Animal Jokes 

|There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.The first cow said, ''I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.''The other cow replies, ''I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks.''

|This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, ''My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam.''She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. ''Did you say that?'' she asks.''Why, yes, I did!'' he replies. ''And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you.''The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, ''You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?''The parrot says, ''Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street.''So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.She says, ''Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!''The parrot says, ''Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry.''Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger.The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak. ''I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!'' As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, ''I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what'd he do, attack you?''

|A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, ''Pardon me. May I help you with something.''The blind man says, ''No thanks. I'm just looking around.''

|There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, ''This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!''The farmer looked puzzled and replied, ''What's time to a pig?''

|A man walks into a bar one day and asks, ''Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?''''Yeah, I do!'' a biker says, standing up. ''What about it?''''Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him...''''What are you talkin' about?!'' the biker says, disbelievingly. ''How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?''''Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!''

|I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.''That's the most amazing thing I've seen,'' I said. ''That dog really seemed to enjoy the film.''The man turned to me and said, ''Yeah, it is. He hated the book.''

|The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. ''I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V.''He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.''Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino.''The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.''Did you do this?'' he asked the centipede.''Yeah, I did.'' the centipede replied.The lion retorted, ''Where were you during the first half?''''I was putting on my shoes.''

|A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, ''I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him.''With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. ''This dog is a special dog,'' he tells her. ''It is able to fly,'' he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.''There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. ''My apple!'' The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket.''He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him,'' she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.''Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!'' she exclaims when she gets back home. ''He can fly!''The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, ''Fly eh? Ha! My foot!''

|A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, ''Who is it?''He replied, ''It's the plumber.''He thought it was the lady who'd said, ''Who is it?'' and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, ''Who is it?''He said, ''It's the plumber!''He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, ''Who is it?''He said, ''It's the plumber!!!!!!!!''Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, ''Who is it?''; ''Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!'' he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, ''A dead body!'' she exclaimed, ''Who is it?!''The parrot said, ''It's the plumber.''

|A preacher is buying a parrot.''Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?'' asked the preacher.''Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot,'' the storekeeper assures him.''Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.''''Wonderful!'' says the preacher, ''but what happens if you pull both strings?''''I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!'' screeched the parrot.

|In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks1. [xxx] is not food.Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom's toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the other cat's vomited food.2. I will not jump on the [xxx].kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5:30 A.M., bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night.3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires.4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return, the tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen counter, dining room table, big people's shoes, bathtub, my Dad's collection of (expensive) Nazi daggers, marble floor (acid vomit+marble=etched marble).5. I will not climb the [xxx].Screen, bulletin board, speaker, curtains, redwood trees, walls, lampposts.6. I will not dunk [xxx] into my water dish.Tissues, my toy mouse, the house plants, half-digested food7. I will not hide [xxx].Pens, curlers, or house keys under the carpet.8. I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist.Belt, fringe on the bathroom rug, fuzzy toilet seat, house plant, human's toes, baby, human, blue jays outside, teddy bear9. [xxx] is not cat food.Chocolate, bananas, pizza, any human food, tea10. [xxx] is not a bed.The stove, the pot (not hot) on the stove, sink, the crystal bowl from the people's wedding, piano strings, Mommy's sock drawer, the inside of the antique radio, the car, the electric organ, the computer keyboard.11. [xxx] is not prey/a toy.The paper coming from the printer; the newspaper; Mummy; open milk cartons; toilet paper; pantyhose; paper clips; human's toes; my human's penis (see ''Robin Williams, Live at the Met''); Christmas tree ornaments; the produce ripening on the kitchen counter; Q-tips; Black Widow spiders; any food, whether wrapped in something or not; the sheets; the computer mouse; Mommy's snow white lace garter from her wedding with the beautiful tasty maribou feathers on it;12. I will not try to climb into the [xxx].Freezer, refrigerator, washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, garage.

|Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.Purrson: A male kitty.Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.

|Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, ''I don't think much of this budgie jumping.''The other moron replies, ''Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either.''

|Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.''I was in that new restaurant across the street,'' said one. ''It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines.'' ''Please,'' said the other roach frowning. ''Not while I'm eating!''

|Having detailed the concept of attitude control, there is another method which you may prefer. For reasons that will become apparent, it is recommended for those pilots whose airplanes have large, easily cleaned cabins. Known as the ''Cat and Duck Method'' of instrument flight, it has received much publicity and is considered to have a great deal of merit by those who have not tried it. No reports have been received from those who did try it, and none are expected. Pilots are invited to assess its merits objectively.Basic rules for the C&D Method of instrument flight are fairly well known and are extremely simple. Here's how it's done:1. Place a live cat on the cockpit floor; because a cat always remains upright. It can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one.2. The duck is used for instrument approach and landing. Because of the fact that any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow it to the ground.There are some limitations to the Cat and Duck Method, but by rigidly adhering to the following checklist, a degree of success will be achieved which will surely startle you, your passengers, and even an occasional tower operator.1. Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all. It may be necessary to carry a large dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention.2. Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a tight snap roll followed by an inverted spin.3. Use old cats only. Young cats have nine lives, but old, used-up cats with only one life left have just as much to lose as you do and will be more dependable.4. Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright, it will refuse to leave without the cat. Ducks are no better in IFR conditions than you are.5. Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks sometimes fail to realize that they are on the gauges and go flogging off in the nearest hill. Very nearsighted ducks will not realize that they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This maneuver is difficult to follow in an airplane.6. Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out and find yourself on final for a rice paddy, particularly if there are duck hunters around. Duck hunters suffer from temporary insanity while sitting in freezing weather in the blinds and will shoot at anything that flies.7. Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese because many water birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction as you.Source:GSP Digest #279 September 16, 1990

|A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, ''I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk.''Bartender: ''Yeah! Sure...go ahead.''Man: ''What covers a house?''Dog: ''Roof!''Man: ''How does sandpaper feel?''Dog: ''Rough!''Man: ''Who was the greatest ball player of all time?''Dog: ''Ruth!''Man: ''Pay up. I told you he could talk.''The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, ''or is the greatest player Mantle?''

|The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said ''No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly.'' ''OK,'' said the judge, ''then you want to live with your mother, right?'' ''No way!'' replied baby bear, ''She beats me worse than Papa bear does.'' The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. ''Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?'' asked the judge. ''Yes,'' answered baby bear, ''my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago.'' ''You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?'' asked the judge. ''Oh definitely,'' said baby bear, ''the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody.''

|A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, ''I can see you, and so can Jesus!''Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.''I can see you, and so can Jesus!''The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, ''I can see you, and so can Jesus!''''So what,'' says the burglar, ''you're only a parrot!''To which the parrot replies, ''Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!''

|This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support and service center. One particular customer had an old console-type machine with a print head that would ride back and forth on a spiral shaft. They also had a big bushy cat who liked to sit on the edge of the printer next to the operator.Well, one day we got a service call that said, ''Cat caught in machine, come quick!''When I arrived I saw everyone sitting around mending their various wounds, scratches and contusions. No sight of the cat. It appears that while they were running the machine the cat was twirling his tail in his usual fashion and stuck it down into the printer at the most inopportune time and got sucked in! Apparently, the cat absolutely freaked out and clawed at everyone who came close. They finally freed the cat, and to this day, the cat goes nowhere near the machine.

|There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.The police chief asks, ''What were the people doing on the bus?''The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.The chief asks, ''Yeah, but what else were they doing?''.The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.The chief says, ''Oh! They were drinking, huh??!'' The chief continues, ''Okay, were they doing anything else?''The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.The chief loses his patience, ''If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?''The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.