Newest jokes

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brandnew tennis ball. Seeing no one around that it might belongto, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing,waiting for the lights to change.A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.''What's that?'' she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.''Tennis ball,'' came the breathless reply.''Oh,'' said the girl sympathetically, ''that must be painful. Ihad tennis elbow once.''

A new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat.They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from theRussians before the new government kicked them out. ''The Russians builtus a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus, we learned to drinkvodka and play Russian roulette.''The American frowned. ''Russian roulette's not a very nice game.'' Thediplomat smiled. ''That's why we developed African roulette. If youwant to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play.''I'll show you how.''He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later, six magnificently built, nudewomen were ushered in. ''You can choose any one of those women to giveyou oral sex,'' he told the American.''That's great,'' the ambassador said, ''but it doesn't seem much likeRussian roulette.''''Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal.''

You know the
honeymoon is pretty much
over when you start to go out with the boys on
Wednesday nites, and so
does she.

A henpecked husband was advised by a

psychiatrist to assert
himself. ''You don't have to let your wife bully
you,'' he said. ''Go
home and show her you're the boss.''

The
husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went
home, slammed
the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and
growled, ''From
now on you're taking orders from me. I want my
supper right now, and
when you get it on the table, go upstairs
and lay out my clothes.
Tonight I am going out with the boys.
You are going to stay at home
where you belong. Another
thing, you know who is going to tie my
bow tie?''

''I certainly do,'' said his wife calmly, ''the
undertaker.''

We have a young married couple in the

neighborhood who are truly
inseparable. Last week, it took four Howard
County Policemen and a
dog.

But let's get real here guys, I mean who
exactly are we kidding
? A
husband controls his wife in much the
same manner as a barometer
controls the weather.

There were three guys in a bar. Two are
talking
about the amount of control they have over their wives. The
third remains
silent. After a while, one of the first two turned to the
third and sez
''Well... What about you, what sort of control do you
have over your
wife ?'' ''Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my
wife came to me on
her hands and knees.'' he bragged and took
another sip of beer.

His friends were amazed ! ''What happened then ?''
they asked, almost
in
unison.

''Well, then she said, 'Get
the hell out from under that bed and fight
like a man !' '' he
admitted.

Kids: ''Hello Miss Saunders, can Johnny come out to play?'' Mother: ''I am sorry kids but you know Johnny has leprosy,'' Kids: ''Well, then can we come in and watch him rot?''

Q. What is Black and White and Red all over?A. A Newspaper

Why do elephants live in herds?To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.

How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him ''lunch''.

What do you do when an elephant comes through the window?Swim for it...

What has two grey legs and two brown legs?An elephant with diarrhea.What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?Lots of room!

A jealous husband hires a private detective
to check up
on his wife. The husband tells the
detective, he
wants both a written account and as many videos of her in
any kind of

compromising situations as the man can get.

Two weeks later
the detective calls the man and tells him he has all
the evidence
he needs.
They make an appointment for a meeting. The two of them
are sitting
there watching the videos.
The man sees his wife
meeting another man, then the two of them are
walking in the park

laughing. Another series shows her with a different man laughing and

dancing. All together, he
watches a dozen or so different
activities, each with a different man,
each time both she and
the man
are sharing obvious utter glee.

''Amazing,'' said the shocked
husband, ''simply amazing ! I just can't
believe it.''

''What can't
you believe ?'' asked the detective, ''It's all right
there for
you to see, plus I
have all the times and dates in my
log.''

''I know, I know!'' said the man, still in shock, ''I just can't

believe my wife could be that
much fun.''

I've got trouble with the wife again - she

came into the bar
looking for me and I asked for her number.

Not that my wife's the
jealous type or
anything, but one day at work, I had taken this
temp who was filling
in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an
outstanding job

on a very difficult project. As luck would have it, there was my wife

waiting in the
office for my return. The temp, who was truly a
ravishing beauty said,
''Oh, Mrs. Moore,
I'm so happy to meet
you. I'm your husband's new secretary.''

Within a single heart
beat my wife quietly intoned, ''OH ? Really ?
Were you ???''

A recent study showed that the average
husband
only actually speaks to
his wife about thirty-seven minutes
each week.

Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long
does it take to
say ''Uh-huh'' or ''Yes dear'' or ''I'm sorry'' ?

Who writes books for little bees ?
Bee-trix
Potter !

What
did the bee say to the naughty bee
?
Bee-hive yourself !

Did you hear about the cross eyed

teacher?
He couldn't control his pupils!