Travel and tourist jokes 

A German tourist walks into a
McDonald's in New York City
and orders a
beer. (In Germany and many
parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does
serve
beer.) The
local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the
jab: ''They
don't serve BEER here, you MORON!'' The German fellow felt
pretty
stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised
look,

and begins to chuckle.

''And what's so funny?!?'' the New
Yorker demands.

''Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came
here for the
food.''

This woman is visiting in Israel

and notices that her little travel alarm
needs a battery. She
looks for a watch repair shop and while she
doesn't
read Hebrew
she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the
window.

She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says, ''Madam, I

don't
repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions.''
She says,
''Why all the clocks in the window?''
And he says, ''And what should I
have in my window?''

A magician was
working on a
cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience
would be
different each
week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same
tricks over and
over
again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw
the shows
each week and
began to understand how the magician did
every trick. Once he
understood he started
shouting in the middle
of the show: ''Look, it's not the same hat''
''Look, he is hiding
the
flowers under the table'' ''Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of

Spades
?'' The magician
was furious but couldn't do anything; it
was, after all, the
captain's
parrot.
One day the ship had an
accident and sank. The magician found himself
on a piece of
wood
in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared
at
each other with hate,
but did not utter a word. This went on for a
day and another and
another.
After a week the parrot said:
''OK, I give up. Where's the boat?''

A group of Americans was touring

Ireland. One of the women in
the group was a real curmudgeon,
constantly complaining. The
bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is
terrible. It's too hot. It's
too cold. The accommodations are
awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.

''Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the

Blarney Stone,''the guide said. ''Unfortunately, it's being
cleaned
today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we
can come back
tomorrow.''

''We can't be here tomorrow,'' the nasty woman shouted.
''We
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss

the stupid stone.''

''Well now,'' the guide said, ''it is said
that if you kiss someone
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the
same good fortune.''

''And I suppose you've kissed the stone,''
the woman scoffed.

''No, ma'am,'' the frustrated guide said,
''but I've sat on
it.''

Father O'Mally has been preaching
at his church in Ireland for so
long, that he decides to take a
vacation. He has never been married
and he is curious as to what an
American endures in everyday life. So,
he decides to go to the States
before it is too late. He hops on the
plane bound for Nevada. He
arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas.

As he is exiting the plane,
someone in the airport runs up to him and
exclaims, ''Elvis! Oh my God!
It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead
Elvis! How have you been?''
Father looks at her and says, ''Get outta
me
face. Can't you see
I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like
Elvis.''

The
father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and
he's
a little upset so he tells the cabby, ''Take me to my hotel and
step
on it.'' The cabby turns and says, ''Sure thing sir - Oh my God!
It's
Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's

so
great to see you!'' ''Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis!
Now turn
around and drive!''

So, the cabby speeds up to the
hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things
and walks up to the hotel
check-in counter. ''Oh my God! Oh my God!
It's you!'' screams the hotel
clerk. ''You're back Elvis! I knew this
day would happen. We saved
everything just the way you like it! Free
cheeseburgers, peanut
butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs,
and a full liquor bar!
I'm so glad you're back!''

Father O'Malley looks at the hotel
clerk and says, ''Thank you...
Thank
you very much!''

The Zen Master is visiting New York
City from Tibet.
He goes up to a
hot dog vendor and says, ''Make
me one with everything.''

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and
hands it to the Zen Master, who
pays with a $20 bill.

The
vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. ''Where's
my
change?'' asks the Zen Master.

The vendor responds, ''Change must come
from within.''

Three New Zealanders and three
Aussies are
travelling by train to a cricket match at the World Cup in
England.

At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket
and watch as the
three New Zealanders buy just one ticket between
them. ''How are the
three of you going to travel on only one ticket?''
asks one of the Aussies.
''Watch and learn,'' answers one of the New
Zealanders.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their
respective seats but
all three New Zealanders cram into a toilet and
close the door behind
them.

Shortly after the train has
departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on
the toilet door and says, ''Ticket please.''

The door opens just a
crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in
hand. The conductor
takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was
quite a clever idea. So after the
game, they decide to copy the
New Zealanders on the return trip and
save some money (being
clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station,
they buy a single ticket for the return
trip. To their astonishment,
the New Zealanders don't buy a ticket at
all!!

''How are you
going to travel without a ticket?'' says one perplexed
Aussie.


''Watch and learn,'' answers a New Zealander. When they board the
train
the three Aussies cram into a toilet and soon after the three New

Zealanders cram into another nearby. The train departs.


Shortly afterwards, one of the New Zealanders leaves the toilet and

walks over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding.

He knocks
on the door and says, ''Ticket please.''

A not so rich couple decided to

stay at a very exclusive hotel for a night. The manager immediately

recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out,
instead he
decided to be clever. In the morning the couple came to
settle the bill
and were surprized to find they owe
$3000.

''How's this? We've only been here one night!'' the man was
annoyed.
''So?'', said the manager, ''this is a very expensive hotel. We have
golf
courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and

restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up.''
''But we didn't use
any of these!'' explained the couple.
''If you didn't use - that's
your problem,'' came the reply.

''In that case, you owe me $2000.
You see, my wife is a call girl who
charges $5000 a night, so please
settle your bill,'' said the man.
''What do you mean?'' the manager was
taken off guard, ''I didn't
sleep with your wife!''
''If yo
u didn't use - that's your problem!''

''And will there be
anything
else, sir?'' the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate
dinner
for two.
''No thank you,'' the gentleman replied. ''That will be
all.''

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin
negligee
on the bed. ''Anything for your wife ?'' he asked.
''Yeah!
That's a good idea,'' the fellow said. ''Please bring up a

postcard.''

A traveler became lost in the
Sahara desert. Realizing his
only chance for survival was to find
civilization, he began walking.
Time passed, and he became thirsty. More
time passed, and he began feeling
faint. He was on the verge of
passing out when he spied a tent about
500 meters in front of him.
Barely conscious, he reached the tent and
called out,
''Water...''.

A bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, ''I
am
sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy
a
tie?'' With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken
neckwear.

''You fool,'' gasped the man. ''I'm dying! I need
water!''
''Well, sir,'' replied the bedouin, ''If you really need water, there

is a tent about two kilometers south of here where you can get
some.''

Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to
drag his
parched body the distance to the second tent. With his
last ounce of
strength he tugged at the door of the tent and
collapsed.

Another bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at
the door and
enquired, ''May I help you sir?''
''Water...'' was the
feeble reply.
''Oh, sir,'' replied the bedouin, ''I'm sorry, but you
can't come in
here without a tie!''

''Room Service? Can you send up a
towel?'' ''Please wait, someone
else is using it.''

''Room service? Send up a larger
room.''

A
farmer, who went to a big
city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk
about the time of
meals.

''Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and
supper
from 6 to 8,'' explained the clerk.

''Look here,''
inquired the farmer in surprise, ''when am I going to
get time to see the
city?''

A traveller pulls into a hotel
around
midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk
fills out the
paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous
blonde sitting in the
lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he
disappears into the lobby.
After a minute he comes back, with the girl on
his arm.

''Fancy meeting my wife here,'' he says to the clerk.
''Guess I'll
need a double room for the night.''

Next morning,
he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be
over $3000.
''What's the meaning of this?'' he yells at the clerk.
''I've only
been here one night!''

''Yes,'' says the clerk, ''but your wife has
been here for three
weeks.''

''Look, guide, here are some LION
tracks.''
''Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they
came
from.''

A person checks into a hotel for

the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes
later
he calls the desk and say, ''You've given me a room with no
exit. How
do I leave?''
The desk clerk says, ''Sir, that's absurd.
Have you looked for the
door?''

The person says, '' Well,
there's one door that leads to the bathroom.
There's a second door that
goes into the closet. And there's a door I
haven't tried, but it
has a 'do not disturb' sign on it.''

A tourist was being led through the
swamps of Florida. ''Is it
true,'' he asked, ''that an alligator
won't attack you if you carry a
flashlight?''
''That depends,'' replied
the guide, ''on how fast you carry the
flashlight.''

A man is walking down the street
when he sees a sign in the
window of a travel agency that says
CRUISES - $100. He goes into the
agency and hands the guy $100. The
travel agent then whacks him over the
head with a baseball bat and
throws him in the river.

Another man is walking down the street a
half hour later, sees the sign
and pays the guy $100. The travel agent
then whacks him with the
baseball bat and throws him in the
river.

Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together
and
the first man asks, ''Do you think they'll serve any food on
this
cruise?''
The second man says, ''I don't think so. They
didn't do it last
year.''

Two anthropologists fly
to the
south sea islands to study the natives. They go to two adjacent

islands and set to work. A few months later one of them takes a canoe

over to the other island to see how his colleague is doing. When he
gets
there, he finds the other anthropologist standing among a group
of
natives.

''Greetings! How is it going?'' says the visiting
anthropologist.

''Wonderful!'' says the other, ''I have discovered
an important fact
about the local language! Watch!''

He points
at a palm tree and says, ''what is that?''
The natives, in unison, say
''Umbalo-gong!''
He then points at a rock and says, ''and that?''
The
natives again intone ''Umbalo-gong!''

''You see!'', says the beaming
anthropologist, ''They use the SAME word
for 'rock' and for 'palm
tree'!''
''That is truly amazing!'' says the astonished visiting
anthropologist,
''On the other island, the same word means 'ind
ex finger'!''

In Alaska's National Forests, a

tourists guide was giving a talk to a group of tourists about hiking
in
grizzly bear territory: ''Most bear encounters occur when hikers,
being
extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing wildlife,
accidentally
stumble into bears. The resulting suprise can be
catastrophic.'' To
avoid this, he suggested that each hiker wear tiny bells
on their clothing
to warn the bears of their presence. ''Also,'' he
said further, ''be
especially cautious when you see signs of bears in
the area, especially
when you see bear droppings.''

One
tourist asked, ''How do you identify bear droppings?''

''Oh that's
easy,'' the guide explained, ''its the ones with all the
tiny bells in
them!''