her face.''Why do you do that, Mommy?''''To make myself beautiful,'' said his mother, who then began removingthe cream with a tissue.''What's the matter?'' asked Little Johnny. ''Giving up?''

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found oneat a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning.''This mower work, son?'' the preacher asked.Little Johnny said, ''Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though.''The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start.Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny'shouse. ''You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough.''''Well,'' Johnny said, ''you need to curse at it sometimes.''The preacher was aghast. ''I've not done that in years!''''Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you.''

A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could.'God,' he prayed, 'I really want a car.'Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty.'God,' he prayed again, 'I really NEED a car.'Still no answer to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his parents' bedroom, and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the mantelpiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls of tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom of his closet.'Okay, God,' he said, getting down onto his knees again, 'if you ever want to see your mother again...'

A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: ''So your mother saysyour prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does shesay?''The little boy replied, ''Thank God he's in bed!''