Newest jokes

Teacher: What family does the octopus belong

to?
Pupil: Nobody I know!

How
many cops does it take to change light
bulb?
Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
Only
one, but he has to see an officer do it first.
Three, one to do it,
one to direct traffic and one to say ''Show's
over, nothing left to
see here, folks, move along.''

How many LA cops does it take to change light
bulb?
Six. One to do it and five to smash the old bulb to
splinters.

How many cops does it take to
throw a man
down the stairs?
None. He fell.

Yo mamma's so fat she had her ears

pierced by harpoon.

yo mama so nasty... cows with mad cow disease
run
from her..

''You and your husband
don't seem to have
an awful lot in
common,'' said the new tenant's neighbor. ''Why on
earth
did you get married?''

''I suppose it was the old business
of 'opposites attract',''
was the reply. ''He wasn't pregnant and I
was.''

A wife was
berating her husband. He
motioned for her to quiet
down saying, ''Don't unleash the beast in
me.''

The wife snickered and replied, ''Unlike a lot of women,
'dear',
I'm not the least bit afraid of a mouse.''

A bum asks a man for $2.
The man asked,
''Will you buy booze?''
The bum said, ''No.''
The man asked, ''Will you
gamble it away?''
The bum said, ''No.''
Then the man asked, ''Will
you come home with me so my wife can
see what happens to a man who
doesn't drink or gamble?''

An old man and woman were married for

years even though
they hated each other. When they had a
confrontation,
screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A

constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the
man the
most. ''When I die I will dig my way up and out of the
grave to come
back and haunt you for the rest of your life!''

They believed he
practiced black magic and was responsible
for missing cats and
dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He
was feared and enjoyed the
respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances
and the funeral
had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife
went straight to
the local bar and began to party as if there was no
tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while
her
neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are

you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who
practic
ed black magic and stated when he died he would dig
his way up and
out of the grave to come back and haunt you for
the rest of your
life?

The wife put down her drink and said...''let the old bastard
dig.
I had him buried upside down.''

This man was sitting quietly reading his
paper one
morning, peacefully
enjoying himself,
when his wife
sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his
head with a
huge
frying pan.
Man: ''What was that for?''
Wife: ''What was that
piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Marylou written
on
it?''
Man: ''Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the
horse races?
Marylou was
the name of one of the horses I bet
on.''
The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the
house.
Three days later he is
once again sitting in his chair reading and
she repeats the frying pan
swatting.
Man: ''What the hell was that
for this time?''
Wife: ''Your horse called.''

Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my

questions?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point
in me being
here!

Little Monster: I hate my teacher.
Mother
Monster: Well just eat your salad up then dear!

Why do dogs bury bones in
the ground
?
Because you can't bury them in trees !

What happened when the dog went to the flea circus

?
He stole the show !

What do you get if you cross a dog with Concorde

?
A jet setter !

What is the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies? 'Hey y'all... Watch this!'

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man. She asks: ''You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?''The old man replies, ''I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth.''The journalist is amazed. ''How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?'' she asks.The old man looks at her sadly. ''Like I'm talking to a wall.''

With a puzzled look on his face an Indian boy asked,''Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?'' She told him, ''Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.'' Then he asked, ''Why is my sister named Cornflower?'' She replied, ''Well, your father and I were in a cornfield whenwe made her.'' ''And why is my other sister called Moonchild?'' ''We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.'',She explained. The Mother Indian paused for a moment thenasked her son, ''Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?''

A police officer stopped a young man for
speeding. He stepped out
of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and
swaggered up to the
young man's window. ''What chew driving so fast
for boy? You going to a
fahhr? Let me see your license, boy.'' The
young man handed over his
license.
Then the officer noticed that
the back seat of the car was full of
large knives. The officer
said, ''Tell me boy, why you got them knives on
that there back seat?''
The young man replied, ''Well sir, I'm a
juggler.'' The officer spat
some tobacco juice and then he said, ''A juggler;
well you don't
say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you
going to
jail!''

The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail.
He
offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of

demonstration. He said, ''You can even hold me at gunpoint while I
juggle for
you.'' The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove
his point while he held
him at gunpoint.

Two miles down the
road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up
with Jerry Lee
Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty
pickup
truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the
right
side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable
sight
of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the

number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee.

When
Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, ''Whatever you do when

you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police

are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!''