Newest jokes

What is the difference between Father Christmas
and
a warm dog ?
Father Christmas wears a whole suit, a dog just
pants!

Q: Why do men find it
difficult to make eye
contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

What is the difference
between an elephant
and a flea?
An elephant can have fleas but a flea can't have
elephants !

What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?An elephant is grey.What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?''Look! A herd of plums in the distance'' (Jane is colorblind)

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?''Look, a herd of elephants in the distance''What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglassesin the distance?Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?''Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!''

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the sheer dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and flirt w/the ape. She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he's just about to tear the bars down. The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in w/the gorilla and says, ''Now, tell him you have a headache.''

Hungry Snake Having arived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then hehappened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beerdown his throat and went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. ''Is this the vet?'' asked an elderly lady's voice.''Yes, it is'', replied the vet, ''Is this an emergency?''''Well, sort of'', said the elderly lady, ''there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?'' There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied ''Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone''''Really?'' said the elderly lady, ''Will that will that stop them?''''Should do,'' said the vet, ''- IT STOPPED ME!''

yo mama so fat,
when she dive into the
ocean, there is a tsunami warning out!!

yo mama
so fat she sat on a tractor and
made it a pick-up truck.

yo mama so fat when she get on da elevator it

says next stop hell

yo momma so fat the back of her neck is like
a
pack of hot dogs

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident

- body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces
are
and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: ''Head on

bullevard'' and scratchs out his spelling error. ''Head on bouelevard''
Nope,
doesn't look right - scratch scratch. ''Head on boolevard...''
dang it!
Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is
looking at him
as he kicks the head. ''Head on curb.''

A man pulls up to the curb and asks the
policeman, ''Can I park here?''
''No,'' says the cop.
''What about all these
other cars?''
''They didn't ask!''

When Mike got arrested, they told him,
''Anything you say will be held
against you.''

Mike said, ''Claudia
Schiffer's breasts.''

While the pope was
visiting the USA, he
told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge
to drive. The
driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream
of
questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel,
while his
driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the road doing
between 70 and 80 mph, when a
policeman happened to see them. As he
pulled them over, he called in to
headquarters reporting a speeding
limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: ''Who is in the limo,
the mayor?''
The policeman told him: ''No, someone more important than
the mayor.''

Then the chief asked ''Is it the governor?''
The
policeman answered: ''No, someone more important than the

governor.''

The chief finally asked: ''Is it the President?''
The policeman
answered: ''No, someone even more important than the

President.''

This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: ''Now who is m
ore
important than the President?!''
The policeman calmly
wispered: ''I'll put it to you this way chief. I
don't know who is this
guy, but he has the pope as his
chauffeur.''

I went to
the store the other day. I was
only in there for about five minutes,
and when I came out there was a
motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and
said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a

break?'



He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a

stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for
having
bald tires!



Then I really got angry at him.
He finished the second ticket and put
it on the car with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket!



This went on for
about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the
corner.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves andengage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind themignores their conversation at first, but her attention isgalvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following;''Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together.I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come againand pee twice. Denna I come once-a more.''''You fowl-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''Inthis country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man, ''Imma justa tellun myfriend howa to spella Mississippi.''

Q: What is the one thing you will never hear a

man say? A: Her tits are just too big.

Men are like cement.
After getting laid, they
take a long time to get hard.