Newest jokes

A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about anurgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, ''Hello?''Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to theyoungster, the boss asked, ''Is your Daddy home?''''Yes,'' whispered the small voice.''May I talk with him?'' the man asked.To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, ''No.''Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, ''Is your Mommy there?''Yes,'' came the answer.''May I talk with her?''Again the small voice whispered, ''No.''Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left homealone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the personwho should be there watching over the child.''Is there anyone there besides you?'' the boss asked the child.''Yes,'' whispered the child, ''a policeman.''Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the bossasked, ''May I speak with the policeman?''''No, he's busy,'' whispered the child.''Busy doing what?'' asked the boss.''Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,'' came the whisperedanswer.Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like ahelicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, ''Whatis that noise?''''A hello-copper,'' answered the whispering voice.''What is going on there?'' asked the boss, now alarmed.In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, ''The search teamjust landed the hello-copper.''Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the bossasked, ''What are they searching for?''Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffledgiggle, ''Me.''

|Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by. ''Help!'' Paddy shouted, ''Oi'm sinkin'!'' Don't worry,'' assured Mick. ''Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there.'' Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, ''Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help.'' As Mick was leaving, Paddy called ''Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?''

Why did the pig send his story to New
York?

He wanted to be published on Pork Avenue.

What famous pig actor made a movie about

Frankenswine?
Boaris Karloff.

What did the pig call a manuscript?
A shoat
story.

What do you get if you cross pigs with a lot of
grapes
?
A swine gut !

|Two men walked into a bar.You would think at least one of them would have ducked.

|A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, ''I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye.'' The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.

There was an awful fight at the seafood
restaurant.
Four fish got battered!

Waiter, waiter, does the pianist play

requests?
Yes, sir. Then ask him to play tiddlywinks until I've
finished my
meal.

The headwaiter of an elegant restaurant

recoiled in disgust as a man in boots, torn jeans and a leather jacket

approached him. ''Hey, man,'' he said, ''where's the toilet?''
''Go
down the hall and turn left, ''replied the headwaiter. ''When you
see
the sign marked 'Gentlemen; pay no attention to it and go right on

in.''

Little
Johnny's class were on an outing
to their local police station where
they saw pictures, of the ten
most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin
board. On the way out of the
police station Little Johnny said to the
officer, ''it was so nice of
you to put my daddy's picture up there.''

After the baby was baptized,
her
four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of
the car.
''What's the matter Johnny?'' asked his concerned mother.
Johnny
replied: ''that man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a

good Christian home...I just want her to stay with you guys.''

A whole family was caught in
a small boat
during a sudden storm off the shores of Florida, but towed
to
safety in Fort Lauderdale by the ever alert U.S. Coast Guard.

''I
always knew God would take care of us,'' said the composed five
year
old daughter of the boat owner after the family got home.

''I like
to hear you say that,'' beamed the mother. ''Always remember
that God
is in His heaven watching over us.''

''Oh, I wasn't talking
about THAT God,'' the five year old
interrupted. ''I was talking about
the COAST God.''

Son to his father as they watch television:

''Dad, tell me again how when you were a kid you had to walk all the
way
across the room to change the channel.''

A guy walks in to the
Barbershop.
Barber says, ''What will it be today?'' Guy says, ''well I
want it going
with my waves on top, faded on one side, plug the other,
and just
make it all out of shape and messed up.'' Barber says, ''Now why
in
the world do you want your hair cut like that.''

Guy says, ''That's
how you cut it last time''

Q: Why are brunettes so proud of their

hair?

A: It matches their mustaches.

A guy admired the hair of three girls.
He walked by one
and asked, ''How'd you get such lovely blonde hair''

Taking her hand and gently running it through her hair, the girl

answered, ''It's natural.''

The guy walked by the second girl
and asked, ''How'd you get such
pretty brown hair?''


Fluffing her hair, the second girl said, ''It's natural.''

Finally the
guy approached the third girl and asked, ''How'd you get
such cool
green hair?''

Taking her hand and rubbing it up past her nose,
then skimming it
through the hair, she said, ''It's natural.''

What do you call a
proton with big
hair?
A 'froton.

Where do cowboys cook their
meals?
On
the range.