Newest jokes

Golfer: ''I've played so poorly all day; I

think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake.''
Caddy: ''I doubt
you could keep your head down that long.''

Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A:
So they can think with an open mind.

Q: Mom's have Mother's Day,
Father's have
Father's Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday.

Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They
irritate the shit out of you.

Q. What does a woman's asshole do when she is

having an orgasm?
A. He is usually home with the kids!

A man was in court charged
with
parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had
anything
to say in his defense. ''They shouldn't put up such misleading

notices,'' said the man. ''It said FINE FOR PARKING HERE.''

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck

stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked
up
to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and
then
took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old
man, spat
into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the
counter. The
third walked up to the old man, turned over the old
man's plate, and
then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a
word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly

thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress,
''Humph, not much of a
man, was he?''
The waitress replied, ''Not much of a truck driver
either, he just
backed his big-rig over three motorcycles.''

An explorer
goes into an undiscovered
tomb for the first time, and in
the center of the tomb there is a lamp.
So he picked it up and started
to rub the dirt off of it, and out
came a genie out of the lamp and he
said ''I want to know the person
you hate the most''
The explorer said ''That's gotta be my ex-wife.
Why?''
''I am a cursed genie, I will grant you three wishes but whatever
you
wish for your ex-wife will get double the amount.''
''OK, I
wish for a billion dollars''
''Granted, but your ex-wife gets two
billion''
''I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and
tennis
courts, everything''
''Granted your ex-wife gets two. This is
your final wish''
The explorer walked around the room and came back to
the genie with a
stick and said ''Ya see this stick, I'd like you to
beat me half to
death.''

A guy is down on his luck. He takes his

last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.
Overnight, he has a fantastic run of
luck. He stumbles out of the
casino
and finds a pay phone. He
calls his wife and says, ''Honey, pack your
bags.
I just won over a
million dollars in Vegas.''
His wife say, ''That's wonderful. What
should I pack for...Europe, the
Carribean?''
He says, ''I don't
care, just be gone when I get home.''

Husband: What do you love most, my

natural beauty or my body?

Wife: Your sense of humor.

A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing

his wife when
he found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why
he shot
her instead of her lover, he replied,
''Ah, m'sieur, is it
not better to shoot a woman once than a
different man every
week?''

A
man was walking in the street when he
heard a voice: ''Stop! Stand
still! If you take one more step, a
brick will fall down on your head
and
kill you.''
The man stopped
and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was
astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the

road.
Once again the voice shouted: ''Stop! Stand still! If you take one
more
step a car will run over you and you will die.''
The man did as he
was instructed, just as a car came careening around
the
corner,
barely missing him.
''Where are you?'' the man asked. ''Who are
you?''
''I am your guardian angel,'' the voice answered.
''Oh yeah?'' the man
asked...''And where were you when I got married?''

A man called
the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed: ''Come and bury
my
wife.''
''But I buried your wife ten years ago,'' replied the undertaker.
''I
got married again,'' the man sobbed.
''Oh,'' said the undertaker.
''Congratulations.''

What is the difference between a jew and a canoe?A canoe tips.....Sent by deadcatz

Q: When is a strange dog
most likely to go
into your house? - A: When the door is open.

Q: What
happened when the dog went to the flea
circus? - A: It stole the
show!

Joe decides to take
his boss Phil to play 9
holes on their lunch. While both men are playing
excellent they are
often held up by two women in front of them moving
at a very slow
pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can
speed it
up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs

back.

His boss asks what the problem is. ''Well one of those women is my
wife
and the other my mistress,'' complained Joe. Phil just shook
his head
at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his
round of
golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game,
he too stopped
short and turned around.

Joe asked ''what's
wrong?'' It's a small, small world Joe, and
you're fired''

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks
around
frowning.

Finally the pro askes her what she wants.
''I can't find any green
golf balls,'' the blonde golfer
complains.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs,
and
finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough,
there are
no green golf balls.

As the blonde golfer walks
out the door in disgust, the pro asks her,
''Before you go, could you
tell me why you want green golf balls?''

''Well obviously, because
they would be so much easier to find in the
sand traps!''

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, ''Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on280. Please be careful!''''Hell,'' said Herman, ''It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!''

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding

and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She
replied in a huff, ''I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just
yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to

show it to you!''

A middle aged woman was driving through a

school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was

giving her the ticket, she said, ''How come I always get a ticket and

everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?''

''No, ma'am,''
explained the officer, ''it's your foot.''