Newest jokes

Sister: Mom wants you to come in
and help fix
dinner. Brother: Why? Is it broken?

Do robots have sisters ?
No,
just transistors !

My sister
wanted to marry a man
clever enough to make a lot of money but dumb
enough to spend it on
her !

Q: Why should we feel bad for the gay homeless population?A: None of them have closets to come out of.

Q: What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic?A: Snap-on tools!

Q:What do you call two guys in a sleepping bag?A: A gay time.... Sent by Lara

|A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. ''In English,'' he said, ''A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.''A voice from the back of the room piped up, ''Yeah, right.''

|1. Avoid alliteration. Always.2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.3. Employ the vernacular.4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.6. Remember to never split an infinitive.7. Contractions aren't necessary.8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.9. One should never generalize.10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, ''I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.''11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.13. Be more or less specific.14. Understatement is always best.15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.17. The passive voice is to be avoided.18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.20. Who needs rhetorical questions?21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.22. Don't never use a double negation.23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point24. Do not put statements in the negative form.25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.28. A writer must not shift your point of view.29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.37. Always pick on the correct idiom.38. The adverb always follows the verb.39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.

Yo mama so poor your
family ate cereal
with a fork to save milk.

Yo mama so poor she was in
K-Mart with a
box of Hefty bags. I said, ''What ya doin'?'' She said,
''Buying
luggage.''

A vampire bat came flapping in from a
night of foraging, covered in
fresh blood. He parked himself on the
cave's roof to get some sleep.
Soon all the other bats smelled the
blood and began hassling him about
where he got it. He told them to
shut up and let him get some sleep, but
they persisted until he
finally gave in. ''OK, follow me.'' He flew out
of the cave with
hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley
they went, across a
river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed
down and all the
other bats excitedly milled around him. ''Do you see
that tree over
there?'' ''YES, YES, YES!!'' the bats all screamed in a
frenzy. ''Well I
didn't!''

There are bats hanging of a branch

upside down, all except one. Two bats comment: ''What's happened to this

one?
- I don't know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then
he
fainted.

A lady was walking down the street to
work and she
saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The
parrot said to her,
''Hey lady, you are really ugly.'' Well, the lady is
furious! She
stormed past the store to her work. On the way home
she saw the same parrot
and it said to her, ''Hey lady, you are really
ugly.''

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same
parrot again said
to her, ''Hey lady, you are really ugly.''

The
lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she

would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied,

''That's not good,'' and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When
the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot

called to her, ''Hey lady.''

She paused and said, ''Yes?''

The
bird said, ''You know.''

What animal do you look like when you
get
into the bath ?
A little bear !

What do you call a gigantic polar
bear?
Nothing, you just run away!

Why does an inspiring sight like a
sunrise always have to
take place at such an inconvenient time?

Why, if the best things in
life are
free, the next-best things are so expensive?

If FedEx and Ups merged, would they call

it Fed UP?

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth.... still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

What's an Australian kiss?The same thing as a French kiss, only down under!