Newest jokes

|Q: Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager.A: Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either.Q: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?A: The outside.Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?A: A walkie-talkie, of course.Q: Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?A: Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable.Q: Why don't they play poker in the jungle?A: Too many cheetahs.Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?A: One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.Q: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?A: To the retail store.Q: What kind of dog tells time?A: A watch dog.

If King Kong came to England why would he

live in the Tower of London?
Because he's a beef-eater.

What business is King Kong in?
Monkey
business.

What would you get if you crossed King Kong
with a
skunk?
I don't know but it could always get a seat on a
bus!

|An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight - an old gallows. The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion. ''You see that, I reckon,'' said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. ''And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?'' ''Riding alone,'' coolly replied Paddy.

What's a monsters favorite play?
Romeo and
Ghouliet

What's pink and gray and wrinkly and old and
belongs to Grandpa monster?
- Grandma monster

Why are monsters huge and hairy and
ugly?-
Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be

M&M's

Why was the little bear so spoiled ?

Because its mother panda'd to its every whim !

What do you call a
big white bear
with a hole in his middle ?
A polo bear !

|On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note), TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping, NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans, SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products, FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.) FOUR hours of recorded whale songs THREE deconstructionist poets TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and... ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree. Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)* *Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

|After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.''How about some perfume?'' he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.''That's a bit much,'' said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.''Thats still quite a bit,'' Tom groused.Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.Tom grew agitated, ''What I mean,'' he said, ''is I'd like to see something real cheap.''So the clerk handed him a mirror.

|With the number of airline disasters lately, the FAA now sends an inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Claus's sleigh before allowing him to fly on Christmas eve.The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good, he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and it is also okay. Then he says, ''Santa, lets take it up for a check ride and if everything looks good I'll certify you to fly.''Santa hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just as he's starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the inspector has a pump shotgun on his lap. ''Hey! Whats the shotgun for!?'' Santa yells.The inspector says, ''Well, Santa, I'm really not supposed to tell you this, but there is going to be an engine failure on takeoff.''

|A mathematician and a non-mathematician are sitting in an airport hall waiting for their flight to go. The non has terrible flight panic.''Hey, don't worry, it's just every 10000th flight that crashes.''''1:10000? So much? Then it surely will be mine!''''Well, there is an easy way out. Simply take the next plane. It's much more probable that you go from a crashing to a non-crashing plane than the other way round. So you are already at 1:10000 squared.''

|. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed2. All polar bears are left-handed3. If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles3. Work stuffs up your eyesight1. All dogs are animals2. All cats are animals3. Therefore, all dogs are cats1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant

|Two statisticians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left.However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine.However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York. At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, ''Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!''

Teacher: Fred, I'm glad to see your writing

has improved.
Pupil: Thank you
Teacher: Now I can see how bad
your spelling is though !

Teacher: Name two pronouns ?
Pupil: Who ?,
me ?

Teacher: Why have you got cotton wool in your
ears, do
you have an infection ?
Pupil: Well you keep saying that
things go in one ear and out the other
so I am trying to keep them
it all in!

Who doesn't like to sit in front of the fire?
A Snowman.