Newest jokes

Q: What is the difference between a hog
and
a man?
A: A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all
night just so
he can f*** some pig.

What is a buttress?
A female
goat.

For Chocolate Lovers:If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you?If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?Money talks. Chocolate sings.Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit.If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.Put ''eat chocolate'' at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

TOP TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A BAD CHURCH10. The church bus has gun racks.9. The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor.8. The Bible they use is the ''Dr. Seuss Version.''7. There's an ATM in the lobby.6. Choir wears leather robes.5. Worship services are B.Y.O.S. -- ''Bring Your Own Snake.''4. No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.3. Karaoke Worship Time.2. Ushers ask, ''Smoking or Non-smoking?''1. The only song the organist knows is ''In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.''

What's a Jewish American Princess's idea of kinky sex? She moves.

The three survivors of the shipwreck were being driven mad by hunger.The Irishman, an expert navigator, told the others that if they couldrow the lifeboat for three more days they could make landfall.The Pole, the ship's doctor, said that they could not possibly lastthat long, that there was only one solution to the problem and thatone of them would have to sacrifice themselves for the good of the others.The Englishman, the captain, said that he quite understood and that hewould volunteer as he should have gone down with the ship anyway.After saying an emotional farewell to his crewmen, the captain jumpedoverboard and sank without trace.

What's the difference between a black and a white fairy tale?A white one starts off with ''Once upon a time...''.A black one starts off with ''Yo ass ain't gonna believe dis shit...''

Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, ''Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?''Tony says, ''No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?''He says, ''Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of-a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen.''A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says. ''Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?''Tony says, ''No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?''He says, ''Hah! Abaham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen.''A guy in the back of the shop yells, ''Yo, Giuseppi . . . you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?''He says, ''No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo is?''The guy yells, ''That's the guy who's bangin' your wife while you're in night school.''

Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook ElephantThe English book - Elephants I have shot on SafariThe Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better ElephantsThe Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper ElephantsThe Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of MoneyThe Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish PeopleThe German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.The Icelandic book - Defrosting an ElephantThe Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His ElephantsThe Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.

Yo moma is so old she knew the Great Wall of

China when it was just ok

Your Momma's so black she got counted

absent at night school.

your mama so fat that when she wanted a water

bed, they had to put a cover over the Atlantica Ocean.

A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hillin the Highlands. They had been silent for a while; then the lasssaid, ''A penny for your thoughts.'' The lad was a bit abashed, buthe finally said, ''Well, I was thinkin' how nice it would be ifye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss.'' So she did so. But he againlapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lassto ask him, ''What arre ye thinkin' now?'' To which the lad replied: ''Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!''

What's the definition of a Jewish nyphomaniac? One that screws when she's just had her hair done.

What's yellow, has wheels and lies on its

back?
A dead school bus!

Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at

Fred's test paper.
Pupil: I hope you didn't see me either!

Why did the teacher
wear
sunglasses?
Because his class was so bright!

Why was the headmaster
worried?
Because
there were too many rulers in school!

''When you exit the bus, please
be
sure to lower your head and watch your step.''

''If you miss your
step and hit your head, please lower your voice and
watch your
language. Thank you.''

''Dad, can i ask you something?'' ''Sure! What about?'' ''You see, I'm already fourteen and...I think it's just proper that i should own one.'' ''And what is this 'one' you're referring to?'' ''Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?'' ''No.'' ''My nipples are already prominent and it catches attention.'' ''Nope.'' ''It will be just proper at my age...'' ''I said no way...!'' ''But all of my friends wears.......!'' ''David! How many times shall i tell you that bras are for girls!?''