Bar Jokes 

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash. The barman says, “Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail. I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.” 50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces. Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks. Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, “Say what breed is that anyway?” The owner says, “Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.”

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, ''Dang, why are you drinking so fast?'' The guy says, ''You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.'' The bartender says, ''What do you have?'' The guy says, ''75 cents.''

Three men walk into a bar and the barman says, 'If you can sit in my basement for a day I'll give you free beer forever.' So the first man says, 'Easy. I can do that.' But he walks out after five minutes and says, 'It's impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there.' So the second man tries his luck, but can't take more than 10 minutes. Finally the third man goes in and comes out a day later. The others ask him how he did it. He said, 'Easy. I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!'

A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front of him he see's a big jar full of change and a little card that reads: Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh. COST $5 So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Two minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the floor. So the guy takes the money and leaves. The next day the same guy walks in the bar again and see's the horse and the jar, this time it says: You can win all of this if you make the horse cry. COST $10 So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Four minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had. So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks ''How did you do that?'' The guy says ''The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!''

A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar and orders a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself to use the restroom. The bartender feel a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar, so he decides to make small talk with them. He asks the first duck, ''What's your name?''''Huey,'' replies the duck. ''So, how's your day been?''''Oh, I've had a great day,'' replies Huey. ''I've been in and out of puddles all day.'' The bartender asks the second duck, ''What's your name?'' ''Duey,'' replies the duck.''So, how's your day been?'' ''Oh, I've had a great day,'' replies Duey. ''I've been in and out of puddles all day.'' The witty bartender says to the third duck, ''So I guess your name is Louie?'' The duck replies, ''No, I'm Puddles.''

A physically large guy meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, ''See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of Dynamite!'' She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs, ''See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!'' She is aching for action at this point.Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks, ''Why are you in such a hurry to leave?'' She replies, ''With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!''

One day, this guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.''What's the matter?'' the bartender asks. ''My wife and I got into a fight,'' explained the guy ''and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days.'' The bartender thought about this for a while. ''But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?'' asked the bartender. '' Yeah, except today is the last night.

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, ''Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.'' So the Doberman says, ''I love liver and cheese.'' The Collie replies, ''That's not good enough.'' The Bulldog says, ''I hate liver and cheese.'' She says, ''That's not creative enough.'' Finally, the Chihuahua says, ''Liver alone . . . cheese mine.''

|John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. ''You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!'' Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. ''How do you know this, Sister?'' ''My Mother Superior told me so.''''But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?'' ''Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself'' ''Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life'' ''How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!'' ''I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know.''The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. ''Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks'', then he lowers his voice and says to the barman ''and could you put the vodka in a teacup?''''Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?''

|A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, ''If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?'' The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, ''If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?'' The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. ''Sorry,'' the man replies, ''he's not for sale.'' The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. ''No,'' he insists, ''he's not for sale.'' The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.''Are you insane?'' the bartender demanded. ''That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!'' ''Don't worry about it.'' the man answered. ''The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist.''

|A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: ''Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home.''The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.The drunk's wife greets them at the door: ''Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?''

|A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, ''You look terrible. What's the problem?'' ''My mother died in August,'' he said, ''and left me $25,000.'' ''Gee, that's tough,'' he replied. ''Then in September,'' the friend continued, ''My father died, leaving me $90,000.'' ''Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed.'' ''And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.'' ''Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.'' ''Then this month,'' continued, the friend, ''absolutely nothing!''

|A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, ''I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.'' ''Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!'' she screamed. ''Funny,'' he muttered, ''you even sound exactly like her.''

|Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. ''I'll bet you $10 he'll jump,'' said the first guy. ''Bet you $10 he won't,'' said the second guy.Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.''I can't take your money,'' said the first guy. ''I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news.'' ''No, no. Take it,'' said the second guy. ''I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!''

|A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says ''You can't bring that dog in here!'' The guy, without missing a beat, says ''This is my seeing-eye dog.'' ''Oh man, '' the bartender says, ''I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me.'' The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says ''You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog.'' The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says ''Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!''The second man replies ''This is my seeing-eye dog.'' The bartender says, ''No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs.'' The man pauses for a half-second and replies ''What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?''

|A man walks into a bar and says, ''Bartender, give me two shots.'' Bartender says, ''You want them both now or one at a time?'' The guy says,'' Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here,'' and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.The bartender asks ''He can drink?'' ''Oh, sure. He can drink.'' So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. ''That's amazing'' says the bartender. ''What else can he do, can he walk?'' The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, ''Hey, Jake. Go get that.'' The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.The bartender is in total shock. ''That's amazing'' he says, ''what else can he do? Does he talk?'' The man says ''Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!''

|A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk ''do you live here?'' ''Yep''. ''Would you like me to help you upstairs?'' ''Yep''. When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked ''Is this your floor?'' ''Yep''.Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk ''Do you live here?'' ''Yep''. ''Would you like me to help you upstairs?'' ''Yep''. So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried ''Please officer, protect me from this man.He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!''

|The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.1. It's an incentive to show up.2. It reduces stress.3. It leads to more honest communications.4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.8. It encourages carpooling.9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.11. It makes fellow employees look better.12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

|The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

|A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, ''Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!'' ''So?'' asked the ducks former owner, ''did you remember to light the candle under the pot?''