Newest jokes

Men are like government bonds.

They take so
long to mature.

Men are like
mascara.

They usually run
at the first sign of emotion.

Men are
like placemats.

They only show
up when there's food on the table.

A robber was shinning his torch around at some objects. ''Jesus is watching you,'' a voice said ''Huh?, oh well,'' the robber said and continued shinning his torch. ''Jesus is watching you,'' the voice continued. The robber shined his torch to were the voice came from and found a parrot. ''Oh, it's you,'' the robber said. ''I'm just trying to warn you,'' the parrot said. ''Oh, that's nice,'' the robber said, pretending to be scared, ''what's your name?'' ''Moses.'' ''Moses? What kind of idiot would call a parrot Moses?'' ''The same kind of idiot that would call a rottweiler Jesus!''

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, ''Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.''He looks at her and says angrily, ''Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so.''''Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.''To which he replied, ''Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so.''''Fine,'' she says, ''Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break.''''I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps,'' he says. ''Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!''So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. ''Honey, how'd this all get fixed?''She said, ''Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake.''He said, ''So, what kind of cake did you bake him?''She replied, ''Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?''

Do you know why David killed Goliath and then decapitated him? He wanted to get a-head!

Mother Mary held her daughter, 20 minutes under water.Not to save herself from troubles, but just to see the funny bubbles!

One day, two guys were driving
to a
local grocery store to get some food. On the way to the store they

ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed
red.

The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked

at the driver and screamed, ''What the heck are you doing? You're

going to get us killed!''

Then the driver responded, ''Don't
worry, my mother allways drives
like this.''

So later on, the
two guys came to another stoplight and that too was
red. The driver
sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked
at the
driver and said, ''I thought I told you, you're gonna get us
killed!
Would you please stop this nonsense!''

The driver looked at the
passenger and responded, ''I get it! But like
I told already, you my
mother drives like this all the time!''

Again, the two guys ran
into another light. This time in was green. The
driver slammed
on his brakes and stopped the car completely. ''What the
hell are
you doing?'' The passenger screamed. ''This is the third time
you
almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?''

The
driver replied, ''That's my mom's car coming over there!''

A man
walks into an auto parts store
and says ''I'd like a rear view mirror
for my Yugo.''

The man
behind the counter thinks about this for a while, then says
''Yup,
seems like a fair trade to me.''

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the

railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The

inspector puts this question to him: ''What would you do if you
realised that
two trains were heading for each other on the same
track?''
Andy says, ''I would switch the points for one of the
trains.''
''What if the lever broke?'' asked the inspector.
''Then I'd dash down
out of the signal box,'' said Andy, ''and I'd
use the manual lever
over there.''
''What if that had been struck by lightning?''
''Then,''
Andy continues, ''I'd run back into the signal box and phone
the
next signal box.''
''What if the phone was engaged?''
''Well in that
case,'' persevered Andy, ''I'd rush down out of the box
and use the
public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.''
''What if
that was vandalised?''
''Oh well then I'd run into the village and get
my uncle Silas.''
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, ''Why
would you do that?''
Came the answer, ''Because he's never seen a
train crash.''

Five Englishmen
in an Audi Quattro
arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian customer agent stops
them and tells them: ''Itsa illegal to
putta fiva people ina
Quattro.''

''What do you mean it's illegal?'' asked the
Englishmen.

''Quattro means four,'' replies the Italian official.

''Quattro is
just the name of the automobile,'' the Englishmen says

disbelievingly. ''Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5

persons.''

''You can'ta pulla thata one ona me,'' replies the Italian customs

agent.''Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and
you are
therefore breakin'a the law''.

The Englishmen reply
angrily, ''You idiot! Call your supervisor over We
want to speak to
someone with more intelligence!''

''Sorry,'' responds the Italian
official, ''he can'ta come''.''He's a
busy with two guys in a Uno''.

Jewish view on when life begins: There's a big controversyon when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is notconsidered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass

but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the
grass!

Yo
Mama's so fat she sank the
Titanic!

Yo mama's so stupid that she
burned down
the house with a CD burner.

Yo mama's house is so small you
have to
go outside to change your mind.

Yo mama's so stupid, she
ordered a
cheeseburger without the cheese.

The sheriff of a small
town was also the
town's
veterinarian.

One night the phone rang, and his wife
answered. An
agitated voice inquired, ''Is your husband there?''


''Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a
vet?'' the
wife asked.

''Both!'' was the reply. ''We can't get our dog's mouth

open, and there's a burglar in it.''

A policeman had a perfect spot
to watch for
speeders, but wasn't
getting many. Then he discovered the
problem-a 10-year old boy was
standing up the road with a hand painted sign
which read ''RADAR TRAP
AHEAD.'' The officer then found a young
accomplice down the road with
a sign reading ''TIPS'' and a bucket full of
change.

As a female
shopper exited a New York
convenience store, a man grabbed
her purse and ran. The clerk called 911
immediately, and the woman was
able to give them a detailed
description of the snatcher.

Within minutes, the police apprehended the
snatcher. They put him in
the
car and drove back to the store.
The thief was then taken out of the
car
and told to stand there
for a positive ID. To which he replied,
''Yes, officer, that's her.
That's the lady I stole the purse
from.''