Newest jokes

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on his wedding night?''Now I know why you called your company Microsoft''

|1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you.2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp. 3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat. 4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk. 5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King. 6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot. 7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you. 8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den. 9. The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit.10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!

Q: What is
the first thing off the
truck at a trailer fire?

A: Lawn chair.

Two fellows were sitting in a coffee
shop...suddenly
the Town's Fire Alarm went off ... one jumped up and
headed for the
door ... his friend shouted, ''Hey, Tom, I didn't know
you were a
fireman!''
Tom replied, ''I'm not, but my
girlfriend's husband is...''

What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb?Well, the light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, wondering what happened to her.She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.''You can't get out of your room?'' the captain asked, ''Why not?''The stewardess replied: ''There are only three doors in here,'' she sobbed, ''one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a signon it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!''

Two blondes are passing by a fruit shop when the grocer calls to them, ''Bananas! 50 cents each or three for a dollar!''The girls stop and look at each other. ''Well I suppose we could always eat the third one!''

What do you call a woman with a bicycle on her
head
?
Petal !

The cyclist, passing a pedestrian crossing,
runs into a man, and
they both fall down. -''Geez, are you lucky.'' The
cyclist says.
-''What do you mean by lucky ?'' The pedestrian angrily
asks. ''I got hurt
really bad.'' -''Ah, you're lucky because I
recently lost my license. I
usually drive a bus.''

A math student who used to come to the

university on foot every day arrives one day on a fancy new bicycle.
''Where
did you get the bike from?'' his friends want to know. ''It's a
`thank
you' present'', he explains, ''from that freshman girl I've
been
tutoring. But the story is kind of weird...'' ''Tell us!'' ''Well'',
he
starts, ''yesterday she called me on the phone and told me that
she had
passed her math final and that she wanted to drop by to
thank me in
person. As usual, she arrived at my place riding her
bicycle. But when I had
let her in, she suddenly took all her clothes
off, lay down on my bed,
smiled at me, and said: `You can get from me
whatever you desire!'''
One of his friends remarks: ''You made a
really smart choice when you
took the bicycle.'' ''Yeah'', another friend
adds, ''just imagine how
silly you would have looked in a girl's
clothes - and they wouldn't have
fit you anyway!''

When is a bicycle not a bicycle?
When it
turns into a driveway.

Why can't a bicycle stand up by
itself?
Because it is two-tired (too tired).

|Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the substation,Not a deputy stirred,they were all on vacation. The stockings were hungon the wall with great care,Next to some T-shirtsand old underwear. I was working the night shiftcompiling stats,Answering the phone,and feeding the rat. When all of a suddenthere arose such a clatter,I leapt from my deskto see what was the matter! I opened the doorwith a creak and a crick,And saw a jolly red fat manI knew must be St. Nick. I had seen his picturea time or two,He was wanted:Article 27 - Section 342. I threw open the doorand commanded him ''Freeze!''''Put your hands on you headand get down on your knees.'' But he turned and he ran,up the chimney he flew,With me in pursuit,toward Booth St. I knew. When we got to the roofSanta made for his sleigh,Throwing down toysand blocking my way. As I got to the peak,he threw down some crack,I slipped and I felllanding flat on my back. To my front I was facedwith a toy M-1 tank,And Pink Power Rangerscovering my flank. ''On Dasher, on Dancer!'',he cried loud and clear.Then I got off three roundsand dropped the lead deer. And I heard Santa sayas he sailed into the blue,''Merry Christmas to all!My Lawyers will sue!''

|'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash tore open the icebox then threw up the sash. The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.When what to my wandering eyes should appear: a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.From the top of the scales to the top of the hall now dash away pounds now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress my clothes were all bulging from too much excess.My droll little mouth and my round little belly they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly. I spoke not a word but went straight to my work ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.And laying a finger beside my heartburn I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned. I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry if temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.And I mumbled again as I turned for the night in the morning I'll starve . . . 'til I take that first bite.

|Signs You're Sick of the Holidays8. You've got red and green bags under your eyes 7. You're serving reindeer pot pie 6. When you hear, ''Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?,'' you scream, ''No! I'm not listening!'' 5. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your air gun 4. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you. 3. Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make photo copies 2. You've got eggnog coming out of your ears 1. Two words: tinsel rash

|Department Store Santa Peeves8. Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake on your breath and not gin.7. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.6. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from ''Crime Watch'' 5. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your hip flask 4. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School 3. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes 2. Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam1. Two words: lap rash

|Ten signs you're not getting a christmas bonus10. Co-workers refer to you as ''the ghost of unemployment future'' 9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial 8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips 7. What you call ''my new office,'' everybody else calls ''the supply closet'' 6. Boss's Christmas card says, ''Don't let the door hit you on the way out'' 5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants 4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies 3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw 2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word ''terrible'' appeared 78 times 1. You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets

|A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.''What's going on?'' she yells out the window.''Cow on the track!'' replies the conductor.Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.Within five minutes, however, it stops again.The woman sees the same conductor walk again.She leans out the window and yells, ''What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?''

|A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting ''I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own ''croc!,'' to which the shopkeeper replied, ''by all means, just watch out for those two ''ole boys'' who are doing the same!''. So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer.Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed ''Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!''.

|9. E-mail flames from some guy named ''Fluffy.'' 8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 7. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip. 6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna. 5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of ''CyberDog.'' 4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it. 3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II. 2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser. and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password... 1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.