Newest jokes

What do you call
an elephant in a phone
box?
Stuck.

What do ghosts use to phone home?
A
terror-phone.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a
telephone.
Doctor: Why's that?
I keep getting calls in the night.

How can you tell that
you're getting old?

You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!

Are you
getting older and wiser?
No,
he's getting older and wider!

A grandmother was telling her
little
granddaughter what her own childhood was like: ''We used to skate
outside
on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in

our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the

woods.''
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she
said, ''I
sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!''

Q. Why did the jellybean go to

school?

A. Because he wanted to be a smarty

What would you call two
bananas?
A pair
of slippers.

A hound dog and a dalmation were sitting in an

Internet cafe and the
dalmation said to the hound, ''Hey, check out
my web site!'' The hound
asked
for the address and the dalmation
responded,
''www.dalmation.dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot.

Q. What did the dog say when he sat on
sand
paper?
A. ''Rough rough''.

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM,

SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red
light.

What's the difference between Windows
95 and a
virus?
A virus does something.

|It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.How many times can you do this to us in a single game?'' he screamed. ''You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter.'' The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. ''What it comes down to,'' he bellowed, ''is that you STINK!'' The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. The official finally replied, ''And how do I smell from here?''

|Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.''I was the James Bond type of player,'' he told his friends. ''I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition.''''Batted .007,'' his wife added.

What do you call the queue of Software

Engineers standing outside Heaven ?
The Y2K deadline !

St. Peter and Satan were having an
argument one day about
baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on
neutral grounds between a
select team from the heavenly host and
his own hand-picked boys. ''Very
well,'' said the gatekeeper of Heaven.
''But you realize, I hope, that
we've got all the good players and
the best coaches.'' ''I know, and
that's all right,'' Satan answered
unperturbed. ''We've got all the
umpires.''

A famous professor of surgery
died
and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the

gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?' 'Yes,' the

professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of

Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community
Hospital,
and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee
did not se it
so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.'
'Well,' said
the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may
enter.' 'Thank
you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor
ansvered. 'Im am not Saint
Peter,' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having
his lunchbreak. I am Saint
Lucas.'

Why don't apples smile
when you go bobbing
?
Because they're crab apples !

What do you get if you cross a jogger
with an
apple pie ?
Puff pastry !

Why did Eve want to move to New York ?
She
fell for the Big Apple !