Newest jokes

|Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, ''I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through.'' So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, ''Who are you??'' Mrs. Riley replied, ''I am the devil!'' With that, Riley shook her hand and said, ''Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister.''

What monster flies his kite in a rain
storm?
Benjamin Frankenstein

|The advice your son rejected is now being given by him to your grandson.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn't have anything to do with it.

|With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic.To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies.I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator.As a reminder, I wrote at the top: ''IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN.''When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message:''MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF IT.'''

|Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.Today, it's the size of his minivan.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father smoked a pipe. If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, ''Wake up, it's time for school.''Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: ''Wake up, it's time for hockey practice.''--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.Today, a father comes home to a note: ''Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge.'' --------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, ''WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE..''--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: ''I wanted Sega!''--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.Today, he'll get a digital organizer.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers said, ''A man's home is his castle.''Today, they say, ''Welcome to the money pit.''--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, ''a good day at the market'' meant Father brought home feed for the horses.Today, ''a good day at the market'' means Dad got in early on an IPO.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.Today, kids glance up and grunt, ''Dad, you're invading my space.''--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.Today, fathers break the ice by saying, ''So...how long have you had that earring?''--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.

|A man speaks frantically into the phone, ''My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!'' ''Is this her first child?'' the doctor queries. ''No, you idiot!'' the man shouts. ''This is her *husband*!''

''Look at that speed!''
said one hawk to
another as the jet fighter plane hurtled over their
heads.
''Hmph!''
snorted the other. ''You would fly fast too if your tail was
on
fire!''

A couple of pigeons made a
date to meet on
the ledge outside the tenth floor of a skyscraper. The
female was
there on time, but the male arrived an hour late.
''Where were you? I
was worried sick.''
''It was such nice day, I decided to walk.''

How many ducks would there be,
if you saw two
ducks in front of two ducks, two ducks between two
ducks, and two
ducks behind two ducks?

Answer: 4 ducks-because they are in a
row.

Why did the chicken cross
the road in
Missouri?
To show the opossum it could be done.

Chicken to turkey: ''Only Thanksgiving and

Christmas???
You're lucky, with us it's any Sunday.''

|'Twas the Night After Christmas'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy. The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried. When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, ''Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus.'' I said, ''Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause.'' Then the Sheriff he said, ''The man was shot at last night.'' I said, ''That might have been me, just what's he look like.'' The Sheriff replied, ''Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry.'' I said, ''Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri.'' ''It's no time for jokes Roy'' the Sheriff he said. ''The man I'm describing in dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen.'' Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail. I said, ''Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again.'' When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red. Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did run. And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I yelled, ''Drop fat boy, hands in the air!'' But he went about his business like he hadn't a care. So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, ''That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court.'' The above document was written by Jeff Foxworthy.

|Q: Which day of the week do chickens hate most?A: Fry-day!Q: What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg?A: It eggs-plodes!Q: Why did the chick disappoint his mother?A: He wasn't what he was cracked up to be!Q: Is chicken soup good for your health?A: Not if you're the chicken!Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: To get to the other side!Q: What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?A: ''You scratch my beak and I'll scratch yours!'' Q: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again?A: Because he was a dirty double-crosser!Q: Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road?A: Because he didn't have enough guts!Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?A: To get to the other slide!

Father and son standing outside the elephant's
cage in the Moscow
Zoo. Father tells son, ''If we stand around here
long enough, one of them
will throw some food at us.''

A man went to work for a zoo
veterinarian.
''Look in the lion's mouth,'' the vet told him.
''How do I do that?'' he
asked.
''Carefully,'' replied the vet.

The manager of a large city
zoo was drafting a
letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his
computer and typed
the following sentence: ''I would like to place an
order for two
mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.''

He stared
at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he
deleted
the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: ''I
would
like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your

earliest convenience.''

Again he stared at the screen, this time
focusing on the new word,
which seemed just as odd as the original
one. Finally, he deleted the whole
sentence and started all over.
''Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo
should be without a mongoose,'' he
typed. ''Please send us two of
them.''

One day the zookeeper noticed that the orang-utang

was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.
In
surprise he asked the ape, ''Why are you reading both those
books''?

''Well,'' said the orang-utang, ''I just wanted to know if I was
my
brother's keeper or my keeper's brother.''

|Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.

|The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, ''Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.''''What is it, child?''The girl said, ''Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.''The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, ''My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake.''

A woman just back from Arizona was telling her
friends
about the trip.
''When my husband first saw the Grand
Canyon, his face dropped a
mile,'' she said.
''Why, was he
disappointed with the view?''
''No, he fell over the edge.''