Newest jokes

It had been snowing for
hours when
an announcement came over the intercom: ''Will the students
who are
parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may

being plowing.'' Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:

''Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return

to class.''

Where would you put an injured insect ?
In an
antbulance !

What do bees do if they want to use public

transport ?
Wait at a buzz stop !

Mama bear to Papa bear:
''Well... You
might call it hibernating -- I call it 'goofing
off'.''

One day Mullah was beating his donkey
in a remote place. A man saw
him and asked: why are you beating the
poor animal. Sorry, said Mullah,
is it a member of your family?

Q. What did the snail say when he

hitched a ride on the turtle?
A. Wheeeee!!!!!

The Barber Shop This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, ''How long before I can get a haircut?'' The barber looks around the shop and says, ''About 2 hours.'' The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, ''How long before I can get a haircut?'' The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, ''About 2 hours.'' The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, ''How long before I can get a haircut?'' The barber looks around the shop and says, ''About an hour and a half.'' The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, ''Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.'' In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, ''Bill, where did he go when he left here?'' Bill looked up and said, ''To your house.''

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named ''Clint'', and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to Clint, ''You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?'' Clint says, ''I want to see my horse.'' The Indians get his horse. Clint grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with Clint. The Indians look at each other, figuring, ''Typical white man - can only think of one thing.'' The second day, the chief says, ''What your wish today?'' Clint says, ''I want to see my horse again.'' The Indians bring him his horse. Clint leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the Clint. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, ''Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing.'' The last day comes, and the chief says, ''This your last wish, white man. What you want?'' Clint says, ''I want to see my horse again.'' The Indians bring him his horse. Clint grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, ''Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!''

This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It

was on this day two years
ago that I lost my dear wife and
children.

I'll never forget that game of cards...

A guy runs out of a Las
Vegas hotel and
says to a stranger, ''Can you
loan me two hundred bucks? My wife had a
terrible accident.''

The stranger says, ''If you need two hundred
dollars, what are you
using to gamble with?''

The guy replies,
''Oh, I've got gambling money.''

A little kid comes running into the
backyard.

He says, ''Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!''

''Son, you
know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile.''

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked
to find her house ransacked and
burglarized. She telephoned the
police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast
the call and a K-9 unit patrolling
nearby was the first to
respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a
leash, the
blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the
cop and his
dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face
in her hands, she moaned: ''I come home to find all my
possessions
stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send
me a BLIND policeman!''

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde
were
robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the
store.

The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.

The cop
kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, ''meow'', the cop
says, ''oh,
its only a cat''

He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says,
''woof, woof''. The cop
says, ''its only a dog''.

He kicks the
third bag, and the blonde says, ''potato''

A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two
lanes of
traffic.

He walks up to the drivers window and asks, ''You
drinkin'?''

The driver said, ''You buyin'?''

While driving down the
road the motorist
saw a roadside stand which had a fortune teller sitting
under an
umbrella. She was just sitting there smiling and laughing. The
motorist
passed on by and went a couple of miles on down the road. All
of a
sudden he spun his car around and sped back toward the fortune

teller. As he got closer to the still laughing fortune teller he began to

slow down. He pulled up next to the woman and jumped out of his car
and
suddenly began slapping and beating her.

A policeman
passing by screeched to a stop and wrestled the man to the
ground.
After cuffing the man he stood him up and asked him, ''What do
you
think you're doing?''

After a moment the man replied, ... ''Well,
I've always wanted to
strike a happy medium.''

An elderly woman had just returned to her home

from an evening worship service and was startled to find an
intruder in
her house.

Catching the man in the act of burglarizing
her home, she yelled,
''STOP! Acts 2:38!'' (''Repent and be baptized,
every one of you, in the
name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may
be forgiven.'')

As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the
woman calmly called the
police and explained what she had done.
Shortly, several officers
arrived and took the man into
custody.

As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers

asked, ''Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a

scripture verse.''

''Scripture?'' replied the
burglar.

''She said she had an axe and two 38's!''

After a particularly poor game of
golf, a
popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home.
As
he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped

him and asked, ''Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty

minutes ago?''

''Yes,'' the golfer responded.

''Did you
happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and
off the
course?''

''Yes, I did. How did you know?'' he asked.


''Well,'' said the policeman very seriously, ''Your ball flew out onto
the
highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went

out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire

truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down.
So,
what are you going to do about it?''

The golfer thought
it over carefully and responded...

''I think I'll close my
stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower
my right thumb.''

A young man who was also an avid golfer found

himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he
hurried
and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had
to head
home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman
shuffled onto
the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as
he was golfing
alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old
gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly
quickly. He didn't hit the
ball far, but plodded along consistently
and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway
and the young man found himself
with a tough shot. There was a large
pine tree right in front of his ball
- and directly between his
ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit
the shot the old man
finally said, ''You know, when I was your age
I'd hit the ball right over
that tree.''

With that chal
lenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit
the ball
up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded
back on
the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old
man offered one more comment, ''Of course, when I was your age
that
pine tree was only three feet tall.''

Ventriliquist cowboy walks into town and sees Indian sitting on his porch.Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?Indian: Dog no talk.Cowboy: Hey dog, hows it going?Dog: Doin alright.Indian: [extreme look of shock]Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]Dog: YepCowboy: How's he treat you?Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes meto the lake once a week to play.Indian: [look of disbelief]Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?Indian: Horse no talk.Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it going?Horse: Cool.Indian: [extremer look of shock]Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]Horse: YepCowboy: How's he treat you?Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes medown often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.Indian: [total look of amazement]Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?Indian: Sheep Lie!!

Q: What is the difference
between a
flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic

light?
A: The color.