Marriage Jokes 

Never before had Sue looked in the box that
her
husband kept under their bed.

The box had been there for the past 20
years of their marriage but she
had never invaded his privacy. One
day, while cleaning, she decided to
take a look in the box. She
didn't figure it was anything he was
hiding since she could have
looked at it any other time but hadn't.

In the box she found 3
eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very
strange so she went to
Fred and asked, ''Why are there 3 eggs in a box
under our bed?''


He replied, ''Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg
in
the box.'' Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful
but
she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married
for over
20 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times.


''But where did the 10 thousand dollars come from?'' she asked.


''Well, every time I got a dozen, I sold it.''

One night, Peter was home
watching TV
when his wife entered the room and asked, ''If I died,
would you
remarry?''

Peter thought for a second then said ''Yeah I guess I
would''.

Then his the wife asked, ''well would you have her as your
golfing
partner?''

Peter replied, ''yep I probably would do that
too''.

''But surely you wouldn't give her my clubs?!'', she
cried.

Peter looked at her and said, ''Nah, shes left handed.''

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding
anniversary.
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of
the town, and on
this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter
paid them a visit. He
inquired as to the secret of their long and
happy marriage.

''Well,'' explained the husband, ''it all goes back
to our honeymoon.
We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down
to the bottom of the
canyon by pack mule.''

''We hadn't gone
too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife
quietly said
'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule
stumbled
again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: 'That's twice.' We
hadn't
gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife

promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and

shot the mule dead.''

''I started to protest over her
treatment of the mule when she looked
at me and quietly said, 'Thats once.'''

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able
to do
all the things around the house that he used to do. The
doctor started
a long and thorough examination, but finally found
nothing wrong with
the man.

When the examination was complete, he
said, ''Now, Doc, I can take it.
Tell me in plain English what is
wrong with me.''

''Well, in plain English,'' the doctor replied,
''you're just lazy.''

''Okay,'' said the man. ''Now give me the
medical term so I can tell my
wife''.

A young couple got married and
left on
their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called
her
mother. Her mother asked, ''How was the honeymoon?'' ''Oh, Mum,''
she
replied, ''the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...'' Suddenly
she
burst out crying. ''But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started

using the most horrible language...things I'd ever heard before! I mean,

all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take
me
home.... Please Mum!''

''Sarah,'' her mother said, ''calm
down! Tell me, what could be so
awful? What 4-letter words?''


''Please don't make me tell you, Mum,'' wept the daughter, ''I'm so

embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!''


''Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother

these horrible 4-letter words!''

Still sobbing, the bride said,
''Oh, Mum, they were words like dust,
wash, iron, cook!''

Q. What should you do if you see your

ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A.
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the

time they don't work.

What is the one thing that all men at

singles bars have in common?
They're married.

What's the best way to get a man to remember

your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday.

A little girl
and a little boy were at
day care one day. The girl
approaches the boy and says, ''Hey Tommy,
wanna play
house?''
He says, ''Sure! What do you want me to
do?''
The girl replies, ''I want you to communicate your
thoughts.''
''Communicate my thoughts?'' said a bewildered Tommy. ''I
have no idea what
that means.''
The little girl smirks and says, ''Perfect. You can be
the
husband.''

In the midst of a veritable downpour, a
gallant
driver saw
a woman alone in the mud trying to change a flat
tire, and
couldn't bear passing her by. He completed the job for
her,
and, soaked to the skin, exclaimed jovially, ''There,
little
lady, that's done!'' ''Quiet,'' she ordered him. ''You'll wake
up my
husband. He's taking a nap in the back seat.''

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife

were sitting outside
a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for
fellow tourists. An Arab
salesman approached them carrying belts.


After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked

where they were from.

''America,'' the husband replied.


Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded.
''She's
not from the States.''

''Yes I am.'' said the wife. He looked at her
and asked. ''Is he
your husband?'' ''Yes.'' she replied.


Turning to the husband, he offered..... ''I'll give you 100 camels
for
her.'' The husband looked stunned, and there was a long
silence.
Finally he replied, ''she's not for sale.''

After the salesman left,
the somewhat indignant wife asked her
husband what took him so long
to answer, to which the
husband replied, ''I was trying to figure
out how to get 100
camels back home.''

Personally I think one of the greatest things
about
marriage is that
as both husband and Father, I can say
anything I want to around the
house.

Of course, no one pays the
least bit of attention.

Larry's barn burned down, and Susan, his
wife, called the
insurance
company ...

Susan: We had that
barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.
Agent: Whoa there
just a minute, Susan; it doesn't work quite like
that.
We will
ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new
one

of comparable worth.
Susan, after a pause: I'd like to cancel
the policy on my husband.

An explorer
goes into an undiscovered
tomb for the first time, and in
the center of the tomb there is a lamp.
So he picked it up and started
to rub the dirt off of it, and out
came a genie out of the lamp and he
said ''I want to know the person
you hate the most''
The explorer said ''That's gotta be my ex-wife.
Why?''
''I am a cursed genie, I will grant you three wishes but whatever
you
wish for your ex-wife will get double the amount.''
''OK, I
wish for a billion dollars''
''Granted, but your ex-wife gets two
billion''
''I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and
tennis
courts, everything''
''Granted your ex-wife gets two. This is
your final wish''
The explorer walked around the room and came back to
the genie with a
stick and said ''Ya see this stick, I'd like you to
beat me half to
death.''

A guy is down on his luck. He takes his

last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.
Overnight, he has a fantastic run of
luck. He stumbles out of the
casino
and finds a pay phone. He
calls his wife and says, ''Honey, pack your
bags.
I just won over a
million dollars in Vegas.''
His wife say, ''That's wonderful. What
should I pack for...Europe, the
Carribean?''
He says, ''I don't
care, just be gone when I get home.''

Husband: What do you love most, my

natural beauty or my body?

Wife: Your sense of humor.

A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing

his wife when
he found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why
he shot
her instead of her lover, he replied,
''Ah, m'sieur, is it
not better to shoot a woman once than a
different man every
week?''

A
man was walking in the street when he
heard a voice: ''Stop! Stand
still! If you take one more step, a
brick will fall down on your head
and
kill you.''
The man stopped
and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was
astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the

road.
Once again the voice shouted: ''Stop! Stand still! If you take one
more
step a car will run over you and you will die.''
The man did as he
was instructed, just as a car came careening around
the
corner,
barely missing him.
''Where are you?'' the man asked. ''Who are
you?''
''I am your guardian angel,'' the voice answered.
''Oh yeah?'' the man
asked...''And where were you when I got married?''

A man called
the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed: ''Come and bury
my
wife.''
''But I buried your wife ten years ago,'' replied the undertaker.
''I
got married again,'' the man sobbed.
''Oh,'' said the undertaker.
''Congratulations.''

This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It

was on this day two years
ago that I lost my dear wife and
children.

I'll never forget that game of cards...