Newest jokes

Q: What is the difference between
medium and
rare?
A: 6 inches is medium, 8 inches is rare.

Why do dogs wag their
tails ?
''Because no
one else will do it for them !''

What happened to the
dog that ate nothing but
garlic ?
His bark was much worse than it's bite !

Teacher: Didn't you hear me call

you?
Pupil: But you said not to answer you back!

Teacher: This is the third time I've had to

tell you off this week, what have you got to say about
that?
Pupil: Thank heavens it's Friday!

Mother: What did you learn in school
today
Son: How to write
Mother: What did you write?
Son: I don't know,
they haven't taught us how to read yet!

Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in hisleft eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headacheand asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hourlater Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.''I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms.''''Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you evertried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?''

This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, ''Ballroomplease.'' A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, ''I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you.''

Well the King's daughter was into her mid twenties,and the king didn't want his princess to be an old maid.The princess wasn't the most beautiful of women, andwasn't having any luck finding a suitable husband. TheKing finally decided to take matters into his own hand.He had flyers printed up and posted all over the kingdom,''who so ever wishes to marry the princess should appear at thecastle at noon, the following Sunday.''Only three suitors arrived at the castle. The king decidedto have a test to determine who would get his daughter's hand.Each suitor would have to climb the castle wall, swim the moat,and then have sex with one of the castle's cows. The first suitor didn't even make it over the wall.The second suitor made it over the wall, but couldn't swim the moat.The third suitor, climbed the wall, swam the moat, fucked the cow,and wasn't even tired.The king went up to him, and said ''Congratulations, you are the onlyone worthy enough to marry my daughter.''And the suitor replied, ''Forget your daughter, I want your cow!''

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks 'Do you do custom work?'Why of course!'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of myright thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside ofmy left thigh.'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and getup on the table.'After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes.The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and Ican prove it.' With that, he runs out of the shopand grabs the first man off the street he can find;it happens to be the town drunk.'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreadingher legs. 'Do you know who these men are?'The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutesand says. 'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are,but the fellow in the middle is definately Willie Nelson!'

A man walked into the bar and there was a gorillasitting on a barstool.The man asked the bartender what the gorilla wasdoing in the bar so the bartender showed him. Hetook out a bat and hit the gorilla over the headwith it. The animal instantly dropped down andgave the bartender blow job.The Bartender then asked the man if he would liketo try it.The man said ''Sure, but please don't hit me quiteso hard''.

How do you get a one-armed nufie out of a tree? Wave!How do you get a two-armed nufie out of a tree? Wave both hands!

How To Give Your Cat a Pill 1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, ''That's a nice kitty.'' Drop pill into its mouth.2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in -- quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here, anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, ''Who's the boss here, anyway?'' Open cat's mouth, take pill and ... Ooooops!9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man -- or woman.15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

Why did the poor dog chase his own tail ?
He
was trying to make both ends meet !

What did the angry man sing
when he found his
slippers chewed up by the new puppy ?
''I must throw that doggie out
the window !''!

Returning from her vacation, the
young
secretary was telling anyone
who would listen about what a fun time
she had. She then asked for two
weeks leave in which to get
married.

''But you just had two weeks off,'' said the boss. ''Why didn't you

get
married then ?''

''What and ruin my vacation ?'' she
whined.

Following a bitter divorce a husband saw his
wife at a
party and
sneered, ''You know, I was a fool when I
married you.''

The wife simply sighed and replied, ''Yes, dear, I
know, but I was in
love and didn't really notice.''

Did you hear about the
boy who was
told to do 100 lines?
He drew 100 cats on the paper.
He thought
the teacher had said lions.

There was once a puppy called
May
who loved to pick quarrels with animals who were bigger than she

was. One day she argued with a lion. The next day was the first of June.

Why ? Because that was the end of May!

What happened to the lizard in the

wizard's garden pond?
He had him newt-ered.