Newest jokes

The latest news is, that Bill Clinton has bought a new cigar holder. Unfortunately, due to security reasons, they can't tell us her name!

One bright sunny day, a beautiful blonde girl was cruising the countryside in her new, shiny red sports car. Suddenly, she jammed on the brakes, and she brought the car to a sideways, screeching halt. She quickly jumped out of the car, and ran up the road a little way, to where she began fuming in anger.For there, about 40 feet in front of her, in the middle of the road, were two other beautiful young blondes, sitting in a rowboat. One was on the middle seat, straining her arms and pulling for all she was worth on a set of oars, while the other was in the bow of the boat shouting through a megaphone, ''Stroke! Stroke!''So infuriated was the first blonde at these two and their foolishness, that she began pacing back forth on the pavement, throwing gravel and dirt at them from her place on the road, and she screamed at the top of her lungs, ''You two are so stupid, and if I could swim, I'd come out there and kick both your behinds!!''

How do you know a blonde's been at your computer? The joystick's wet.How else do you know a blonde's been at your computer? There's white out on the screen.How do you know she's been back? There's writing on the white out.What do a turtle and a blonde have in common? Once they're on their backs, they're fucked!...but at least the turtle tries to get back up!

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is

a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking
her
out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.


Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its
socket
towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of
the air,
and hands it back.

''Oh my, I am so sorry,'' the
woman says as she pops her eye back in
place. ''Let me buy you dessert
to make it up to you.''

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together,
and afterwards, the woman
invites him to the theater followed by
drinks. After paying for everything,
she asks him if he would like to
come to her place and stay for
breakfast the next morning.


The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The

guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! ''You know,'' he said,

''you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy
you meet?''

''No,'' she replies, ''you just happened to catch my
eye.''

An old farmer is driving down a country road in his pickup truck whenit starts making an awful noise. He stops the truck and crawlsunderneath to investigate the problem.''Hmmm...muffler's loose. I bet I could fix that if I had a MonkeyWrench.'' He says.He crawls out from underneath the truck and looks down the road. Offin the distance he sees a small house. There is a black woman andseveral small black children playing in the yard.The Farmer yells to her ''Hey Miss, do you happen to have MonkeyWrench?''''What?'' She yells back.''A Monkey Wrench!!?'' He screams.''What?''''MONKEY WRENCH!!?...MONKEY WRENCH!!?''''Naw, this ain't no Monkey Ranch, its a Day Care Center!''

How many Serbs does in take to change a Lighbulb?It doesn't matter..Theres a Blackout!

A ventriloquist working down South, is confronted by atheater patron during his show. The hick stands up andyells, ''HEY YOU! ON STAGE! You been making smart-assremarks about us southerners being stupid all night long!We're not all stupid ya know!''''Relax,'' said the ventriloquist, ''They're just jokes!''''Shut up, buddy,'' the hick replied, ''I'm talking to thatlittle bastard sitting on your knee!''

Q: How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry? A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top, she's old enough.If it isn't, cut the barrel down a bit.

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.So, he hired a famous Chinese detective,Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report anyactivities that might develop. A few days later,he received this report: Most honorable sir: You leave house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree-look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. Fall out of tree, not see. No Fee.Sent by Marina

What's a bees favourite flower ?
A
bee-gonias !

How do we know that insects are so clever
?
Because they always know when your eating outside !

First Caribou: Which bug gobbles up

trash?
Second Caribou: The litterbug.

A carpet-layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost hiscigarettes.In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. ''Nosense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' hesaid to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer andflattened the hump.As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said,handing him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet. ''

A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road.A woman was driving down the same road. As they passed each other, the woman leaned out thewindow and yelled, ''Pig!'' The man immediately leaned out his window and replied,''Bitch!'' They continue on their way and as the man rounded thenext corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of theroad.

A cowboy along with his horse and dog are captured late oneafternoon by hostile Indians. This presents no problem for thehorse as the Indians can always use another pony. The dog'sfate is some what tenuous but it is certain that the cowboy willbe burned at the stake the following sunrise. That evening theIndian chief tells the cowboy that he can have one last wish,within reason, before meeting his ultimate fate the thefollowing morning. The cowboy tells the chief that his lastrequest is to see his faithful dog, Rex. When the dog is broughtby the Indians the cowboy strokes and pets his companion andwhispers something into his ear. At once the dog bounds and runsthrough the Indian village and over the hill. This does notparticularly distress the Indians as they didn't really know whatto do with the dog anyway.At about 8 o'clock that evening the dog returns accompanied bysome two dozen hookers from the closest town. Needless to say thebraves were delighted at the prospect of an evening's entertainment.As the orgy wore on through the night, the chief told the cowboythat his stake burning was being postponed as they were all tootired from partying.The next day, the chief said to the cowboy, ''in gratitude forfurnishing the ladies last night, I'm going to grant you anotherrequest before you are burned at the stake in the morning.'' Againthe cowboy requests to see his faithful dog. When the dog isbrought forth the cowboy again strokes and pets his companionand whispers into his ear, ''this may be my last chance Rex, soplease get it right this time --- go to town and get the posse!''

A man and a woman are on an elevator at the top of theworld's tallest building, when all of a sudden, the cablesnaps and the elevator starts plummeting to the ground. The emergency brakes don't work, the emergency phonedoesn't work, and they both begin to panic. The woman screams ''We're going to die!'', rips of all herclothes, throws herself on the floor and says to the man''make me feel like a woman again!'' So, he pulls off his jacket, throws it on the floor, andsays ''pick that up, bitch.''

It seems that Abe and Morey, two salesmen for an advertising agency,were traveling together through the midwest, when they were caughtbetween towns during a driving snow storm.The further they went, the worse conditions got, and they finallyslid off into a ditch. Fortunately there was a house quite nearby.They waded through the drifts to the house, and after a shortconversation with the lady who answered the door, they were able toconvince her that they were no danger to her, and she let them come in.She prepared a meal for them, and during the conversation Abe andMorey learned that she was a widow of a few years standing.Conditions continued to deteriorate, and she prepared the guest roomfor Abe and Morey.The next day about 10:00 AM, a snowplow came through and helpfullypulled the salesmen's car our of the ditch, after cleaning the road.Abe and Morey thanked th widow Brown and went on their rounds.Nine months later, Abe called Morey, and asked if Morey had, by somechance, happened to have drifted down the hall to the wodow Brown'sbedroom after he (Abe) had gone to sleep. After a little hemming andhawing, Morey admitted he had. With a little further prodding, headmitted that he had given the good lady Abe's name, address and phonenumber as his own.Where upon Abe said, ''That explains this letter from her lawyer sayingshe has left her entire estate to me!''

Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for
men who
are married.

Every month the centerfold is the
exact same woman.

After she woke
up, a woman told her
husband, ''I just dreamed
that you gave me a pearl necklace for
Valentine's day. What
do you think it means?''

''You'll know tonight.''
he said.

That evening, the man came home with a package and gave
it to
his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book
entitled
''The meaning of dreams''

A guy is dating three women and can't decide

which one to marry. He gives each $1,000 to see how well they can

manage money. The first one spends $800 and puts $200 in the bank.
The
second one spends $200 and puts $800 in the bank. The third one
puts the
whole $1,000 in the bank. Which one does he end up
marrying? The most
beautiful one..