Newest jokes

Q: When driving through fog, what

should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of
having an
accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Q: What changes would occur in your

lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be
forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian
is crossing
the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license
plate.

Why did the condom fly across the room?? It got pissed off!!!

Q: What do a tampon and an Old Southern Debutant have in common?A: They're both stuck up cunts!!

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe. The chief comes to them and says, ''The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.''The Frenchman says, ''I take ze poison.'' The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, ''Vive la France!'' and drinks it down.The Englishman says, ''A pistol for me, please.'' The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, ''God save the queen!'' and blows his brains out.The New Yorker says, ''Gimme a fork.'' The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over --the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, ''What are you doing???''The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, ''So much for your canoe, asshole!''

Q: How did bulldogs get such flat
noses? - A:
From chasing cars.

Q: What has got four legs and an arm?
- A: A
Rottweiler in a playground.

Q: How do you get a dog to stop
barking in the
back seat of a car? - A: Put him in the front seat.

Q:
What do you say to a dog before he eats? -
A: Bone appetite!

Q: Why did the dog cross the road? - A: Because it

was the chickens day off.

Polceman:
''I'm afraid that I'm going to
have to lock you up for the night.''

Man: ''What's the
charge?''

Polceman: ''Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the

service.

A police officer pulls a guy
over for
speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your
driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended
when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for
this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer:
The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of
it, I think I saw the
owner's card in the glove box when I was
putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove
box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed
the
woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the
trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes,
sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.

The
car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached
the
driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I
see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was
valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine,
officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the
car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's

a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in
it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain:
Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said
there's a body
in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no
body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said
you
told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in
the
glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the
trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too

A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several

weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every

summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there
for a
week or two.

One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian
friend to visit him. The
friend, happy to get anything free from a
lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the
time came, they spent a wonderful
time, getting up early every morning
and enjoying the great
outdoors.

One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were
picking
raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were
approached
by two huge bears--a male and a female.

The
lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however,
was
not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him
whole.

Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the

nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his hig
h-powered
rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer.
All the while,
he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his
friend's family. He just
had to save his friend.

Luckily, the
bears were still there. ''He's in THAT one!'' cried the
lawyer,
pointing to the male.

The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun,
took careful aim, and
shot the female.

''What did you do that
for?!'' exclaimed the lawyer, ''I said he was in
the other
bear!''

''Exactly,'' replied the sheriff. ''Would you believe a lawyer who
told
you that the Czech was in the male?''

One Day
Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up were
driving along in their car when Trouble
suddenly hurled himself out
of the window.

Well, Stupid and Shut Up did not know what to do
so they went to the
police station. When they got there the chief
asked them their names.

''Shut Up'', replied Shut
Up.

''Stupid'', replied Stupid.

The police chief thought these people were
telling him to shut up, and
were calling him stupid. Which made him
very mad. ''Excuse Me!''
shouted the chief.

Thinking the chief
was hard of hearing, They once again shouted there

names.

''Shut Up!''

''Stupid!''

The police chief was very riled. He
then asked'' Are you looking for
trouble?''!!!

Stunned at the
idea of the chief knowing that they were looking for
their friend,
they replied,''Why yes, how did you know?''

Lee was known among his friends for the

punctuality with which he sent
his wife her alimony payment each
month. When he was asked the reason
for his haste he shivered and
replied: ''I'm afraid that if I should
ever fall behind in the payments to
that witch, she might well try to
repossess me.''

A man happened to meet his ex-wife at a
party, and
after a few drinks,
he suggested that they might have
another try at marriage. His ex-wife
sneered in reply, ''Over my dead
body !''

He downed his drink and replied, ''Well, I see you haven't
changed one
little bit.''

A journalist had done a
story on gender
roles in Kuwait several years
before the Gulf War, and she noted then
that women customarily walked
about 10 feet behind their
husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now
walked
several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of
the women for an explanation. ''This is
marvelous,'' said the
journalist. ''What enabled women here to achieve
this reversal of
roles?''

Replied the Kuwaiti woman: ''Land mines''

A man has six children and is very proud of
his
achievement. He is so
proud of himself that he starts calling
his wife ''Mother of Six'' in
spite of her objections.

One
night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go
home,
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He
shouts
at the top of his voice, ''Shall we go home, Mother of Six?''

His
wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts
back,
''Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!''