Newest jokes

I once met a dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date butunfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but i can't get my wife to go swimming!

|A shoeseller meets a mathematician and complains that he does not know what size shoes to buy. ''No problem,'' says the mathematician, ''there is a simple equation for that,'' and he shows him the Gaussian normal distribution. The shoeseller stares some time at het equation and asks, ''What is that symbol?'' ''That is the Greek letter pi.'' ''What is pi?'' ''That is the ratio between the circumference and the diameter of a circle.'' Upon this the shoeseller cries out: ''What does a circle have to do with shoes?!''

|It is often cited that there are half as many divorces as marriages in the US, so one concludes that average marriages have a 50% chance of ending by divorce. While I was a graduate student, among my peers there were twice as many divorces as marriages, leading us to conclude that average marriages would end twice...

|There was this statistics student who, when driving his car, would always accelerate hard before coming to any junction, whizz straight over it , then slow down again once he'd got over it. One day, he took a passenger, who was understandably unnerved by his driving style, and asked him why he went so fast over junctions. The statistics student replied, ''Well, statistically speaking, you are far more likely to have an accident at a junction, so I just make sure that I spend less time there.''

|A new government 10 year survey cost $3,000,000,000 revealed that 3/4 of the people in America make up 75% of the population.According to recent surveys, 51% of the people are in the majority.Did you know that 87.166253% of all statistics claim a precision of results that is not justified by the method employed?80% of all statistics quoted to prove a point are made up on the spot.According to a recent survey, 33 of the people say they participate in surveys.Q: What do you call a statistician on drugs?A: A high flyer.Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb?A: 1-3, alpha = .05There is no truth to the allegation that statisticians are mean. They are just your standard normal deviates.Q: Did you hear about the statistician who invented a device to measure the weight of trees?A: It's referred to as the log scale.Q: Did you hear about the statistician who took the Dale Carnegie course?A: He improved his confidence from .95 to .99.Q: Why don't statisticians like to model new clothes?A: Lack of fit.Q: Did you hear about the statistician who was thrown in jail?A: He now has zero degrees of freedom.Statisticians must stay away from children's toys because they regress so easily.The only time a pie chart is appropriate is at a baker's convention.Never show a bar chart at an AA meeting.Old statisticians never die, they just undergo a transformation.Q: How do you tell one bathroom full of statisticians from another?A: Check the p-value.Q: Did you hear about the statistician who made a career change and became an surgeon specializing in ob/gyn?A: His specialty was histerectograms.The most important statistic for car manufacturers is autocorrelation.Some statisticians don't drink because they are t-test totalers. Others drink the hard stuff as evidenced by the proliferation of box-and-whiskey plots.Underwater ship builders are concerned with sub-optimization.The Lipton Company is big on statistics--especially t-tests.

|1. They speak only the Greek language.2. They usually have long threatening names such as Bonferonni, Tchebycheff, Schatzoff, Hotelling, and Godambe. Where are the statisticians with names such as Smith, Brown, or Johnson?3. They are fond of all snakes and typically own as a pet a large South American snake called an ANOCOVA.4. For perverse reasons, rather than view a matrix right side up they prefer to invert it.5. Rather than moonlighting by holding Amway parties they earn a few extra bucks by holding pocket-protector parties.6. They are frequently seen in their back yards on clear nights gazing through powerful amateur telescopes looking for distant star constellations called ANOVA's.7. They are 99% confident that sleep can not be induced in an introductory statistics class by lecturing on z-scores.8. Their idea of a scenic and exotic trip is traveling three standard deviations above the mean in a normal distribution.9. They manifest many psychological disorders because as young statisticians many of their statistical hypotheses were rejected.10. They express a deap-seated fear that society will someday construct tests that will enable everyone to make the same score. Without variation or individual differences the field of statistics has no real function and a statistician becomes a penniless ward of the state.

Where do baby ghosts go during the
day?
Dayscare centers

What's the first thing ghosts do when they get
into
a car?-
They boo-kle their seatbelts

What do ghosts watch if they want to
relax?
Skelly-vision!

Two teenage boys were
talking in the
classroom. One said, 'I took my girlfriend to see 'The
bride of
Dracula' last night.'
'Oh yeah,' said the other, ' what was she like
?'
'Well she was about six foot six, white as a ghost and she had
big red
staring eyes and fangs.'
The other said, 'Yes, but what
was 'The Bride of Dracula' like
?'

I can't understand why people say my
girlfriend's legs look like
matchsticks. They do look like sticks - but
they certainly don't
match.

What did the really ugly man do for a living
?
He posed for Halloween masks !

I don't think these photographs
you've
taken do me justice.
You don't want justice - you want mercy !

Your ugly.
And you're drunk.
Yes, but in
the morning I'll be sober !

If you crossed King Kong and a bell, what

would you have?
A ding-dong King Kong.

What is big hairy and can fly ?
King
Kongcorde !

Q: What does Hillary Clinton and Tampons have in common?A: ''They are both stuck-up cunts!''

Knock Knock
Who's there
!
Brother !
Brother who ?
Brother-ation, I've forgotten your name
!

Brother: Which is farther away-

NY City or the moon? Sister: NY City. Why do ask? Brother: Well, I can

see the moon, but I can't see NY City.