Newest jokes

Mother: What
was the first thing you
learned in class?
Daughter: How to talk without moving my lips!

yo
mama's teeth so yellow that when she
smiles everyone sings, ''i got
sunshine on a cloudy day''.....

Yo mama is so fat that she needs a book

mark to keep track of all her chin rolls!

An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your

homework?
Pupil: My little sister ate it!

An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your
homework?
Pupil: I didn't do it because I didn't want to add to
your already
heavy workload.

An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
your homework?
Pupil: I left it in my shirt and my mother put it in
the washing
machine

Why don't lobsters share?
They're
shellfish.

Turtle to turtle: ''Don't ya just love
the sound
of rain on your roof?''

What do you give a deer with an upset

stomach?
Elkaseltzer.

Exasperated dragon on the field of

battle:
''Mother said there would be knights like this.''

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by

boat and one says to
the other, ''I hear
that the occupants of
this country actually eat dogs.'' ''Odd,'' her
companion replies, ''but
if we shall live in America, we might as well do
as the Americans
do.'' Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points
to a hot dog
vendor and they both walk toward him. ''Two dogs,
please,'' says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both
hot dogs
in oil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to
unwrap
their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers.
Staring
at it for a moment, she leans over to the other nun and whispers

cautiously, ''What part did you get?''

Small girl: I'd buy that dog, but
his legs
are too short! Clerk: Too short ? Why, all four of them touch
the
floor.

Where did the dog breeder keep his savings ? In
bark-lays
bank !

On a narrow mountain's road a man saw a police
car driving
uphill backwards.
- Hi guys. Why are you driving
backwards?
- Because we are not sure that we will find the place to
make u-turn on
the top of the mountain.
After one hour the same man
saw the same police car driving downhill
backwards again.
- But
guys, why are you driving backwards again?
- We have found the place
to make u-turn up there.

A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.


Cop: ''Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?''


Sister: ''Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65.''


Cop: ''Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the

highway you're on!

Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting
me know. I'll be more
careful.

At this point the cop looks
in the backseat where the other nuns are
shaking and trembling.


Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back
there?
They're shaking something terrible.

Sister: Oh, we just
got off of highway 119.

Q: What problems would
you face if you were
arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot
faster.

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a womanjust passing and said, ''Pardon me, miss, do you happen to have the time?''In a strident voice she responded, ''How dare you make such a proposition tome?''The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortable aware thatevery pair of eyes in the place had turned in their direction. He mumbled,''I just asked the time, miss.''In a voice even louder, the woman shrieked, ''I will call the police if yousay another word!''Grabbing his drink, and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastenedto the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath andwondering how soon he could sneak out the door.Not more than half a minute had passed when the woman joined him. In aquiet voice, she said, ''I am terribly sorry, sir, to have embarrassed you,but I am a psychology student at the university and I am writing a thesison the reaction of human beings to sudden shocking statements.''The man stared at her for three seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed,''You'll do all that for me all night for just ten dollars?''

A man and his date walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier afterhaving eaten a very expensive lunch at one of Beverly Hills mostexclusive restaurants.''Show the lady your finest mink!'' the fellow exclaims.So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with anabsolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, thefurrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, ''Ah, sir, thatparticular fur goes for $65,000.''''No problem! I'll write you a check!''''Very good, sir.'' says the shop owner. ''Today is Saturday. You maycome by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared the bank.''So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns.The store owner is outraged: ''How dare you show your face in here?!There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!''''I just had to come by,'' grinned the guy,''to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!''

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a longflight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks ifhe would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, sohe politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lottafun. He explains ''I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer,I'll pay you $5.'' Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get tosleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, ''OK, if you don't knowthe answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you$50!''This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this tormentunless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the firstquestion. ''What's the distance from the earth to the moon?'' The Engineerdoesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollarbill and hands it to the Programmer.Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer ''What goes up a hillwith three legs, and comes down on four?''The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptopcomputer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone withhis modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress.Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineerpolitely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks''Well, so what's the answer?''Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer$5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Why didn't the dog speak to his foot ?
Because
it's not polite to talk back to your paw !