Newest jokes

|1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m. 2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her. 3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet. 4. The cats have every right to be in the living room. 5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid 6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk 7. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can. 8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once. 9. No, it's my food....Oh alright then, just a small piece.

At three o'clock one morning a

veterinary surgeon was woken from a deep sleep by the ringing of his

telephone. He staggered downstairs and answered the phone. ''I'm sorry if

I woke you,'' said a voice at the other end of the line. ''That's all

right,'' said the vet, ''I had to get up to answer the telephone

anyway.''

Why did the alien phone home on his mobile?

Because it was so ET !

Who was that on the phone, Fred?
Fred:
No one important. Just some man who said it was long distance
from
Australia, so I told him I knew that already and put the phone down

!

Why did Frosty
the Snowman want a divorce?

Because he thought his wife was a flake.

Why was the racehorse named Bad News?
Because
bad news travels fast!

Why did the cowboy get a hot seat?
Because
he rode the range.

Why did the cowboy's car stop?
It had Injun
(engine) trouble.

What do you call a cowboy who helps out in a

school ?
The deputy head !

|Two young soldiers were exchanging their experiences of the service in the Army. ''My sergeants are wonderful'', said one soldier.''I wish I could say the same about mine,'' said the other.''You could if you could lie as I do.''

The little darlings were all in their seats on the first day of school and their new teacher introduced herself. She wrote on the board that her name is Ms. Prussy and the day passed without any further incidents. The next morning after greeting the class she asked if anyone remembered her name and little johnny waved frantically. The teacher taken by his enthusiasm called on him. In a timid voice he said ''Miss Crunt?''

A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. Little Johnny handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, ''My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework.''

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, ''Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions.''Mary gasped and said in a huff, ''Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going tohear of it when I get home!''She sat down, red-faced.''Susan, can you tell me the answer?'' asked Mr. Baldwin.''The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions,'' said Susan.''Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!''

What side of a monster has more hair
?
The outside !

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Barber
!
Barber who ?
Barberd wire !

|Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. -- Catch-22Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.Feminists are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that.Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. -- Ken DoddHusband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.

What game do 18 dogs like to
play during the
summer?

Woofleball

Q.Why is a dog scared of a fire?
A.It doesn't
want to become a hot dog.

Q: What's got four legs and no ears?
A: Mike
Tyson's dog.

Two women, who are dog owners,
are arguing
which dog is smarter.
First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he
waits for the
paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper
and brings it to me.
Second woman: I know.
First one:
How?
Second one: My dog told me.