Newest jokes

Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you

to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4?
Class: At
once!

Golfer: ''Please stop checking your watch all the
time, caddy. It's
distracting!''
Caddy: ''This isn't a watch,
sir, its a compass!''

Golfer: ''Caddy,
do you think it is a sin to
play golf on Sunday?''
Caddy: ''The way you play, sir, it's a sin any
day of the
week!''

Golfer: ''This golf is a funny game.''
Caddy:
''It's not supposed to be.''

Golfer: ''That can't be my
ball, caddy. It
looks far too old.''
Caddy: ''It's a long time since we started,
sir.''

Golfer: ''Do you think I can get there with a

5-iron?''
Caddy: ''Eventually.''

How do you stop a 3 black men from raping a white woman? Throw them a basketball!What do you call a black priest? Holy Shit!What do you call a black woman taking birth control pills? A Humanitarian.

Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here's a listing of some of the lessor known ones...The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ........ U. GoghThe brother who bleached all his clothes white .. Hue GoghThe sister who wore a mini skirt to dance in bars ... Go GoghThe real obnoxious brother .......... Please GoghThe brother who ate prunes ............ Gotta GoghThe uncle who worked at a convenience store ....... Stop N GoghHis dizzy aunt ............. Verti GoghThe cousin that moved to Illinois ......... Chicah GoghHis magician uncle .............. Wherediddy GoghThe cousin who lived in Mexico .......... Amee GoghAnother cousin who lived in Mexico ......... Green GoghNephew that drove a stage coach .......... Wells Far GoghAunt who was a good dancer .............. Tan Gogh

The Pilots One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: ''You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!''

Stolen Car A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, ''Can I help you, sir?'' ''Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!'' the man replies. The cop asks, ''Where was your car the last time you saw it?'' ''It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!'' the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally. About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, ''Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?'' The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans ''OHHH GOD . . . they got my girlfriend too!!!''

Larry's barn burned down, and Susan, his
wife, called the
insurance
company ...

Susan: We had that
barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.
Agent: Whoa there
just a minute, Susan; it doesn't work quite like
that.
We will
ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new
one

of comparable worth.
Susan, after a pause: I'd like to cancel
the policy on my husband.

A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder. Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds. Curious, he begins to climb. Before long, he is *in* the clouds. He looks around and sees the most horribly ugly woman he has ever seen in his life. Obese, snaggle-toothed, matted hair..... She looks at him, beckons, and says, ''Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success.'' Well, having no intention of doing *anything* with this woman, the man climbs higher up the ladder. A bit further on, he comes upon a woman slightly less ugly than the woman before. Not attractive, by any means, but not repugnant. ''Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success, ''she says. Again, the man elects to continue his climb. Before long, he comes upon another woman. This one is actually attractive. Not a knock-out, but very pleasing. ''Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success.'' Well, he figures the women keep getting better and better looking as he gets higher and higher. So he decides to continue climbing. A bit farther up is the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen in his life! Miss America beautiful. In a sultry voice she says, ''Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success.'' Well, needless to say he is *very* tempted. But he just can't imagine what could top this woman, so he decides to climb higher. On the next cloud up is a horrid 500 lb man. You can see the lice in his hair, he stinks, his clothes are ratty..... ''Who are you?'' our climber asks in horror. Grinning a toothless grin, the man looks at him and says, ''Hi. I'm Cess.

This little snail bought a little car
and took it to the body
shop to have it painted. The service man
asked him exactly what he
wanted done, and the snail said he wanted
little S's painted all around
and all over his car. The service man
asked him why, and the snail
answered ''When people see me in my car
I want them to say, look at that
S-Car-Go!''

Q: What do men and sperm
have in
common?
A:They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human

being.

What do you call a gay Indian? A brave sucker!

An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his namelegally changed. When he replied, the desk clerk asked''Can i help you sir?''Our man said ''Yes, I would like to change my name.''''What is your current name?'' asked the clerk.''Martin Arsehole,'' replied the man.The clerk laughed, and said ''I can see why you want achange. What would you like your new name to be?''''Tim.''

What's the difference between a Jewish Mother and a Rottweiler? Eventually the Rottweiler lets go!

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street
with one foot
on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop
pulled up and said, ''I've got to take you in, sir. You're

obviously drunk''

The wasted wino asked, ''Ociffer, are ya absolutely
sure I'm drunk?''

''Yeah, buddy, I'm sure,'' said the copper.
''Let's go.''

Obviously relieved, the wino said ''That's a relief - I
thought I was
a cripple.''

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to

catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car
puttering
along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, ''This driver is
just as dangerous as a
speeder!''So he turns on his lights and pulls
the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are
five old ladies, two in
the front seat and three in the back, wide
eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to
him, ''Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed
limit! What seems to be the
problem?''

''Ma'am,'' the officer
replies, ''You weren't speeding, but you
should know that driving
slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to
other
drivers.''

''Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit

exactly twenty-two miles an hour!'' the old woman says a bit
proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle exp
lains to her
that ''22'' was the route number, not the speed
limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for

pointing out her error.

''But before I let you go, Ma'am, I
have to ask... Is everyone in this
car OK? These women seem awfully
shaken and they haven't muttered a
single peep this whole time,''
the officer asks.

''Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.
We just got off Route
142.''

A
farmer and his pig were driving down the
road when a cop pulled him over.

The cop asked the farmer,
''Didn't you know it is against the law to
ride with a pig in the front
of you truck?''

The farmer replied, ''No, I didn't knowed
that.''

The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said, ''To
Memphis''.
The cop said, ''I will let you off the hook this time if you
promise to
take the pig to the zoo when you get to
Memphis.''

So the farmer promised he would.

Several days later the cop
spotted the farmer with the pig driving down
the road and he pulled him
over again.

The cop said ''I thought I told you to take this pig
to the zoo when
you got to Memphis'' and to this the farmer replied
''I did and we had so
much fun, I'm taking him to the circus.''