Sport Jokes 

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing
lesson.

''Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?' she asked the
instructor.

''P-u-t-t is correct,' he replied.

''Put means
to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a
vain
attempt to do the same thing.''

A couple of old guys were golfing
when one
said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in
the
morning.

His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a
few years
before. ''Is that so?'' the first said. ''Did he do a good
job?''

''Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the
ninth hole
hooked a shot,'' he said. ''The ball most have been going
200 mph when
it hit me in the stomach. That,'' he added, ''was the
first time in two
years my teeth didn't hurt.''

Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car,
who's
driving?
A: The police.

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to
discuss
a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel.
''Your
holiness,'' said one of the Cardinals, ''Mr. Peres wants to
determine
whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to
a golf match.''
The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held
a golf club in his
life.

''Not to worry,'' said the Cardinal,
''we'll call America and talk to
Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a
Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres...
We can't lose!'' Everyone
agreed it was a good idea. The call was made
and, of course, Jack was
honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus
reported to the Vatican to inform the
Pope of his success in the
match. ''I came in second, your Holiness,''
said Nicklaus.


''Second?!!'' exclaimed the surprised Pope. ''You came in second to
Shimon
Peres?!!''

''No,'' said Nicklaus, ''second to Rabbi Woods.''

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf

later than normal and very tired. ''Bad day at the course?'' his wife

asked.

''Everything was going fine,'' he said. ''Then Harry had a
heart attack
and died on the 10th tee.''

''Oh, that's
awful!''

''You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the
ball,
drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry.''

Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson

after the fight?
A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!

Tyson's psychologist told Mike to
take a
year off, he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't
say
two!

Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first
week at spring
training?
A: Studying their Miranda Rights.

Big Ron
was caught speeding on his way to
the City Ground today.
''I'll do anything for 3 points'', he said when
questioned.

Q: How does Stan Collymore change a
lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football

game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

''I
liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each
other
for 25 cents,'' she said.

''What do you mean?'' he
asked.

''Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'''

Coming
home from his Little League game,
Billy swung open the front door very
excited. Unable to attend the
game, his father immediately wanted to know
what happened. ''So, how
did you do son?'' he asked.

''You'll never believe it!'' Billy said.
''I was responsible for the
winning run!''

''Really? How'd you
do that?''

''I dropped the ball.''

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when

there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to

them. In the distance a voice shouts out ''Charlton are good enough
to
win the European Cup.'' Snow White says ''Well at least Dopey's

alive!''

St. Peter and Satan
were having an argument
one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game
to be played on
neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly
host and his own
hand-picked boys.

''Very well,'' said the gatekeeper of Heaven.
''But you realize, I
hope, that we've got all the good players and
the best coaches.''

''I know, and that's all right,'' Satan answered
unperturbed. ''We've
got all the umpires.''

It was a
particularly tough football game,
and nerves were on edge. The home team had
been the victim of three
or four close calls, and they were now
trailing the visitors by a
touch-down and a field goal. When the official
called yet another
close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback
blew his
top.

How many times can you do this to us in a single game?'' he
screamed.
''You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that
last first
down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first
quarter.''

The official just stared.

The quarterback
seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get
him tossed from the
game. ''What it comes down to,'' he bellowed, ''is
that you STINK!''


The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked
up
the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned
to face
the steaming quarterback.

The official finally
replied, ''And how do I smell from here?''

Two
college basketball players were taking an important
final exam. If they
failed, they would be on academic probation and
not allowed to play in
the big game the following week. The exam was
fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, ''Old MacDonald had a
________.''

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But
he knew he needed
to get this one right to be sure he
passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the

shoulder. ''Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last
question?''

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't

noticed then he turned to Bubba. ''Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone
knows
Old MacDonald had a FARM.''

''Oh yeah,'' said Bubba. ''I
remember now.''

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write
the answer in the
blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's should
er again, he whispered, ''Tiny,
how do you spell farm?''

''You
are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled

E-I-E-I-O.''

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy
seat at Lambeau.
Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat
on the 50-yard
line. Thinking to himself ''what a waste'' he made his
way down to the
empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he
asked the man sitting next to it, ''Is
this seat taken?'' The man
replied, ''This was my wife's seat. She
passed away. She was a big
Packers fan.'' The other man replied,''I'm so
sorry to hear of your
loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket
to a friend or a
relative?''

The man replied, ''They're all at the funeral.''

Where do footballers dance?
At a football!

Egotistical Harry was always reminding people
that he
played semi-pro baseball.

''I was the James Bond type
of player,'' he told his friends. ''I had
all sorts of tricks to
confuse the opposition.''

''Batted .007,'' his wife added.

A true story, according to the LA
Times.....

Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, ''Is

your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?''

Wilkins replied,
''I don't know and I don't care!''