Newest jokes

Golfer:
''I'd move heaven and earth to be
able to break 100 on this course.''
Caddy: ''Try heaven. You've already
moved most of the
earth.''

Golfer: ''Well, I have never played this badly
before!
Caddy: ''I didn't realize you had played before, sir.''

Golfer: ''Caddy, do you think my game is

improving?''
Caddy: ''Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you
used
to.''

Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm
white?
A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.

Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me.

Are you having trouble hearing?
Pupil: No, teacher I'm having
trouble listening!

Teacher: What are
the Great
Plains?
Pupil: 747, Concorde and F-16!

Son: I can't go to school today.
Father:
Why not?
Son: I don't feel well
Teacher: Where don't you feel
well?
Son: In school!

Teacher: I'll call you Fred Smith
then.
Pupil: My dad won't like that.

Teacher: Why is that?
Pupil: He
doesn't like people taking the Mickey out of my name!

Teacher: Is
Lapland heavily
populated?
Class: No, there are not many Lapps to the mile!
Teacher: Name an
animal that lives in Lapland!
Pupil: A reindeer
Teacher: Good, now
name another.
Class: Another reindeer!

What do West Virginians call a pretty woman? A tourist.

What is New Jersey's state bird? The common House Fly.

What goes: Clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, bang bang, clip clop, clip clop, clip clop? An 'Amish' drive-by shooting

''Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?'' the solicitor questionedhis client. ''Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?''''Oh, no,'' replied Mrs. O'Connor. ''Shure now, we have a carport.''The solicitor tried again. ''Well, does the man beat you up?''''No, no,'' said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. ''I'm always first outof bed.''Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. ''Well, does he go in forunnatural connubial practices?''''Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything aboutthe connubial.''Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. ''What I'm trying to find out arewhat grounds you have.''''Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds.''''Mrs. O'Connor,'' the solicitor said in considerable exasperation,''you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for youseeking this divorce?''''Ah, well now,'' said the lady, ''Shure it's because the man can't hold anintelligent conversation.''

What's the difference between a homeless and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.

Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction. ''Quick, man,'' he whispered to the waiter, ''what did they say?'' ''Nothing,'' replied the waiter. ''They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets.''

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. ''I feel terrible,'' he explained, ''I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.'' The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, ''What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?'' The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: ''Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.''

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to ''enforce the laws pending.'' He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, ''Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?'' The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, ''This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?'' The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, ''This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?'' The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, ''This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?'' Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, ''You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?'' The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said ''You're so smart, YOU tell ME!''

Embarrassing moments The following are the top three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in New Woman Magazine. 1)''While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' ''The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter'' * Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia 2)''It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. ''As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. ''Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.'' * Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York 3)A lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: ''PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN,TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE.'' That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word ''tampax'' for ''THUMBTACKS.'' In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: ''DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?''

''How was your golf game, dear?'' asked Jack's

wife Tracy.

''Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my
eyesight's gotten so bad, I
couldn't see where the ball
went.''

''You're seventy-five years old, Jack!'' admonished his wife. ''Why
don't
you take my brother Scott along?''

''But he's eighty-five and
doesn't even play golf anymore,''
protested Jack.

''Yes, but
he's got perfect eyesight and can watch your ball for
you,''
Tracy
pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on.
Jack swung and the
ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
''Did you see where it
went?'' asked Jack.

''Yup,'' Scott
answered.

''Well, where is it?'' yelled Jack, peering off into the
distance.

''I forgot.''

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about
to tee
off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells,
''Wait!
Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show
you!''

The golfer, annoyed, says, ''What is it?''

''It's a
special golf ball,'' says the salesman. ''You can never lose
it!''


''Whattaya mean,'' scoffs the golfer, ''you can never lose it? What
if
you hit it into the water?''

''No problem,'' says the
salesman. ''It floats, and it detects where
the shore is, and spins
towards it.''

''Well, what if you hit it into the woods?''


''Easy,'' says the salesman. ''It emits a beeping sound, and you can
find
it with your eyes closed.''

''Okay,'' says the golfer, impressed.
''But what if your round goes
late and it gets dark?''

''No
problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you,
you
can never lose this golf ball!''

The golfer buys it at once
. ''Just one question,'' he says to the
salesman. ''Where did you get
it?''

''Ummm, I found it.''