Newest jokes

School Doctor:
Have you ever had trouble
with appendicitis? Fred: Only when I tried to
spell it.

How do you spell wrong? R?o?n?g.
That's
wrong.
That's what you asked for, isn't it?

First witch: Here's a banana
if you can
spell it.
Second witch: I can spell banana. I just don't know when
to
stop.

The young lad had applied for a job, and was
asked his full name.
''Aloysius Montmorency Geoghan,'' he replied.
''How do you spell that?'' asked
the manager. ''Er ? sir ? er ? can't
you just put it down without
spelling it?''

A
guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising
his voice, asks to speak to
himself.

''Sorry, he doesn't
live here anymore, we're divorced!''

Next day, the guy does the
same thing with the same results.

He does this everyday for a week,
and finally his ex-wife realizes who
it is that keeps calling.
''Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of
story! When are you going
to get that through your fat head?''

''Oh, I know! I just can't
hear it enough!''

Question: What's the
major cause of
divorce?
Answer: Once is not enough.

Q: How many divorced men does it take to screw

in a light bulb?
A: None, the sockets go with the house.

Once upon a time, a
beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.
The frog said
to the princess, '' I once was a handsome prince until an
evil witch
put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back
into a
prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and

you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and

forever feel happy doing so.'' That night, while the princess dined on frog

legs,she kept laughing and saying, ''I don't THINK so.''

Why doesnt Kermit like elephants?
They always
want to play leap-frog with him.

What do you get if you cross a frog with a

decathlete?
Someone who pole-vaults without a pole.

A
schoolteacher was trying to teach her
six-year old class students how
to say the pledge of allegiance to
the flag. The schoolteacher said,
O.K. children begin by putting
your hand over your little heart and repeat
with me, I pledge
allegiance to the HOLD IT! HOLD IT! Johnny, why is
your hand over your butt
cheek instead of your heart? Johnny relied! I
can't. Teacher asks,
why not? Well you see, when my ant comes over to
pick me up and
pats my bottom and says, BLESS YOUR LITTLE HEART!!!!!!

What do you get if you cross a chemical and a

bicycle ?
Bike carbonate of soda !

What did the bicycle call its
dad?
Pop-cycle

Q: Why do bikes have kick-stands? A: Because
they're
two-tired.

Which Elizabethan
sailor could stop bikes
?
Sir Francis Brake !

Who do they get for Babe the pig's dangerous
movie scenes?
A stunt ham.

|A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. ''There is a blind man to see you,'' she says. ''Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in.''The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: ''That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?

|A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind. The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, ''You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!'' The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, ''Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!''

|There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, ''Wow, these seats are big!'' The person next to him answered, ''Everything is big in Texas.'' When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, ''Wow these mugs are big!'' The bartender replied, ''Everything is big in Texas.'' After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, ''Second door to the right.'' The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, ''Don't flush, don't flush!''

|Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, ''If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here.'' Casey mumbled, ''If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here.''