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Marriage Jokes 

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Jokes found: 8543

Jill tells her husband, ''Jack, that young
couple that
just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every
morning, when he
leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every
evening when he
comes homes, he brings her a dozen
roses.

Now, why can't you do that?''

''Gosh,'' Jack says, ''why I hardly
know the girl.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

The
newlywed wife said to her husband
when he returned from work, ''I have
great news for you. Pretty soon,
we're going to be three in this house
instead of two.''

Her
husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his

eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said,
''I'm
glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother
moves in
with us.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A man and woman where on their honeymoon

after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide
to
take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of
Europe. As
the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse
mis-steps and
jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the
man dismounts,
walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes.
Finally, he states,
''That's one.'' The man remounts his horse and
they continue their ride.

A bit further down the path, the woman's
horse stumbles when stepping
over a fallen tree. The man dismounts,
stares the horse in the eyes,
and boldly states, ''That's two!'' He
returns to his saddle and they
move on.

As the afternoon sun
began to set, the woman's horse once again lost
its footing on a
mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's
horse, and
helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front
o
f the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, ''That's

three,'' removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse
dead.

The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to

her husband, ''That's terrible, why would you do such a
thing!''

The man stares at his wife and firmly says, ''That's one!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

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After shopping for most of the day, a couple

returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police

station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to
the
parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of
the crime.
To their amazement, the car has been returned.


There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two

tickets to a music concert. The note reads, ''I apologize for taking

your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your

ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the
inconvenience. Here
are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks,
the
country-and-western music star.''

Their faith in humanity
restored, the couple attend the concert and
return home late. They
find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods
have been taken
from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And,
there is
a note on the door reading, ''Well, you still have your car. I
have
to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A
police officer in a small town stopped
a motorist who was speeding down
Main Street.

''But,
officer,'' the man began, ''I can explain''

''Just be quiet,'' snapped the
officer. ''I'm going to let you cool
your heels in jail until the
chief gets back.''

''But, officer, I just wanted to say''

''And
I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!''

A few hours later
the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,
''Lucky for you that
the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a
good mood
when he gets back.''

''Don't count on it,'' answered the fellow in
the cell. ''I'm the
groom.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

young couple
were on their honeymoon. The
husband was sitting in the bathroom on the
edge of the bathtub
saying to himself, ''Now how can I tell my wife that
I've got really
smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've
managed to keep
it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to
find out
sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell
her?''

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, ''Now how
do I
tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very

lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's

lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell

him gently?''

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to
tell his wife and so he
walks into the bedroom. He walks over to
the bed, climbs over to his
wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves
his face very close to hers and
says, ''Darling, I've a c
onfession to make.''

And she says, ''So have I, love.''

To
which he replies, ''Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Old Farmer
Johnson was dying. The family
was standing around his bed. With a low
voice he sad to his wife:
''When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer
Jones.''

Wife: ''No,
I can't marry anyone after you.''

Johnson: ''But I want you
to.''

Wife: ''But why?''

Johnson: ''Jones once cheated me in a
horse deal!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

In olden times, it is reported that
sacrifices
were made at the altar.

Since then, weddings have been
held there, and times haven't changed
at all!

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A psychiatrist visited a
California
mental institution and asked a patient, ''How did you get here? What
was
the nature of your illness?'' He got the following reply.

''Well,
it all started when I got married and I guess I should never
have
done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my

stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my
lovely stepdaughter, then
married her. And so my stepdaughter was now
my stepmother. Soon, my
wife had a son who was, of course, my
daddy's brother-in-law since he is
the half-brother of my stepdaughter,
who is now, of course, my daddy's
wife.

So, as I told you,
when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at
once my
stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he
also
became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since
she
is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my
r
stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's
grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my

step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby,
but
I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got
put in
this place?''

After staring blanky with a dizzy look
on his face, the psychiatrist
replied: ''Move over!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A man really
loved a woman, but he was
just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in
his years and
neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they
dated about once a
week for the past six years, but he was so timid he
just never got
around to suggesting marriage much less living together.

But one
day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls
her
on the phone, ''June.''

''Yes, this is June.''

''Will you
marry me?''

''Of course I will! Who's this?''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A
dietician was once addressing a large
audience in Chicago. ''The
material we put into our stomachs is
enough to have killed most of us sitting
here, years ago. Red meat is
awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and
none of us realizes the
germs in our drinking water. But there is one
thing that is the most
dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can
anyone here tell me
what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the
first row,
please give us your idea.''

The man lowered his head and said,
''Wedding cake.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

The following
conversation took place one
morning between a wife and her husband. They
were discussing
government cost cuts that they recently heard about in
the
paper.

''Steve,'' his wife said, while reading the newspaper, ''it looks like

our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military

forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged
destroyers.''

To which the husband replies, ''Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure

you'll miss your mother being gone.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

There was once a wife so jealous
that
when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs
on
his jackets she yelled at him, ''Great, so now you're cheating on
me
with a bald woman!''

The next night, when she didn't smell any
perfume, she yelled again by
saying, ''She's not only bald, but
she's too cheap to buy any
perfume!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave

when the following took place.

''It's just too hot to wear
clothes today,'' complained Jack as he
stepped out of the shower.
''Honey, what do you think the neighbors would
think if I mowed the
lawn like this?''

''Probably that I married you for your money.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A recent survey done
by marriage experts
shows that the most common form of marriage
proposal these days
consists of the words: ''You're what?!?''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Hubby - You always carry my photo in your
handbag to the
office. Why?

Wife - When there is a problem, no
matter how impossible, I look at
your picture and the problem
disappears.

Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for
you?

Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, ''What
other problem
can there be greater than this one?''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A man was traveling down a country road when
he saw a large group of
people outside a house. He stopped and
asked a person why the large
crowd was there.

A farmer replied,
''Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she
died.''

''Well,''
replied the man, ''she must have had a lot of friends.''

''Nope,''
said the farmer, ''we all just want to buy his
mule.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

It's not what you say, but the way you say
it.

On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: ''Time stands still
when I
look into your eyes.''

The girl was very
flattered.

What the boy had really meant was, ''You have a face that would
stop a
clock.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A young husband with an inferiority complex

insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.

The
marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, ''If you wish
to
save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A person
receives a telegram informing
him about his mother-in-law's death. It
also enquires whether she
should be buried or burnt.

He replies, ''Don't take chances. Burn
the body and bury the
ashes.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

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