Newest jokes

Did you hear about the chicken that wanted to
take ballet lessons?
''He wanted to be a hentertainer.''

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if
they flew over the bay, they'd be baygulls (bagels, get
it?).

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Mypenis?- Mypenis ate my homework.- Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.- I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.- Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.- I love giving Mypenis a bath.- At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands.- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.- Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.- If Mypenis was a weiner dog, he would be long and hairy and hard to carry.- Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.- Help! I can't find Mypenis!- Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking forMypenis.- Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.- Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.- Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!- Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis.- When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.- Stop kicking Mypenis.- When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be blown.- Mypenis is truly man's best friend.- Beware of Mypenis. He's carrying a disease.- People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but even better when standing at attention.- Mypenis: the crotch-sniffer.- There's nothing like a well-trained bitch for Mypenis.- I've trained Mypenis to jump through hoops.- Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.- Excuse me - I need a muzzle for Mypenis.- Sorry I'm late, but Mypenis kept me up howling all night...

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. ''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.'' Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: ''You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.'' Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: ''Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.''

What is a man's idea of safe sex? A padded headboard.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.-Mitch Hedberg

An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an ''Escalator temporarily out of order'' sign, just ''Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.''-Mitch Hedberg

The EPA is conducting a $700,000 dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. ''Pollution? It's those damn trees.''Jay Leno

eariler this week i went to the guy who inveted the hokey pokey's funeral. It was a weird funeral. First they put his left leg in,then took his left leg out,they put his left leg in and they shaked it all about.Then they put his right leg in and then his right leg out,they put his left leg in and they shook it all about,and so on and so forth until he was totally in

Where does
King Kong sleep?
Anywhere
he wants to.

A woman went to a sweet store to buy some
sweets.
The boy behind the counter said ''Gosh, your ugly aren't you?,
I've
never seen anyone so hideous as you before''
''Young man'' she
replied. '' I didn't come here to be insulted''
''Really'', he said,
''Where do you usually go ?''

''Please, ma'am! How do you spell ichael?''

The teacher was rather bewildered. ''Don't you mean Michael?'' she

asked. ''No, ma'am. I've written the 'M' already.''

Daughter: I will never learn to
spell.
Mother: Why?
Daughter: The teacher keeps changing the words.

I got a call from a woman who
wanted to go
to Capetown.
started to explain the length of the flight
and the passport
information when she interrupted me with ''I'm not

trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in

Massachusetts.''

Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I

calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown
is in
Africa.'' Her response... click.

The frightened tourist: ''Are

there any bats in this cave?''
The guide: ''There were, but don't
worry, the snakes ate all of
them.''

What do you do if your bank account stops working?Throw the guy out of the house.

Why do men take showers instead of baths?Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show. The first candidate walks in, and the boss says, ''This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?'' The guy says, ''Well damn! You got no ears man!'' So the boss yells, ''Get out!'' The second candidate comes in, and the boss says, ''This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is something you notice about me?'' The guy says, ''That's easy, you got no ears!'' So the boss says, ''Get out!'' As the second candidate leaves he sees the third candidate about to go in and says, ''The boss has no ears so don't say anything about them, cause he is really sensitive about it.'' So the third candidate goes in and the boss says, ''This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What do you notice about me?'' The guy says, ''Your wearing contacts!''And the boss says, ''Yeah, how did you know?'' So the guy replies, ''Well darn, you can't wear glasses cause you ain't got no ears.''

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. ''Louise,'' he moaned, ''Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?''''Even worse,'' she assured him in her most scornful tone. ''You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face.'' ''He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!'' ''You did. All over his suit,'' Louise informed him. ''And he fired you.'' ''Well, screw him,'' said John. ''I did, said Louise, ''You're back at work on Monday.''

Why do men prefer blondes? Men always like intellectual company.