Bar Jokes 

|A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, ''What'll it be buddy?''The man says, ''Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.'' The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. ''You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have.'' The bartender hastily asks, ''What do you have pal?'' The man quickly replies, ''I have a dollar.''

|A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, ''I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass.''The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, ''Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?''The man answers, ''Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the

|A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, ''Say, father, what causes arthritis?'' ''Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.'' ''Well I'll be.'' the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. ''I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?'' ''I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.''

|An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, ''You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.'' The Irishman replies, ''Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.'' The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ''I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.'' The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. ''Oh, no,'' he says, ''Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking.''

|Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

|There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, ''Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying.''''No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.''

|A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.She looks the man up and down and says, ''I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!''The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, ''Man, I'm on the wrong bus!''

|Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, ''I vould like some blood.''The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, ''I vould like some blood.''The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, ''I vould like some plasma.''The waitress looks up and says, ''Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?''

|A neutron walks into a bar. ''I'd like a beer'' he says.The bartender promptly serves up a beer. ''How much will that be?'' asks the neutron. ''For you?'' replies the bartender, ''no charge''

|John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, ''I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away.''Just then Jessica said, ''I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.'' So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, ''Sir your license has expired.'' And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning. Jessica said, ''I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.'' Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, ''Jessica, shut your mouth!'' pr0perty0fgl0wp0rtThe officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. ''Does your husband always talk to you like that?''Jessica replied, ''only when he's drunk.''

|A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.The bartender asks the seal, ''What's your pleasure?''The seal replies, ''Anything but Canadian Club.''

|John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.''How did you like that jump, buddy?'' said a proud John to a deck hand.''It was great,'' said the sailor. ''But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!''

|A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac. The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, ''What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac? The motorway replies, ''You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath.''

|A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. ''Does your dog bite?''''No.''A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.''I thought you said your dog didn't bite!'' the man says indignantly.''That's not my dog.''

|The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, ''What'll you have?'' The guy answers, ''A scotch, please.'' The bartender hands him the drink, and says ''That'll be five dollars,'' to which the guy replies, ''What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.''A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, ''You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.''The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, ''Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.''The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, ''What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!'' The guy says, ''What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!'' The bartender replies, ''I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.''To which the guy replies, ''Thank you. Make it a scotch.''

|A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.The barman refuses to serve him. ''Why not,'' asks the golf club.''You'll be driving later,'' replies the bartender.

|A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.''Whoa, Sam!'' said the bartender. ''Who gave those beauties to you?''''Nobody gave them to me,'' said Sam. ''I had to fight like crazy for both of them.''

|One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: ''Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.'' So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: ''That will be $36.50 please.'' The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. ''What, no drink for me?'' replies the bartender. ''Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.''

|A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, ''You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman.''

|A brain walks into a bar and says, ''I'll have a pint of beer please.''The barman looks at him and says ''Sorry, I can't serve you.''''Why not?'' askes the brain.''You're already out of your head.''