Marriage Jokes 

Some people
ask the secret of Anthony's
long marriage.

They take time to go to a restaurant two times a
week: a little
candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk
home.

The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was

expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her
friends.

''The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be

musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!''

An old
granny overheard and spoke up, ''Honey, if that's all you want,
get
a TV!''

A fellow was very much in
love with a
beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was
her
birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for
each
year of her life.

That evening he called the local florist and
ordered twenty-one roses
with instructions that they be delivered
first thing the next morning.

As the florist was preparing the
order, he decided that since the young
man was such a good customer,
he would put an extra dozen roses in the
bouquet.

The fellow
never did find out what made the young girl so angry with
him.

A young couple drove several miles down a
country road,
not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led
to an argument, and neither wanted to
concede their
position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband
sarcastically
asked, ''Are they relatives of yours?''

''Yes,'' his wife
replied. ''I married into the family.''

Son: Is it true?
Dad, I heard that in
ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until
he
marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

A boy is about to go on his first
date,
and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for

advice.

The father replies: ''My son, there are three subjects that
always
work. These are food, family, and philosophy.''

The boy
picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream
sodas
in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the

boy's nervousness builds.

He remembers his father's advice, and
chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl: ''Do you like
spinach?'' She says ''No,'' and the
silence returns.

After a few more
uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's
suggestion
and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, ''Do you
have a
brother?'' Again, the girl says ''No'' and there is silence once

again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's
advice and
asks the girl the following question: ''If you had a br
other, would he
like spinach?''

Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing

their wives.

One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at
me last night!

She went on and on and wouldn't stop!


The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.


How do you do that? Says the other.

It's easy! I turn
off the light!

They were married, but since the argument
they had a few days
earlier, they hadn't been talking to each
other.

Instead, they were giving each other written notes.

One
evening he gave her a paper where it said:

''Wake me up tomorrow
morning at 6 am.''

The next morning he woke up and saw that it was
9 o'clock.

Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around
he found a note on
his pillow saying:

''Wake up, it's 6
o'clock!''

Son: How much does it cost to get married,
Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

A
biologist phones his wife from his
office and says, ''Honey, something has
just come up, I realize its not
my field season, but I have to visit my
field site for a week. So,
would you pack my clothes, my field
equipment and my blue silk
pajamas? I'll be home in 1 hour to pick them up.''
A week later he
returned. ''Did you have a good trip, dear?'' his wife
asked.
''Oh, it
was just a typical field trip, you know, work work work,'' he

exclaimed, and added ''But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.''
''No I
didn't,'' she replied. ''I put them in the box of field

equipment!''

''Cash, check or charge?'' I asked after
folding items the
woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet
I notice a
remote control for a television set in her purse.


''Do you always carry your TV remote?'' I asked.

''No,'' she
replied. ''But my husband refused to come shopping with me,
so I figured
this was the most evil thing I could do to him.''

The man approached the very beautiful woman

in the large supermarket and asked, ''You know, I've lost my wife
here
in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''


''Why?''

''Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman
my wife appears out of
nowhere.''

Old Man On A Bench
An old man of ninety
was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman
noticed this and
asked him why he was crying.

''Well,'' says the old fellow, ''I just
got married to a twenty-five
year old woman. Every morning she makes
me a wonderful breakfast, and we
have then have fun together
laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she
makes me a wonderful lunch
and then we make fun together laughing and
relaxing again. At dinner
time she makes me a wonderful supper and then
we relax more and
enjoy ourselves.''

The policeman looks at the old man and says, ''You
shouldn't be
crying! You should be the happiest man in the
world!''

So the old man says, ''I know! I'm crying because I don't
remember
where I live!''

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his
dearly
departed mother and started back toward his car when his
attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The
man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept

repeating, ''Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have

to die?''

The first man approached him and said, ''Sir, I
don't wish to
interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain is more than
I've ever seen before. For whom do you
mourn so deeply? A child? A
parent?''

The mourner took a moment
to collect himself, then replied, ''My
wife's first husband.''

A mother and her child were at a wedding.


A little boy looks at his mom and says, ''Mommy, why does the girl
wear
white?''

His mom replies, ''The bride is in white
because she's happy and this
is the happiest day of her life.''


The boy thinks about this, and then says, ''Well then, why is the boy

wearing black?''

During the wedding
rehearsal, the groom
approached the vicar with an unusual offer. ''Look,
I'll give you
$100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me
and the
part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and

'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if

you'd just leave that part out.''


He passed the clergyman
the cash and walked away satisfied.

The wedding day arrives, and
the bride and groom have moved to that
part of the ceremony where
the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for
the groom's vows,
the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says,
''Will you promise
to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every
command and wish,
serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and
swear
eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever
even
look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?''

Th
e groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, ''Yes.''


The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, ''I thought we had a

deal.''

The vicar put the $100 into his hand and whispered
back, ''She made me
a much better offer.''

Marriage is a three
ring circus:


- Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

A woman accompanied her husband to the

doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife
into his office alone. He
said, ''Your husband is suffering from a
very severe stress disorder.
If you don't follow my instructions
carefully, your husband will surely
die.

''Each morning, fix
him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times.
For lunch make him
a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially
nice meal for
him.

''Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your
problems with him;
it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him.
Most importantly,
make love to him regularly.

''If you can do
this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your
husband will
regain his health completely.''

On the way home, the husband asked
his wife, ''What did the doctor
say?''

''He said you're going
to die,'' she replied.

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking

care of her husband.

When he was slipping in and out of a
coma for several months, she
stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her
to come nearer.

As she
sat by him, he said, ''You know what? You have been with me all

through the bad times.

''When I got fired, you were there to support
me. When my business
failed, you were there. When I got shot, you
were by my side. When we lost
the house, you gave me support. When
my health started failing, you
were still by my side.

''You
know what?''

''What, dear?'' his wife asked gently.

''I
think you bring me bad luck.''

''Honey,'' said this
husband to his wife,
''I invited a friend home for supper.''

''What? Are you crazy? The
house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all
the dishes are dirty,
and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!''

''I know all that.''


''Then why did you invite a friend for supper?''

''Because
the poor fool's thinking about getting married.''