Newest jokes

A husband and wife
went to the
fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on
the Ferris wheel, but the husband
wasn't comfortable with that. So the
wife went on the ride by
herself.

The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown
out
and landed in a heap at her husband's feet.

''Are you
hurt?'' he asked.

''Of course I'm hurt!'' she replied. ''Three times
around and you
didn't
wave once!''

What goes hum-choo, hum choo?
A bee with a
cold !

What is a bee's favourite classical music

composer ?
Bee-thoven !

What does a queen bee do when she burps
?
Issues a royal pardon !

A man is stranded on a desert
island, all
alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon.
He
thinks to himself, ''It's not a ship.'' The speck gets a little
closer
and he thinks, ''It's not a boat.'' The speck gets even closer and
he
thinks, ''It's not a raft.'' Then, out of the surf comes this

gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to

the guy and says, ''How long has it been since you've had a
cigarette?''

''Ten years!'', he says.

She reaches over and unzips a
waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and
pulls out a pack of fresh
cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says,
''Man, oh man! Is
that good!''

Then she asked, ''How long has
it been since you've had a drink of
whiskey?''

He replies,
''Ten years!''

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on
her right sleeve,
pulls out a flask and gives it to him.


He takes a long swig and says, ''Wow, that's fantastic!''


Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of

her wet suit and she says to him, ''And how long has it been since

you've had some real fun?''

And the man replies, ''Wow! Don't
tell me that you've got golf clubs
in there!''

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing
lesson.

''Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?' she asked the
instructor.

''P-u-t-t is correct,' he replied.

''Put means
to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a
vain
attempt to do the same thing.''

A couple of old guys were golfing
when one
said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in
the
morning.

His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a
few years
before. ''Is that so?'' the first said. ''Did he do a good
job?''

''Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the
ninth hole
hooked a shot,'' he said. ''The ball most have been going
200 mph when
it hit me in the stomach. That,'' he added, ''was the
first time in two
years my teeth didn't hurt.''

Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle. When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. ''Oh, those are my father's ashes,'' Stacey informs her new friend. However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with a -- ashes and broken vase scattering all around. After turning three shades of red she stammers out, ''Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to..'' ''It's OK dear,'' the mother says. ''The vase was just from Wal- Mart.'' The new friend catches her breath enough to say, ''But... but your husband's ashes...'' ''Well,'' the mother says, ''looks like he'll just have to get off his lazy butt and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!''

This young lady, a flighty young thing, got a job cleaning the bank windowsin the evening after the bank closed for business. Anyway, she was up thisladder, cleaning good and proper and as she was in the habit of wearing noknickers, every young man who would come along would stop and stare for asecond or two. But this evening an old geezer came along and stayedlooking.''What are you looking at'' she said.''I'm looking at the moon'' he said.''Well, if you were here last night, you would have seen a man in it'' shesaid.

A man spoke frantically into the phone: ''My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!'' ''Is this her first child?'' the emergency operator asked. ''No, you idiot!'' the man shouted. ''This is her husband!''

Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I
didn't know where the
Rockies were.
Mother: Well next time
remember where you put things!

My
horoscope read, ''You're going places
and you can't be stopped.''

Apparently the cop who gave me a
ticket hadn't read it.

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time wasbeing wined and dined by the State Department. The GrandEmir was unused to the salt in American foods (frenchfries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantlysending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with aglass of water, but then came the time when he returnedempty-handed.''Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?''demanded the Grand Emir.''A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,'' stammered thewretched Abdul, ''white man sit on well.''

Two Texan are sitting in a small town bar, where one braggedto the other: ''You know, I had me every woman in this town,except my mother and my sister.'' ''Well,'' his buddy replied, ''between you and me we got 'em all.''

A Polish family is sitting in the living room.The wife turns to the husband and says, ''Let's send the kids out back to p-l-a-y , so we can fuck.''

Q: What goes ''krab, krab, krab''? - A: A dog
barking in a
mirror.

Q: What side of the dog has the most fur? - A: The
Outside.

Q: When's the best time to take your doberman
pinscher for a
walk? - A: Anytime he wants to go.

Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground? - A:

Because you can't bury them in the sky!

What lives in gum trees ?
Stick insects !