Newest jokes

A blonde
was visiting Washington, DC for
the first time. She wanted to see the
Capitol building.
Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a
police officer for
directions, ''Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the
Capitol
building?''

The officer replied, ''Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54

bus. It'll take you right there.'' She thanked the officer and he
drives
off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to
the same area and,
sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the
same bus stop. The officer
got out of his car and said, ''Excuse me,
but to get to the Capitol
building, I said to wait here for the
number 54 bus. That was three hours
ago. Why are you still
waiting?''

The blonde replied, ''Don't worry, officer, it won't be long
now. The
45th bus just went by!''

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when
suddenly a car
came along and hit the door, ripping it off
completely.

When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining

bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

''Officer,
look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!'', he whined.

''You
lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!'', retorted the
officer.
''You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't
even
notice that your left arm was ripped off!''

''Oh no!'', replied the
lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left
shoulder where his arm once
was.

''Where's my Rolex???!!!''

As a
senior citizen was driving down
the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering,
he heard his wife's
voice urgently warning him, ''Herman, I just heard
on the news that
there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate.
Please be
careful!''

''Hell,'' said Herman, ''It's not just one car. It's
hundreds of
them!''

Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a

Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia

line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie
Trooper pulled in behind him and said, ''Hey, sarge, why did
you
stop?''

The sarge replied, ''He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead
of
us, so we'll never catch him.''

A young man was walking into town one day when
a wood hauler
gave him a ride.

After traveling about a mile
or two, the truck was stopped by the
highway patrol for a weight
check and inspection.

The truck inspection revealed the truck had
slick tires; no horn; no
head, tail or signal lights; no windshield
wipers. Also, it was
overloaded and had bad
brakes.

''Mister,'' the patrolman said to the driver, ''I think the best way to
charge
you is 'hauling wood without a truck.'''

The phone rings at
FBI
headquarters.

''Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding

marijuana inside his firewood!''

''Thank you very much for the
call, sir.''

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's
house. They search
the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes,
they bust open every
piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They
swear at the neighbors and
leave.

The phone rings at the
neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI

come?''

''Yep.''

''Did they chop your firewood?''

''Yep.''

''Great, now it's
your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.''

The policeman arrived at
the scene of an
accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole.
Searching
for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in
work
clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.

''Exactly where were you at
the time of the accident?'' inquired the
officer.

''Mister,''
exclaimed the telephone lineman, ''I was at the top of the
pole!''

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who
were
training to become detectives. To test their skills in
recognizing a
suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and
then hides
it.

''This is your suspect, how would you recognize
him?''

The first blonde answers, ''That's easy, we'll catch him
fast because
he only has one eye!''

The policeman says,
''Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his

PROFILE.''

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture

for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, ''This is your

suspect, how would you recognize him?''

The second blonde giggles,
flips her hair and says, ''Ha! He'd be too
easy to catch because he
only has one ear!''

The policeman angrily responds, ''What's the
matter with you two?? Of
course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING
because it's a picture of
his profile!! Is that the best ans
wer you can come up with?''

Extremely frustrated at this point,
he shows the picture to the third
blonde and in a very testy voice
asks, ''This is your suspect, how would
you recognize
him?''

He quickly adds ''...think hard before giving me a stupid
answer.''

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,

''Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses.''

The policeman is
surprised and speechless because he really doesn't
know himself if the
suspect wears contacts or not. ''Well, that's an
interesting
answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file
and I'll get
back to you on that.''

He leaves the room and goes to his office,
checks the suspect's file
in his computer, and comes back with a
beaming smile on his face. ''Wow!
I can't believe it...it's TRUE!
The suspect does in fact wear contact
lenses. Good work! How were
you able to make such an astute
observation?''

''That's e
asy,'' the blonde replied. ''He can't wear regular glasses
because
he only has one eye and one ear.''

I
failed every subject except for
algebra.
How did you keep from failing that?
I didn't take algebra!

Teacher: Are you good at math?
Pupil: Yes
and no
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Yes, I'm no good at
math!

Teacher: Why is the Mississippi
such an
unusual river?
Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can't see!

Teacher: You're new
here aren't you,
what's your name?
Pupil: Fred Mickey Smith

Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and

won't be able to come to school today.
School Secretary: Who is
this?
Pupil: This is my father speaking!

An Irish
priest and a Rabbi get into
a car accident. They both get out of their
cars and stumble over to
the side of the road. The Rabbi says, ''Oy vey!
What a wreck!'' The
priest asks him, ''Are you all right, Rabbi?'' The
Rabbi responds,
''Just a little shaken.'' The priest pulls a flask of
whiskey from his
coat and says, ''Here, drink some of this it will calm
your nerves.''
The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says,
''Well, what
are we going to tell the police?'' ''Well,'' the priest
says, ''I
don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be
tellin'
them I wasn't the one drinkin'.''

Kelly was standing in front of Cohan's

Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street.
He
ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake
with a
jerk.

Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man
approaching him, ''I
stopped it!''

''I know, you idiot!'' said
the man. ''I was pushing it!''

A man is driving along in the Irish
countryside, when he
comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of
petrol, the man decides
to stop. He says to the attendant at the
station, ''Fill it up, will
you?''. The man says ''Sorry - we're right
out of petrol.'' So the man
considers, and says ''Well, I'm a bit low
on oil, would you mind
topping that up?'' And the attendant
responds''Sorry, but no oil either.''
The man thinks, and asks the attendant
to wash his windscreen, to which
he gets the by-now predictable
response that he can't do that. The man
at this point is fairly mad,
so he asks the attendant ''Just what kind
of petrol station is this
?'' The attendant then looks both ways, and
very carefully whispers
to the man ''To tell you the truth, this is just
an IRA front.''


The man then says ''Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres

!''

One day there was a family driving in the
car to Michigan to
visit their relatives. They were looking for the
street they had to turn on
to get to their relatives house. They
accedently turned on the wrong
street so they had to pull in a
driveway and turn around. When they
pulled into the driveway the girl
asked her mother ''Why dont these people
have electricity?'' Very
confused the mother said, ''Wut are u talking
about?'' The girl quickly
replied, ''Well, the sign back there said NO
OUTLET!''

A history joke
Teacher: When was Rome
built?
Pupil: At night.
Teacher: Why did you say that?
Pupil:
Because my Dad always says that Rome wasn't built in a
day!

Father: I hear you skipped school
to play
football
Son: No I didn't, and I have the fish to prove it!

A deputy
police officer responded to a
report of a barroom disturbance. The
''disturbance'' turned out to be
well over six feet tall and weighed almost
300 pounds. What's more,
he boasted that he could whip the deputy and
Muhammad Ali
too.

Said the policeman, ''I'll bet that you're also an escape

artist-probably better than Houdini.''

The giant nodded.

''If I
had some chains,'' the deputy continued, ''you could show us how

strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why

don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?''

Once in
the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.
''I
can't get out of these,'' the giant growled.

''Are you sure?'' the
deputy asked. The fellow tried again. ''Nope,''
he replied. ''I can't
do it.''

''In that case,'' said the deputy, ''you're under

arrest.''