Sport Jokes 

What part of a football pitch smells nicest
?
The scenter spot !

What's the chilliest ground in the premiership
?
Cold Trafford !

Golfer: ''Please stop checking your watch all the
time, caddy. It's
distracting!''
Caddy: ''This isn't a watch,
sir, its a compass!''

Golfer: ''Caddy,
do you think it is a sin to
play golf on Sunday?''
Caddy: ''The way you play, sir, it's a sin any
day of the
week!''

Golfer: ''This golf is a funny game.''
Caddy:
''It's not supposed to be.''

Golfer: ''That can't be my
ball, caddy. It
looks far too old.''
Caddy: ''It's a long time since we started,
sir.''

Golfer: ''Do you think I can get there with a

5-iron?''
Caddy: ''Eventually.''

Golfer:
''I'd move heaven and earth to be
able to break 100 on this course.''
Caddy: ''Try heaven. You've already
moved most of the
earth.''

Golfer: ''Well, I have never played this badly
before!
Caddy: ''I didn't realize you had played before, sir.''

Golfer: ''Caddy, do you think my game is

improving?''
Caddy: ''Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you
used
to.''

''How was your golf game, dear?'' asked Jack's

wife Tracy.

''Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my
eyesight's gotten so bad, I
couldn't see where the ball
went.''

''You're seventy-five years old, Jack!'' admonished his wife. ''Why
don't
you take my brother Scott along?''

''But he's eighty-five and
doesn't even play golf anymore,''
protested Jack.

''Yes, but
he's got perfect eyesight and can watch your ball for
you,''
Tracy
pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on.
Jack swung and the
ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
''Did you see where it
went?'' asked Jack.

''Yup,'' Scott
answered.

''Well, where is it?'' yelled Jack, peering off into the
distance.

''I forgot.''

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about
to tee
off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells,
''Wait!
Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show
you!''

The golfer, annoyed, says, ''What is it?''

''It's a
special golf ball,'' says the salesman. ''You can never lose
it!''


''Whattaya mean,'' scoffs the golfer, ''you can never lose it? What
if
you hit it into the water?''

''No problem,'' says the
salesman. ''It floats, and it detects where
the shore is, and spins
towards it.''

''Well, what if you hit it into the woods?''


''Easy,'' says the salesman. ''It emits a beeping sound, and you can
find
it with your eyes closed.''

''Okay,'' says the golfer, impressed.
''But what if your round goes
late and it gets dark?''

''No
problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you,
you
can never lose this golf ball!''

The golfer buys it at once
. ''Just one question,'' he says to the
salesman. ''Where did you get
it?''

''Ummm, I found it.''

Golfer: ''I've played so poorly all day; I

think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake.''
Caddy: ''I doubt
you could keep your head down that long.''

Joe decides to take
his boss Phil to play 9
holes on their lunch. While both men are playing
excellent they are
often held up by two women in front of them moving
at a very slow
pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can
speed it
up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs

back.

His boss asks what the problem is. ''Well one of those women is my
wife
and the other my mistress,'' complained Joe. Phil just shook
his head
at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his
round of
golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game,
he too stopped
short and turned around.

Joe asked ''what's
wrong?'' It's a small, small world Joe, and
you're fired''

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks
around
frowning.

Finally the pro askes her what she wants.
''I can't find any green
golf balls,'' the blonde golfer
complains.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs,
and
finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough,
there are
no green golf balls.

As the blonde golfer walks
out the door in disgust, the pro asks her,
''Before you go, could you
tell me why you want green golf balls?''

''Well obviously, because
they would be so much easier to find in the
sand traps!''

A golfer, playing a round
by himself, is
about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up
to him, and
yells, ''Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really
amazing to
show you!''

The golfer, annoyed, says, ''What is it?''


''It's a special golf ball,'' says the salesman. ''You can never lose

it!''

''Whattaya mean,'' scoffs the golfer, ''you can never lose it?
What if
you hit it into the water?''

''No problem,'' says the
salesman. ''It floats, and it detects where
the shore is, and spins
towards it.''

''Well, what if you hit it into the woods?''


''Easy,'' says the salesman. ''It emits a beeping sound, and you can

find it with your eyes closed.''

''Okay,'' says the golfer,
impressed. ''But what if your round goes
late and it gets dark?''


''No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you,

you can never lose this golf ball!''

The golfer buys it at
once. ''Just one question,'' he says to the
salesman. ''Where did you
get it?''

''I found it.''

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting
one
morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.


Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15

minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a
word with him.
[dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that
group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?

George:
Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost
their
sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let

them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.


Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
them
tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact
my ophthalmologist buddy
and see if there's anything he can do for
them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

After a particularly poor game of
golf, a
popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home.
As
he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped

him and asked, ''Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty

minutes ago?''

''Yes,'' the golfer responded.

''Did you
happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and
off the
course?''

''Yes, I did. How did you know?'' he asked.


''Well,'' said the policeman very seriously, ''Your ball flew out onto
the
highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went

out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire

truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down.
So,
what are you going to do about it?''

The golfer thought
it over carefully and responded...

''I think I'll close my
stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower
my right thumb.''

A young man who was also an avid golfer found

himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he
hurried
and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had
to head
home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman
shuffled onto
the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as
he was golfing
alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old
gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly
quickly. He didn't hit the
ball far, but plodded along consistently
and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway
and the young man found himself
with a tough shot. There was a large
pine tree right in front of his ball
- and directly between his
ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit
the shot the old man
finally said, ''You know, when I was your age
I'd hit the ball right over
that tree.''

With that chal
lenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit
the ball
up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded
back on
the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old
man offered one more comment, ''Of course, when I was your age
that
pine tree was only three feet tall.''

A man is stranded on a desert
island, all
alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon.
He
thinks to himself, ''It's not a ship.'' The speck gets a little
closer
and he thinks, ''It's not a boat.'' The speck gets even closer and
he
thinks, ''It's not a raft.'' Then, out of the surf comes this

gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to

the guy and says, ''How long has it been since you've had a
cigarette?''

''Ten years!'', he says.

She reaches over and unzips a
waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and
pulls out a pack of fresh
cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says,
''Man, oh man! Is
that good!''

Then she asked, ''How long has
it been since you've had a drink of
whiskey?''

He replies,
''Ten years!''

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on
her right sleeve,
pulls out a flask and gives it to him.


He takes a long swig and says, ''Wow, that's fantastic!''


Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of

her wet suit and she says to him, ''And how long has it been since

you've had some real fun?''

And the man replies, ''Wow! Don't
tell me that you've got golf clubs
in there!''