Newest jokes

The eastern lady who was all ready to take a
horseback ride
said to the cowboy, ''Can you get me a nice gentle
pony?'' ''Shore,''
said the cowboy. ''What kind of a saddle do you want,
English or
western?'' ''What's the difference?'' asked the lady. ''The
western saddle has
a horn on it,'' said the cowboy. ''If the traffic
is so thick here in
the mountains that I need a horn on my saddle, I
don't believe I want
to ride.''

Why did the cowboy ride his horse?
Because
the horse was too heavy to carry.

What sickness do cowboys
get from riding
wild horses?
Bronchitis (bronc-itis).

Why was the cowboy a lot of laughs?
He was
always horsing around.

|The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.''Ever have an accident?''''Nope, nary a one.''''None? You've never had any accidents.''''Nope. Ain't never had one. Never.''''Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?''''Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.''

|An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few ''squalls'' received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels. ''Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you.'' ''If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind.''

|In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at. ''Four glasses of ale,'' was the reply. ''Next?'' ''Two glasses of whiskey.'' ''Next?'' ''One glass of brandy.'' ''Next?'' ''A fight.''

|In West Kerry, the wife commented, ''When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more....'' ''Nonsense, darling,'' replied the husband, ''you cook better now.''

|Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say ''Enough.'' Casey got Riley down and was hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out several times, ''Enough!'' As Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punishment, a bystander said, ''Why don't you let him up? Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?'' ''I do,'' says Casey, ''but he's such a liar, you can't believe him.

Three guys are in a plane, lost in fog, and they don't knowwhere they are. The first guy says ''I'll find out'' and putshis arm out the plane, then brings it back in and says''We're just over Paris''''How do you know'' ask the others''Well I've just felt the top of the Eiffel tower.''Later on the second guy tries and says ''We just flew over London''''How?'' asks the others''Well I've just felt the top of Big Ben''Still later on the last guy tries it, puts his arm out theplane, and says to the others ''We have just flown over Glasgow.''''How do you know that?'' comes the reply.''Because some bastard has just stolen my watch''

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York Cityrestaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmenseated there are furiously masturbating.She yells, ''What the hell do you guys think you are doing?''One of the Japanese men explains, ''Can't you see? We areall berry hungry.''The waitress begs the question, ''So, how is whacking-off inthe middle of the restaurant going to help that situation?''One of the other Japanese men replies,''The menu say,FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!''

A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City. He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker. He asked, ''Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?'' The Saudi replied, ''Excuse me, but what is a shortage?'' The Russian said, ''Excuse me, but what is meat?'' The North Korean replied, ''Excuse me, but what is an opinion?'' The New Yorker replied, ''Excuse me, but what is 'excuse me?'''

All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young Australian couple. Waiting for things to get started, they were somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off,sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry. ''The weddin's off,'' he shouted, ''Everybody bugger off!'' Dismayed and muttering, the guests repaired to the parking lot, grumbling about their missed opportunity for free beer. One guest, a friend of the bride's father, held back, and approached him. ''What's the problem?'' he asked. ''Someone stole a keg of beer, and some bastard fucked the bride!'', exclaimed the father. The guest, taken aback, and rendered speechless, left the church, joining the other farmers. A few minutes later, the father reappeared and yelled ''All right! Everyone back inside! The weddin's on again!'' As the farmers filed back into the church, the friend again approached the father of the bride, and asked ''What happened to make you change your mind?''Grinning sheepishly, he replied, ''Oh, well, we... uh... we found the keg of beer.''

Australia.Where men are real menAnd sheep are scared shitlessAnd where the term 'Going Down Under' means something entirely different

|Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, ''You see that Indian?''''Yeah,'' says the other cowboy.''Look,'' says the first one, ''he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction.''Just then the Indian looks up. ''Covered wagon,'' he says, ''about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon.''''Incredible!'' says the cowboy to his friend. ''This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!''The Indian looks up and says, ''Ran over me about a half hour ago.''

|I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.Just before he rode off, I yelled out,''What was all that about?''He replied,''Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through.''

What's the difference between a duck and a cow? They both swim, except for the cow.

Q: What is a bus ?
A: A bus is a vehicle that
runs twice as fast when you are after it as
when you are in it.

|An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: ''Anyone knows the formula for water?''''Sure. That's easy,'' said one man.''What is it?''''H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O.''''What, what?'' reasked the instructor.''H to O,'' explained the chemistry expert.

A boy at a cinema notices what looks

like a bear sitting next to him ''Are you a bear?''
''Yes''
''What
are you doing at the movies ?''
''Well, I liked the book!''