Travel and tourist jokes 

What did the teacher say after
spending thousands in the
expensive hotel?
I'm sorry to leave, now
that I've almost bought the place.

On her
annual visit to another
planet, an old lady turns to the cabin steward
and says. ''I hope
this spaceship doesn't travel faster than sound.
''Why?'' replies the
cabin steward. ''Because my friend and I want to
talk, that's
why.''

The transatlantic liner was

experiencing particularly heavy weather, and Mrs Jones wasn't feeling
well.
''Would you care for some more supper, ma'am?'' asked the
steward.
''No, thanks,'' replied the wretched passenger. ''Just throw it
overboard
to save me the trouble.''

Mrs Jones: Now, remember, children,
travel is very
good for you. It broadens the mind.
Betty,
muttering: If you're anything to go by, that's not all it
broadens!

There was a man staying the night
in a hotel. He called the
front desk and said,
''Excuse me, sir,
I've got a leak in my sink.''
The man at the front desk replied,
''Oh, okay, go ahead, but most
guests just use the toilet.''

A man arrived at a seaside hotel
where he
had made a reservation rather late at night. All the lights
were out, so
he knocked on the door. After a long time a light
appeared in an
upstairs window and a woman called out, ''Who are you?
What do you want?''
''I'm staying here!'' ''Stay there, then,'' she
retorted, and slammed
the window shut!

There was a little old lady from a

small town in America who had to go to Texas. She was amazed at the

size of her hotel and her suite. She went into the huge cafe and
said to
the waitress, who took her order for a cup of coffee, that
she had never
before seen anything as big as the hotel or her suite.
''Everything's
big in Texas ma'am,'' said the waitress. The coffee
came in the
biggest cup the old lady had ever seen. ''I told you,
ma'am, that everything
is big in Texas,'' said the waitress. On her
way back to her suite, the
old lady got lost in the vast corridors.
She opened the door of a
darkened room and fell into an enormous
swimming pool. ''Please!'' she
screamed. ''Don't flush it!''

Teacher: I'd like a room, please.
Hotel
Receptionist: Single, Sir?
Teacher: Yes, but I am
engaged.

An American tourist is
visiting
China. After visiting all the tourist
attractions he decides to
inquire about the people and askes his guide:
''How large is the
population here?''
''Around 1.5 billion'' -- the guide answers
American,
After a short pause: ''So, what else do you do here?''

What
people travel the most?

Romans.

What does a witch get if she's a

poor traveler?
Broom sick.

What steps should you take if you
see a dangerous animal
on your travels?
Very large ones.

An
American touring Spain
stopped at a local restaurant following a day
of sightseeing. While
sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter
being served at the next table. Not only
did
it look good, the
smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, ''What is
that
you
just served?''

The waiter replied, '' Ah senor, you have excellent
taste! Those are
bulls
testicles from the bull fight this
morning. A delicacy!''

The American, though momentarily daunted, said,
''What the hell, I'm
on
vacation! Bring me an order!''

The
waiter replied, ''I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving
per

day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come

early
tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save
you this
delicacy!''

The next morning, the American returned,
placed his order, and then
that
evening he was served the
one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and
inspecting the contents of his platter, he
called
to the waiter
and said, ''These are delicious, but they are much, much
smaller
than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!''

The waiter shrugged his
shoulders and replied, ''Si senor. Sometimes
the
bull wins.''

A Jewish couple, are sitting
together on an airplane
flying to the
Far East. Over the public
address system, the Captain announces:
''Ladies and Gentlemen, I am
afraid I have some very bad news. Our
engines have ceased functioning,
and this plane will be going down
momentarily. Luckily, I see an
island below us that should be able to
accommodate our landing. This
island appears to be uncharted; I am
unable to find it on our maps. So
the odds are that we will never be
rescued and will have to live on
the island for a very long time, if
not
for the rest of our
lives. A few minutes later the plane lands safely
on
the island,
whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, ''Esther, did
we pay our
pledge to the Yeshiva yet?'' No Morris!'' she responded.
Morris smiles,
then asks, ''Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?''
''Oy no, I forgot to
send the check!!'' Now Morris laughs.
''One last thing, Esther.
Did you remember to send our Temple
Building Fund check this
month?'' ''Oy Morris I forgot that one too!''
Now Morris is practically
choking with laughter. Esther asks Morris,
''So what are you smiling and
laughing about?

Morris responds, ''They'll find us.''

Steve is going on an ocean cruise,

and he tells his doctor that
he's worried about getting real
seasick. The doctor tells him,
''Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes
before you leave the dock.''
Steve says, ''Will that keep me from
getting sick?''
The doctor says, ''No, but it'll look real pretty in the
water.''

A businessman
was having a
tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel
bag onto the plane.
Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to
stuff it in the
overhead bin. ''Do you always carry such heavy
luggage?''
she
sighed.
''No more,'' the man said. ''Next time, I'm riding in the bag, and my

partner can buy the ticket!''

A tourist is visiting New York City

when his car breaks down. He jumps out
and starts fiddling
under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears
some thumping sounds
and looks around to see someone taking stuff out
of
his trunk!
He runs around and yells, ''Hey, bud, this is my car!''
''OK,'' the

man says, ''You take the front and I`ll take the back.''

Helpful
advice for
travellers:
If you are going to get on a commercial flight, take a bomb with
you.
BECAUSE: What are the odds of TWO guys being on the SAME PLANE at
the
SAME TIME with a bomb?

A man and a woman who have never
met before
find themselves in the same
sleeping carriage of a
train. After the initial embarrassment, they
both
manage to get to
sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the
lower.
In the
middle of the night the woman leans over and says, ''I'm sorry
to

bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could

possibly
pass me another blanket.''

The man leans out and,
with a glint in his eye, says, ''I've got a
better
idea...
let's pretend we're married.''

''Why not?'' giggles the woman.


''Good,'' he replies. ''Get your own blanket.''

A couple were
being given a
guided tour of Pico da Bandeira,
one of the highest mountains in the
Americas. Their guide
pointed out where a young couple, petrified by
lava, had been
discovered. They had died in the act of making
love.

''How awful !'' exclaimed the wife.

''Si, but what a great
way to spend eternity.'' added the
husband.