Newest jokes

A man comes home and
hears hard breathing
female noises from
inside the aprtment, walks inside to find his
wife on the floor
of the living room naked. Wife yells, ''help, help, I
am having
a heart attack'', the husband runs in the other room to
call the
doctor when one of his kids run up to him and says ''daddy,
daddy,
there is a naked man in the closet'', husband opens the
closet
door and sees his friend Bob. He yells at Bob, ''Bob, god damn
it,
my wife is having a heart attack and here you are trying to scare
the
kids''!!!

A man calls his
family
doctor:

man: Doctor, for the last week my wife has thought that she was a

rabbit.

doctor: Ok, bring her in and I'll try to help.

man:
Fine, but whatever you do, don't cure her.

What is a whale's favorite TV
show?
Flukes of Hazard!

Why don't whales eat sushi very
often?
Of course whales like sushi. It's just those itty-bitty chop
sticks
that keep getting stuck in their teeth.

Why did the whale like the

diver?
Because he had flippers!

What kind of whale flies?
Pilot
whales!

Why did the gray whale go on a
diet?
Because he wasn't a Fin whale!

A man decided that he was going to ride a
10-speed bike
from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon
City before the
mountains justbecame too much and he could go no
farther. He stuck his
thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a
single person to stop.
Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and
offered him a ride. Of
course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car.
The owner of the Corvette found a
piece of rope lying by the highway
and tied it to his bumper.

He tied the other end to the bike and
told the man that if he was going
too fast, to honk the horn on his
bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the
first 30 miles.

Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be
outdone, the
Corvette pulling the biketook off after the other. A
short distance down the
road, the Corvettes, both going well over
120 mph, blew through a speed
trap. The police officer noted t
he speeds from his radar gun and
radioed to the other officer that
he had two Corvettes headed his way at over
120 mph.

He then
relayed, ''...and you're not going to believe this, there is a
guy
on a bike honking his horn trying to pass....

Yo mama's so stupid she can't pass a blood

test.

Yo mama's so fat, when she turns around they
throw her a
welcome back party.

Yo mamma's so fat she needs a watch on both
arms
because she covers two time zones.

After seeing a
documentary on how
inner city youths can remove
the wheels of cars in under 4 seconds
with no specialist
equipment, the McLaren team decided to fire their
pit crew and
hire four of the youths as most races can be won or lost
in the
pit lane.

The first race came along and the car came
into the pits. The
youths went to work but the McLaren team boss
noticed a real
problem.

Not only had the youths replaced all four
wheels within four
seconds, but within 10 seconds, they'd
re-sprayed and
re-numbered the car and sold it to the Ferrari Team!

In a very small alley two trucks

driving in opposite directions meet.

As the drivers are equally
stubborn, neither of them wants to reverse.

They angrily look one
at the other.

Finally, one of them picks up a newspaper and
starts reading.

The other one politely asks, ''When you've finished
the paper, will
you please bring it over, and let me read it?''

Big Ron
was caught speeding on his way to
the City Ground today.
''I'll do anything for 3 points'', he said when
questioned.

What is a dog's favourite food ?
Anything that
is on your plate !

What is a dog's favourite sport ?
Formula 1
drooling !

What do dogs have that
no other animal has
?
Puppy dogs !

What do you call an alcoholic dog ?
A whino
!

When is the
most likely time that a stray dog
will walk into your house ?
When the door is open !

Men are like bike
helmets.

They are
handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look
silly.