Newest jokes

TEACHER: ''Can anybody give an
example of
COINCIDENCE?''
JOHNNY: ''Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the
same day, same
time.''

Teacher: What is the formula for
water ?

George: H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O
Teacher: Is that the formula I gave you ?

George: Sure, you said H to O !

Caspar: I was the teacher's pet last
year.
Jaspar: Why was that?
Caspar: She couldn't afford a dog.

Science teacher: What happened when

electricity was first discovered?
Fred: Someone got a nasty shock.

Advertisement: Dog for sale. Really gentle. Eats

anything. Especially fond of children.

What do you
get if you cross a labrador and a
tortoise ?
A dog that will run to the shop to get your paper and
bring back last
weeks paper !

Why does the Hound of the
Baskervilles turn
round and round before he lies down for the night?
Because he's the
watchdog and he has to wind himself up.

I saw a pen in a store the other day. I picked it up and took a look at itcause it was prettier than most.The clerk said, ''It's made in Germany''.I said, ''That's too bad, I can't use it then''.The clerk said, ''What's the matter? You don't like German pens?''I said, ''No. I just never learned to write German.''

A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated to ''The Unknown Soldier''. At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed: ''Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg''.The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name.The resident replied, ''As a soldier, that Seymour was pretty much unknown, but as an accountant-Oy! He was something.''

What do they call condoms in Germany?Weinerhosen

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Popeout of the corner of her mouth, ''I bet you a tenner that I can makeevery English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand.''The Pope says, ''No way. You can't do that.''The Queen says, ''Watch this.''So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.So the Pope is standing there thinking, ''Uh oh, what am I going to do?I never thought she'd be able to do it.''So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says,''I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head.''The Queen goes, ''No way, it can't be done.''So the Pope headbutts her.

A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something shehasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adultvideo.She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while,selects a title that sounds very stimulating.She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable,and puts the tape in the VCR.To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so shecalls the video store to complain.''I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tapebut static,'' she says.''Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Whichtitle did you rent?'' the clerk replies.''Head Cleaner,'' Mary replies.

Buying A BullTwo sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need topurchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.Upon leaving, she tells her sister, ''When I get there, if I decide tobuy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.''The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decidesshe does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599,no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send hersister a telegram to tell her the news.She walks into the telegraph office, and says, ''I want to send atelegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out hereso we can haul it home.''The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, thenadds, ''It's just 99 cents a word.''Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. Sherealizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, ''I want you tosend her the word, 'comfortable.'''The telegraph operator shakes his head. ''How is she ever going to knowthat you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and driveout here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word,'comfortable'?''The brunette explains, ''My sister's blonde.''''She'll read it very slow.''

What's the difference between a blonde and a shower?The shower has to be turned on before it gets wet.

Why did the blonde insist her partner use a condom?She wanted to save a dogie bag for later.

What's the difference between Elvis and a smart blonde?Elvis has been sighted.

Why are they called apartments when they
are all stuck
together?

How does AVON find so many women willing
to take orders
?

If the world is getting smaller, why do
postal rates keep going
up?

Consider one of the most perplexing
questions of our time: Where do'
solutions go when a candidate gets
elected?