Newest jokes

Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on

Thanksgiving?
They couldn't get the moose in the oven!

What's a pet's favorite
day?


...Saint Petrick's Day

What should you call a bald teddy ?

Fred bear !

What kind of money do polar bears use ?

Ice lolly !

As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, ''Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!''''It's not just one car,'' said Herman, ''It's hundreds of them!''

How does the Easter Bunny stay
healthy?
Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!

What would you get
if you crossed the
Easter Bunny with Chinese food?
Hop suey!

What has long ears, hops and likes
websurfing?
The e-aster bunny.

What is the best way to send a letter to the

Easter Bunny?
By hare (air) mail.

Why is Easter like whipped cream and a cherry?

Because it's always on a sundae!

|Twas the night before Christmas, Da whole house was mella, Not a creature was stirrin', Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.When up on da roof I heard somethin' pound, I sprung to da window, To scream, ''YO! Keep it down!''When what to my Wanderin' eyes should appear, But da Don of all elfs, And eight friggin' reindeer!Wit' slicked back black hair, And a silk red suit, don Christopher wuz here, And he brought da loot!Wit' a slap to dare snouts, And a yank on dare manes, He cursed and he shouted, And he called dem by name.''Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Vinny, Yo Vito, Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!''As I drew out my gun And hid by da bed, He flew troo da winda And slapped me 'side da head.''What da heck you doin' Pullin' a gun on da Don? Now all you're gettin' is coal, You friggin' moron!''Den pointin' a fat finga Right unda my nose, He twisted his pinky ring, And up da chimney he rose.He sprang to his sleigh, Obscenities screamin', Away dey all flew, Before he troo dem a beatin'.Den I heard him yell out, What I did least expect, ''Merry Friggin' Christmas to all, And yous better show some respect!''

|Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.The Pastor said to him, 'You need to join the Army of the Lord!'Jack replied, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.'Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?'He whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'

|Jones: ''The chinese make it an invariable rule to settle all their debts on New Year's Day.''Smith: ''So I understand, but, then again, the Chinese don't have a Christmas the week before!''

|Dear Santa,How are you doing? I hope you've had a successful year and have come up with a lot of interesting toys. It's really neat how you're able to do that year after year. I guess that's how you stay number one in the Christmas presents business business.Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a handle on it. You find out what people want (with letters like this and having kids tell you in person), and then you make the presents and control how they are delivered. It's an impressive operation.I also like how you've got it to where when somebody says ''Christmas presents,'' people automatically think Santa Claus. What a marketing advantage. Best of all, even though you're a huge success, people still don't know much about your private life. It's just rumors. That's so neat.I think being at the North Pole helps. That was a good move. For example, when you're designing toys, only your elves know what you're doing, and you're way up there where nobody can spy on you and steal your ideas. And even if they do, you can always just let it out that you're making the same stuff to bring to people for free, so why would they buy the other guy's stuff?Also, other people who make Christmas presents can't deliver them like you can. Yours is the only sleigh on the distribution highway. You must get some great discounts from them, because if they don't play ball you can just refuse to give out their presents. Very Sharp.What I don't get is why you give away stuff. That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. I admit, its why you're number one- who could compete with a deal like that? But it must make it hard to stay in business, especially when you have to visit every kid in the world. You have to keep growing or fail.Here's an idea on how you can help finance your operation: Give everybody at least one present at Christmas, then you could make batteries and sell them the rest of the year. It would create a demand: You give people something and then sell them what they need to make it work.Another thing, about you coming down the chimney. That's so slow and inefficient. And what about all the people who don't have chimneys? Santa. I have one word for you--windows. Everybody has windows.That's about all I have to say. You're probably wondering if I was good or bad this year, but I don't really like to talk about my personal life, if that's O.K. (Just out of curiosity: When you were a boy, did any of the other kids call you a nerd?) Anyway, I don't really have anything to ask for. Mostly I think up something to play with and then build it myself. I guess I'm sort of like you--I make my own toys.Best of luck,Billy Gates

|Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,Sweating his fat awayHere comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,Water-skis on his sleighNever have a white ChristmasWhen you in Melbourne liveWearing hot pants on the beachWhen you your presents giveHere comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,Sweating his fat awayHere comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,Water-skis on his sleighChestnuts roasting on the sidewalkCastles in the sandEating ice-cream, having good talksWarm Christmas, isn't that grand?

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, ''At last they're finally together.'' A guy sitting in the front row says, ''Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?'' ''I mean her legs!''

10) Cats' facial expressions.9) The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.8) Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.7) “Fat” clothes.6) Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.5) The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.4) Cutting your bangs to make them grow.3) Eyelash curlers.2) The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.1) Other women.

Why are women such bad drivers?Because there is no road between the bedroom and the bathroom.

Why did the women cross the road?Well thats not the point what is she doing out of the kitchen?!!!

10 things men know about women:-------------------------------1:2:3:4:5:6:7:8:9:10: They have tits