Newest jokes

What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers ?
A bud
hound !

What do you call a nutty dog in Australia ?
A
dingo-ling !

yo
mama's teeth are so yellow that when
she smiles traffic slows down.

Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a

toilet have in common?
A: Men usually miss all three.

Q: How is a penis like
fishing?
A: The
small ones you throw back, the medium ones you eat, and the
larger
ones you mount.

Why was the young kangaroo thrown out
by his mother?
For smoking in bed.

What would you get if you crossed a
grizzly with
the world's greatest basketball player?
Bear
Jordan.

What are the most athletic
rodents?
Track and field mice.

Q. Why did Mrs. Smokey the Bear divorce

Smokey the Bear?
A. Because every time she got hot, he'd beat
her with a shovel!

Q:
What did the emu say to the
nurse?
A: Mend her bones or walk the plank

First Caribou: What do
you call a bee that
can't make up his mind?
Second Caribou: A maybee.

What's a bee-line ?
The shortest distance
between two buzz-stops !

What is the biggest ant in the world ?
An
elephant !

An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
your homework?
Pupil: Our furnace stopped working and we had to burn
it to stop
ourselves from freezing

Bad timing for an excuse Teacher: Why
were
you late?
Pupil: Sorry, teacher, I overslept.
Teacher: It's
three in the afternoon!

An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
your homework?
Pupil: Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so
they could study how
the human brain worked

An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
your homework?
Pupil: I loaned it to a friend, but he suddenly moved
away

Teacher:
Can anyone tell me how many
seconds there are in a year?
Pupil: 12 - 2nd January, 2nd February...!

These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods. They circled round and returned home an hour later from a completely different direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from themselves.Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in hand and bellowed, ''Did you two push the outhouse over this afternoon?''The older boy replied, ''As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon.''At this revalation, the farmer proceeded to flail the two boys severely and sent them to bed without supper.In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the brekfast table and took their seats. Everything was quiet until their father finally said, ''Have you two learned your lesson?''''Sure, Dad!'' said the big brother, ''But, in school we learned that George Washington admitted to HIS father that he'd chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he told the truth.''''Ah yes!' said the farmer, ''BUT, George's DAD, wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!!!''

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, ''How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?''The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, ''I'm drowning, you moron!''