Newest jokes

Q: Why is a dog's nose in the middle of
it's
face? - A: Because it's the scenter.

The man was in no shape to drive, so
he
wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking

unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

''What are you doing out
here at 2 A.M.?'' said the officer.

''I'm going to a lecture.''
the man said.

''And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?''
the cop asked.

''My wife.'' said the man.

Police officer: Excuse me, but your
dog has
been chasing a man on his bicycle.

Dog owner: Are you crazy? My
dog can't even ride a bicycle.

A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy says ''OK,'' and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms. Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms. The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. Guy says, ''OK,'' and goes back to the drug store and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms. Finally, the pharmacist asks, ''Look, if it makes you sick, how come you keep doing it?''

I HAD A BAD DAY It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly told the man, ''Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died.'' ''No problem.'' said the man. ''Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was going to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more, so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'' The angel sat back and though for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it was a crime of passion, so he announced, ''OK, Sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,'' and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. ''OK, here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died.'' ''Sure thing'' the man replied. ''But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!'' The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. ''I could get used to this new policy,'' he thinks to himself. ''Very well,'' the angel announces. ''Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,'' and he lets the man enter. A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. ''Tell me about the day you died,'' said the angel. ''OK, picture this, '' says the man. ''I'm naked inside a Refrigerator.......''

A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds: Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed. About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch. ''I'm here about your ad,'' he says. ''You must be mistaken,'' she says. ''Let me explain,'' he says. ''I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And I can't run away because I don't have any legs.'' ''But,'' she asks, ''How do I know you're good in bed?'' ''I rang the doorbell, didn't I?''

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child. ''I guess you must be in the fifth,'' she said. ''No ma'am'' he replied, ''I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow.''

Tim Shandy stepped into the Warm Spoon, a popular Galway tavern.To Mike Callahan, the barkeep, Shandy said ''Mike, I'll be havin'three whiskeys.''Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour. ''Now, Timothy,it's not the usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. It'scelebratin', you are.''Ahh, ye know me too well, Micheal, ye do. Truth, and I'm celebratingme first blow job.''Callahan smiled benevolently and set a fourth glass on the bar.''Now, that's special,'' he said. ''For an old customer like y'rself,here's a fourth on the house, so I may be sharin' your celebrationwith you.''Shandy shook his head, and replied '''Tis verra kind of ye, Micheal,but I'm thinkin' if three won't get rid of the taste, four won'teither.''

Tim Kelly was walking therough a dim passageway when someonespoke to him. ''Good evenin', Kelly,'' said the muffledfigure. ''Don't ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan any more?''Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandagesand adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaningon a crutch.''Saints!'' cried Kelly. ''Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or didye merely jump from the trestle?''''It could've been both,'' said Grogan, ''considerin' the feel ofit. But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphyhimself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand,and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me.''''He did indade,'' said Kelly. ''But couldn't ye defend y'rself,Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?''''Only Mrs. Murphy's ass,'' said Grogan. ''It's a beautiful thingin itself, but not worth a dom in a fight.''

What do you call 500 Natives running on the race track? The Indy 500.

How many Poles does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't know. I havn't find one that could do it yet.

Do you know why the baby Jesus wasn't born in Iowa? They couldn't find three wise men!!!Sent by Spencer

Have you heard about the latest sensation? It's called ''Rodeo Sex''?Thats when you mount your wife doggy style and in the middle of the sex act you bend over and whisper in her ear, ''Your sister has a tighter pussy than you'', and try to hold on for 8 seconds!

One day there was a tortoise walking on

the road. Along came the hare that had once been defeated by the

tortoise in a race. The hare was so angry from what had happened to
him so he
challenged him to another race. The tortoise gladly
accepted his
challenge. It ended up that the tortoise and the hare never
finished the race
because they both took a nap right before the
finish line. So the
tortoise is still the champion of the race. So
remember this you snooze you
loose!

A golfer, playing a round
by himself, is
about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up
to him, and
yells, ''Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really
amazing to
show you!''

The golfer, annoyed, says, ''What is it?''


''It's a special golf ball,'' says the salesman. ''You can never lose

it!''

''Whattaya mean,'' scoffs the golfer, ''you can never lose it?
What if
you hit it into the water?''

''No problem,'' says the
salesman. ''It floats, and it detects where
the shore is, and spins
towards it.''

''Well, what if you hit it into the woods?''


''Easy,'' says the salesman. ''It emits a beeping sound, and you can

find it with your eyes closed.''

''Okay,'' says the golfer,
impressed. ''But what if your round goes
late and it gets dark?''


''No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you,

you can never lose this golf ball!''

The golfer buys it at
once. ''Just one question,'' he says to the
salesman. ''Where did you
get it?''

''I found it.''

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting
one
morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.


Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15

minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a
word with him.
[dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that
group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?

George:
Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost
their
sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let

them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.


Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
them
tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact
my ophthalmologist buddy
and see if there's anything he can do for
them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

Q: Who has the right of
way when
four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up
truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying,
''Guns don't
kill people. I do.''

A young man comes home and says ''Dad,

just got my driver's license and would like to use the family
car.''

Father replies, :''O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good
grades
in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and
cut your
hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll
see.''

Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with

his report card in his hand. ''Dad, I got great marks on my report
card.
I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is
always
ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?''

Father
replies, ''That's all true, but son you didn't cut your

hair.''

Son says, ''But, dad, Jesus had long hair.''

Father replies,
''Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked
everywhere he
went.''

A man goes out and buys the best
car
available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the

best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He

takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An
old
man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next
to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the
car and asks
''What kind of car ya got there, sonny?''.

The
dude replies ''A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000.''

''That's
a lotta money!'' says the old man, shocked. ''Why does it
cost so
much?''

''Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!'' states the
cool dude
proudly.

The old man asks ''Can I take a look
inside?''

''Sure'' replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his
head in the window and looks around. Leaning
back on his moped, the
old man says ''That's a pretty nice car,
alright!''

Just
then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man

what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer

reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror.
It
seems to be getting closer!

Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh!
Something whips by him! Going maybe three
times as fast!

The
guy wonders ''what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo

BeepBeeP?'' Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward
him.

Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man

on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a

Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview
mirror!

WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car,

demolishing the rear end.

The guy jumps out and discovers it
is the old man! Of course, the moped
and the old man are hurting for
certain. The guy runs up to the dying
old man and asks ''You'
re hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for
you?''

The old
man replies ''Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view
mirror on
your car!''

While driving along the back roads of a
small town, two
truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read
CLEARANCE 11'3.''

They got out and measured their rig, which was
12'4.''

''What do you think?'' one asked the other.

The
driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. ''Not a
cop in
sight. Let's take a chance!''