Animal Jokes 

A new lieutenent in the French Foreign Legion arrives at an isolated base in Algeria. As a corporal shows him is quarters, he asks the corporal, ''The base is rather isolated, what do the men do for female companionship?''The corporal replies, ''On Fridays, they let us use the camels.''The lieutenent can't beleive it. On Friday, he stands around the camel pen to see what happens. Suddenly, he hears the camp bugler blow a charge on his horn.The ensuing chaos was amazing... men from all over the camp decended on the camel pens like huns attacking a village. Out of the swarm of men, the lieutenent sees the same corporal he met on his first day. He grabs the man by the arm. The corporal shouts, ''Let me go! Let me go!''''Good God man,'' said the lieutenent. ''There are 200 men here and 500 camels. What's your hurry?''The corporal replied, ''I don't want to get stuck with an ugly one!''

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.''Oh, my,'' said the bunny, ''I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.''''It's quite OK,'' replied the snake. ''Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and find out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.''''Oh, that would be wonderful'' replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, ''Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.''''Oh, thank you! Thank you,'' cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, ''Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me.''So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, ''Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone, and no balls. I'd say you must be French''.

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, ''Sir, what's that on your shoulder?''The old farmer said, ''That's my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes.''''I'm sorry sir.'', said the ticket agent, ''We don't allow animals in the theater.''The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.''Marge'', whispered Mildred.''What'', said Marge.''I think this guy next to me is a pervert.'', said Mildred.''What makes you think that'', asked Marge.''He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out'', whispered Mildred.''Well, don't worry about it'', said Marge, ''At our age we've seen them all.''''I thought so'', said Mildred, ''But this one is eating my popcorn.''

A man was driving down a country road one day at 45 miles per hour when suddenly he noticed a 3-legged chicken running at the same speed beside his truck.Though he thought this odd, the man decided to speed up so he wouldn't cause an accident with the chicken.The man sped up to 55 miles per hour, but low and behold, so did the 3-legged chicken. The man then sped up to 65 miles per hour only to again be equaled in speed by the 3-legged chicken. As the man watched in amazement, the chicken suddenly made a sharp left turn and took off down a side road toward a small farm. The man quickly also made the left turn and followed the chicken to the small farm, parking out front. Looking around the man found the farmer around back in the midst of many 3-legged chickens.After greeting the farmer, the man asked him why he was raising 3-legged chickens. ''Well we figure,'' said the farmer, ''that with an average family of 3 people, only 2 can have a chicken leg with an average chicken. But with a three legged chicken, each member of the family can enjoy a chicken leg of their own.'' ''That's pretty wise,'' said the man, who then asked ''Well how do your 3-legged chickens taste?''''I don't know,'' said the farmer. ''We've never been able to catch one.''

Did you know that elephants actually have their sexual organs in their feet?Yup, if one steps on you, you're screwed.

Three animals were having a hugeargument over who was the best.The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had hardly a chance.The second,a lion,based his claim on his strength. No animal in the forest dared to challenge him.The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any animal using his unique arsenal.As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all: hawk, lion, and stinker!

These 2 hunters was hunting one day and this one hunter fainted. The other hunter didn't know what to do, so he called 911. When the person answered the hunter told them that his partner was dead. The person on the other end said calm down and make sure your partner was dead and all of a sudden the person heard a gun shot and the hunter came back on the line and said ok he's dead for sure.

Q:Why didn't the chicken cross the road?A: because he was a ''chicken''.

|Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, ''You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.''The frog says, ''This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?''''No,'' says the psychic. ''Next semester in her biology class.''

|A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, ''Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit...''

|Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who's used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong.What YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so you can hook on a safety clip. The chain is looped about the tiger's neck and acks as a giant choke-chain, but the clip is there to keep a loop of some sort in case things go badly wrong. You carry the chain looped in one hand in a peculiar fashion which permits the whole length of chain to be dragged from your hand without taking your hand and/or arm with it. You practice this beforehand till you're sure you've got it right.Then you go into the cage with the tiger. Your friend does not. You gauge the tiger's mood and put the leash on the tiger. There isn't a whole lot more to say about this step except to say that that is why your friend is there, OUTside the cage. On your side is the fact that the tiger knows what the leash is for by this time and presumably is largely in favor of the idea.This is where you find out that tigers are soft and poofy. They are also much, much larger than you had ever dreamed, when you're standing next to one.Then you take the tiger for a walk. Your friend walks in front with the cane to clear the way. You walk with the tiger at your side, keeping pretty good control and letting the tiger know that you are Paying Attention, because if the tiger thinks you are not Paying Attention, it will do what housecats do, let you know that you should be Paying Attention. Unlike housecats, the tiger is big enough not to have to do anything truly outrageous to rectify the situation. Reaching behind you with one forepaw and sweeping your legs out from under you is generally considered good enough by most tigers. They think this is hilarious. To this extent, tigers differ from housecats in that they seem to have a sense of humor.It is possible that the tiger will see something that it wants. In this case, the tiger will go where it wants to go, and your job is to stop it. This is generally done by wrapping the chain around something that you pass, as the tiger drags you away. This will slow it down enough for your friend to jump on top of you and grab the chain as you go bulleting across the countryside. The weight of two adult humans will generally slow a tiger down enough to make things manageable, whereas one will not.It is not usual for the tiger to react to freedom by turning around and turning you into fajitas, though this would actually (at least in the short term) be an eminently practical thing for the tiger to do. They enjoy their fun but are generally not ill-tempered. If they are they don't get taken for walks.They also purr like a freight train passing. Experts in the field claim that this is not purring, that it means something else, but you couldn't put it by me. Sure sounded like purring, at 16-2/3 RPM, but it sounded like purring.All in all, an experience I highly recommend as a lifetime source of cocktail party conversation, but it sort of tends to leave you limp for the rest of the day.

|Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?A: Because it was a double-crosser.Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?A: To take over the other side.Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?A: To get to the other slide.Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?A: To get to the other tide.Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.

|After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported ''Goony bird'' and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, ''Goony bird! The table!''Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, ''Goony bird! The shelf!''Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.''Wow!'' said the wife, ''If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!'' So she bought the bird and took it home.When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. ''Honey!'' she exclaimed, ''I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!''The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, ''Goony Bird, my foot!''

|Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. ''In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!''Another horse breaks in, ''Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!''''Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!'', says another, flicking his tail.At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. ''I don't mean to boast,'' says the greyhound, ''but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!''The horses are clearly amazed. ''Wow!'' says one, after a hushed silence. ''A talking dog.''

|A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. ''I can hardly believe my eyes!'' he exclaimed. ''That's the smartest dog I've ever seen.''''Nah, he's not so smart,'' the friend replied. ''I've beaten him three games out of five.''

|Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.The first says, ''I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!''The second says, ''Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!''Then the third rat gets up and says, ''Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat.''

|There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted ''240-S''.The dealer asks, ''Why 'S'?''The snail replies, '''S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving.''Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say ''Wow! Look at that S-car go!''

|Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, ''Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood.''''We're new here,'' says the second one. ''It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us.''The first bat replies, ''Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere.'' He flies out of the cave.When he returns, he is covered with blood.The second bat says excitedly, ''Where did you get the blood?''The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, ''See that black building over there?''''Yes,'' the other bat answers.''Well,'' says the first bat, ''I didn't.''

|Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an ''after-hours'' appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, ''I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!''Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, ''You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!''To which the bird replied, ''Killer, get him!!!''

|The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.I had a dog once. I spilled spot remover on him, and now he's gone.I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... ''Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!'' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.