Newest jokes

Three college roommates -- two females and a male -- beganto argue after dinner about whose turn it was to do the dishes.''All right,'' one of the girls said, ''the first one to speak has todo them.''The trio retired to the living room to watch TV. When theirneighbor, a school football star, came by, the three remainedsilent. The visitor shrugged and led one of the girls into herbedroom.Forty-five minutes later, the young man emerged andapproached the second girl. Through sign language, theyagreed to adjourn to her bedroom.When he came out, he began to fix himself a cup of tea butburned his fingers on the stove.''Hey, where's some petroleum jelly?'' he hollered from thekitchen.''Oh, hell!'' the male roommate said, jumping up. ''I'll do thedishes.''

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day whena young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered hisbutcher shop and confronted him with the news that thebaby was his and asked what was he going to do aboutit?Finally he offered to provide her with free meat untilthe boy was 16. She agreed.He had been counting the years off on his calendar,and one day the teenager who had been collecting themeat each week, came into the shop and said, ''I'll be 16 tomorrow.''''I know,'' said the butcher with a smile, ''I've beencounting too, tell your mother, when you take thisparcel of meat home, that it is the last free meatshe'll get, and watch the expression on her face.''When the boy arrived home he told his mother. Thewoman nodded and said, ''Son, go back to the butcherand tell him I have also had free bread, free milk,and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch theexpression on HIS face!''

What do you get if you take a really big dog out

for a walk ?
A Great Dane out !

What did the cowboy say when the bear ate
Lassie?
''Well, doggone !''

Who is the dogs favourite comedian ?
Growlcho
Marx !

What is the dogs
favourite city ?
New
Yorkie !

yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to
watch 60 seconds.

There was a guy sitting at a bar having a beer.Up walks a so called ''lady of the night''. Shesays, ''For $300.00, I'll do anything you want.''Our fine lad thinks for a moment then says:Ok. Paint my house, bitch!

A guy was attending a masquerade Halloween Ball, and dancing with a girl who was wearing a map of Texas for a costume. Suddenly she slapped him hard and stalked off the dance floor.''What the hell happened?'' asked a friend who had witnessed the entire event.''I'm not really sure.'' the man replied, rubbing his red cheek. ''When she asked if I had ever been to Texas, I put my finger on Amarillo to show her, and she let me have it.''

One woodworm met another. ''How's life?'' she

asked.
''Oh, same as usual,'' he replied, ''boring.''

Q: What did one flea say to the other flea

when they came out of the movies? - A: Should we walk home or take a

dog?

What happened to the man who turned into an
insect ?
He just beetled off !

What do you get when you cross a bell with a

bee?
A humdinger.

After the third day of a really torrid

honeymoon, the young couple finally emerged from their room and walked
into
the hotel restaurant. After they were seated, the waiter came
over to
get their orders. The new husband looked at his bride and
said, ''You
know what I really feel like honey ?'' ''Well sure,'' she
blushed, ''But
we gotta eat sometime !''

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy

traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

A driver tucked this note under the

windshield wiper of his automobile. ''I've circled the block for 20
minutes.
I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll
lose my
job. Forgive us our trespasses.''

When he came back
he found a parking ticket and this note: ''I've
circled the block
for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll
lose my job.
Lead us not into temptation.''

What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear ?
A
petticoat !

What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a
rose?
A collie-flower !

What kind of meat do you give a stupid dog
?
Chump chops !

A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a

stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce.

He rolled down his window and
shouted to the driver of the Rolls.
''Hey, buddy, that's a nice
car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a
phone in my Yugo!''


The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, ''Yes, I
have
a phone.''

The driver of the Yugo said, ''Cool! Hey, you
also got a fridge in
there, too? I've got one in the back seat of
my Yugo!''

The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, ''Yes, I
have a
refrigerator.''

The driver of the Yugo said, ''That's
great, man! Hey, you got a TV in
there? You know, I got a TV in the
back seat of my Yugo!''

The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated
by now, replied, ''Of course,
I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is
the finest luxury car in the
world!''

The driver of the Yugo
said, ''Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed
in there? I
got a bed in the back of my Yugo!''

The driver of the Rolls,
upset that he did not have a bed, sped away
and went straight to the
dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be
installed in the back
of his Rolls-Royce.

The next morning, he returned to pick up
his car, and the bed looked
superb It came complete with silk sheets
and a brass-trimmed headboard.
It was clearly a bed fit for a
Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls
began searching for the Yugo. He
drove around all day and finally found
the Yugo late that night.


It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He
got
out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn't
any
answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the
owner of the
Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head
out.

''I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,'' the
driver of the
Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of th
e Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, ''You got me
out of the
shower to tell me that?!?!''